Because romance is dead.

[deadliestviper]

Sweetie. Let me make this perfectly clear, since you seem to have trouble grasping it.

The past is the past, and it ain't never happenin' again. Do you think I got this far by being stupid? Now I know Bill was one thing, you do too. But if I worked with O-Ren, Vernita, and Elle so long without anything besides well-deserved respect and hate developing, why would lust enter into it after they left me for dead? Why the fuck would I want to fuck anyone after the whole coma thing?

"Hate sex"? Please, bitch. My fucking and fighting days have gone the way of the Deadly Viper squad, I don't care who you're offering. Drop this bullshit; all I want to do is live what's left of my life in peace. So here's an idea: save your shipping and your lesbian fantasies for some other girl and let me find my daughter.

Comments

Clearly!

[deadliestviper]

[Busted. B must be a little out of practice in her lies to get called out by a panda, but given the novelty of the situation she can't exactly say she minds. Why refuse a lesson, fairy tale form though it might take? And to be honest, she's a little impressed (especially given his amateur detective status).]

All right, you got me. I've never ribbon-danced a day in my life, but if you pressed me I could show you a little White Snake form. That story's news to me, though.

[The picture of respect, she inclines her head.] Who do I have the honor of speaking with?

ohmygosh, an O-Ren too!

[sonofgoose]

[Po's green eyes up light up at the mention of anything related to Kung Fu, because, come on...Kung Fu is awesome. And he's never met a human who knew any of it, much less enough to know a certain form like freaking White Snake! Clearly, this woman is one of the most awesome people he's ever met (no offense to the other humans, or women, or women and humans that look like humans but aren't). Soon, the fanboying will start.]

White Snake? Whoa. That's...that's extremely cool.

[His ears swivel upwards as she inclines her head, and he inclines his head, too, even if he's quite a bit taller than her. Even though he has to look down to talk to her face, it's evident he's not looking down at her.]

I'm Po, from the Valley of Peace. That's in China. They call me the Dragon Warrior, though, and work with the Furious Five. That is, Masters Tigress, Crane, Mantis, Monkey, and Viper. And Master Shifu, who is awesome.

[If she wants to be boggled that a Shifu is the same word in Chinese for Master, that's A-OK!]

[deadliestviper]

[To be fair, it's not as if B has met a good many animals that practice kung fu, or talk, or talk about practicing kung fu, thus making the whole thing triply incredible. She shrugs, smiling a little.]

It's not my strong point.

The Furious Five? [Ignore the headtilt at the strange names. Po is clearly an animal of noble spirit, and she doesn't mind looking up to meet his gaze.] It's an honor to meet you, Po. I'm Beatrix, but they used to call me the Black Mamba.

[sonofgoose]

[Po does not know what a Black Mamba is, but he's not going to ask. Whatever it is, it's a bit foreign to his tongue, but not entirely strange. When one's father talks about being Noodlefolk in a way that makes the two words sound like one and that it should be capitalized, there's not much in the way of new words that sounds strange, except for Western names. Mamba does not sound very Western though, but Beatrix does. Beatrix is a strange word, so Black Mamba is much better for the panda.]

Yes, the Furious Five. The greatest Kung Fu warriors in all of China besides the Masters council, like the Ferocious Master Croc, or Master Thundering Rhino, son of Master Flying Rhino, and Master Storming Ox. They have a Steward's Council and protect many places in China so that we'll have peace instead of chaos and evil. [Obviously, Po could talk about martial arts and martial artists all day. Or just talk in general, but Kung Fu and food were very much his favorites.] Black Mamba is a very cool code-name.

So what's this about White Snake? I'm afraid I haven't, uh...seen it. Much. I mean, I know some but not...specifics. [Bear style is, well, quite different from the others, and he's not as awesome as Viper is at it in the least. And he won't ever be very good at Crane style, either, because it's hard to balance with how...big he is. But c'est la vie, they're awesome to watch and live with, so he's a damn happy panda bear.]

[deadliestviper]

[Beatrix is good at providing a little unexpected culture shock. Both her names are unusual words for a Chinese-speaking person, so he's welcome to do what other people have and just call her B. That can wait, though – she's more interested in hearing about these warriors. It's a good thing Po can go on about kung fu all day, because she can definitely listen.]

And you study with these five? Teach with them? Have you ever met the Masters Council? [flashes a smile] Thanks.

White Snake... It's a form of snake style some masters practice, though maybe not in the Valley of Peace. Very precise. [Crane and tiger are her techniques, though she's studied enough to have experimented with most others. Bear style, however, is completely new, and to be honest it's a bit difficult to picture.] What style does Master Shifu train in? And what about you?

[sonofgoose]

[Oh my gosh, Beamambatrix, something crazy is about to happen. Best brace for impact.]

Okay, so...there's the Furious Five, like I said. Master Shifu trains there, but he was trained by Master Oogway, who seems like a crazy old turtle to most people. But he unraveled the mysteries of harmony and focus over a thousand years at the Pool of Sacred Tears [where no one should wash their pits] so he made Kung Fu, basically. Then he brought Masters Ox, Croc, and Thundering Rhino together to fight the Wuu sisters a long time ago, and with Thundering Rhino's father, Master Flying Rhino, they had the Master's Council.

Then, okay. I was just living in the Valley dreaming about Kung Fu because of how awesome it was and how awesomely awesome everyone who practiced was [and making action figures of them, shhh] when Master Shifu's best student, Tai Lung, was about to escape from prison. It's pretty crazy that he could, since the prison had one thousand guards and, uh...you know, one thousand guards for one prisoner is totally an extreme breakout, it must have been awesome...but anyway, some stuff happened and Master Oogway picked me to be the Dragon Warrior before he...went on...and then the Furious Five? They went to try and stop Tai Lung while Master Shifu trained me, but we came back and they had been, like, totally seriously hurt by his nerve attack.

Weeeell...long story short [but it's been pretty long, Po, are you listening to yourself?] Tai Lung isn't a worry anymore and now we all live at the Jade Palace and that's totally cool, and then we had Winter Feast where I had to cook and host and stuff the Masters from the twenty-nine provinces in China, including Thundering Rhino and Sheep and all of the, but then I felt bad so we all had Winter Feast at Dad's noodle restaurant so yeah.

...what was the other question?