Tony is ever so thrilled about this AU. Really!

[iron_sparkles]

You actually did it. The running gag. The dumb joke among people already way below me in IQ, the fandom cliche that actually doesn't seem to be done enough to be a cliche, and you threw in a Twilight joke right in the username. And I can't drink alcohol anymore so I can't just get face deep in vodka unless this isn't a thing anymore.

But you know what? You don't have to be a genius - and I've seen your grades, you aren't - to know this won't go anywhere. Go ahead and post to all the memes you want. Tag people. See if you get any responses. The thing about trying to make a joke into an actual character is that nobody is interested but the people in on the joke, and none of them RP.

...or at least I hope so. Because if I have to seriously endure the ridicule from the entire team, renewed tension with Steve and more rockiness in my relationship with Pepper? I will get into your head and make your relive failing your Biology final every night you sleep from now until you delete this account.

Comments

[eyes_everywhere]

I'm kind of curious about that story. The one that embraced me was pretty damn deliberate about it.

[She shrugs.]

Mine ships no matter what I do. So I'm just going to say that if you're going to be like this I can at least help in some ways. I would actually be curious about your ideas for maybe dragging some of these old fossils into the modern age. If we have to deal with them we might as well make it easier on ourselves, right?

[iron_sparkles]

They didn't realize I was Tony freaking Stark until afterwards. Which, uh, sort of made things weird. But it was great snarky fun up until that point.

I'm not so sure anybody in the vampire community wants me meddling in things. No, let me rephrase that: they all do and they all have agendas, which is not my thing. I don't do other people's bullshit. Help, I'll take. Friendship, sure. But I really don't want to get in too deep with this stuff.

[eyes_everywhere]

You kind of have a recognizable face. That's some serious stupidity on their part.

Oh I know it, but I don't think they'll let you just walk away. At least not without an ongoing fight. They're stubborn that way. Especially Ventrues with that damn mind control thing they can do.

Besides if you're a Ventrue that means you have very particular tastes in blood if I remember right so having a source is necessary too. Which means you'll be dealing with at least one influential vampire and having to do an underworld background check on them to be sure they're as on the up and up as a vampire can get.

[iron_sparkles]

To be fair, I was doing everything I could not to be recognized. And... yeah, you know, fuck it, let's not be fair: this whole thing is stupid from start to finish.

They kinda have to, at least a little more than they normally would. I can bring the wrath of SHIELD down upon them, and that's something nobody can risk. Also, between nanites and the reactor's metals reacting badly with magic, I can't be mind-controlled. It knocks me out cold instead. Not a lot better, but. It means I can't just be ordered around.

Yeah, well. Um. I employ a lot of people and I already have a reputation as a manwhore, so. It's not exactly a huge problem at the moment. It just looks like my usual one night stands to people. Or I guess I could start a bunch of affairs, keep shit in rotation. Wow, this is messed up.

What're you, anyway? I don't really care unless I'm supposed to be, I don't know, in some kind of clan war fantastic-racism bullshit with you, in which case I immediately want to befriend you to annoy people.

[eyes_everywhere]

Yeah this whole situation is pretty fucked. Just kind of glad I am a computer geek with little social life anyway. Made it less messy to go nocturnal entirely.

I'm a Mekhet. We've got a reputation for knowing things. I don't think the clans matter much to most people as much as the Covenants. I'm stuck with the Ordo Dracul since that's what my sire is in. Probably the safest bet as far as people I would fit in with anyway though.

Don't get me wrong they're still archaic but at the very least they put an emphasis on actually observing things. Better than the Lancea Sanctum anyway which is basically just a Christian cult of vampires.

[iron_sparkles]

Is it weird that I seriously wonder if vampires use some kind of profiling to pick people? You want to make a Ventrue, you look for someone in an expensive suit. You want a Mekhet, you look for someone who's already pale and has glasses. I know they probably aren't that flippant about it but I'm not really feeling charitable about this right now.

There's a joke about the Catholic church here, but I'm too tired to make it.

[eyes_everywhere]

Yeah that's pretty much been proven to a certain extent. There's exceptions, but at the very least most Ventrues are too snobbish to pick anyone who doesn't seem upper-class. It gets shakier when you get down to the Nosferatu, but they're just unsettling by nature.

You'll think of one later I'm sure.

[iron_sparkles]

I can say this for the Nosferatu: they didn't accidentally bite a celebrity... that I'm aware of. If they have, I hope it was Elvis.

[eyes_everywhere]

No if they did it was on purpose.

I haven't heard of any celebrities just yet. At least nothing concrete. Well nobody except Vlad himself. I thought it would be funnier if he turned out not to be a vampire, but my whole covenant is centered around his research and ideas.

[iron_sparkles]

Why is it never any fun historical figures? Is vampire Tesla too much to ask for? And is it weird I find the idea of vampire Tesla hot?

[eyes_everywhere]

The only funny one I can think of off the top of my head is everyone has claimed Rasputin to the point no one is really sure what clan if any he was a part of.

So any big questions I could maybe answer? I've only been this way a few months, but I've obviously done my research since this is how I'm spending eternity.

[iron_sparkles]

...alright, I have to ask: sex with humans. Possible or not? I was on the verge of purposing to my girlfriend, I kinda need to know.

[eyes_everywhere]

Yes. Don't know from personal experience, but the Daeva clan of vampires are kind of well-known for it.

[iron_sparkles]

I won't try and bite her in the heat of the moment, will I? That... that would put me off sex for life.

[eyes_everywhere]

As far as I know you can keep yourself in control as long as you're fed. If you haven't made a trip to the blood bank recently then I wouldn't recommend it.

I'm your usual shut-in programmer though so my knowledge of this sort of thing is second-hand.

I do know for a fact that we have a fear of fire. It's one of those things actually pretty harmful to us so we're wired to avoid it like the plague.

[iron_sparkles]

Okay. So. Kinky sex question, and by the way, this is really awkward since you look underage, but: BDSM isn't going to trigger any vampire freak outs, is it? Again, I really don't want to bite her just because I want to get spanked or... other things you don't need to know.

On the note of things you don't want to know: hot wax during sex. Safe or not?

[eyes_everywhere]

[She laughed.]

Don't worry I'm over legal age. This is still definitely awkward, but hardly that bad.

[She had lived on the internet. BDSM was par the course.]

As far as I understand it pain doesn't elicit a response by itself. Once again stay fed and you'll keep your mind as clear as its going to get.

The hot wax on the other hand might put you on edge. I don't know if heat will cause you to freak out by itself or if you have to actually see fire. You should test that one on yourself to see if you feel strange.

By the way it would be a good idea to outfit your place with more cameras and pressure sensors. Also now that I think about it have you figured out how to get around the audio and video distortion when it comes to Jarvis?

[iron_sparkles]

You don't look it. If you're going to spend eternity like this, please get some kind of more adult make up routine down. Or dress like most of the vampire women I've met dress. But I digress.

Right, so. Blindfolds during anything involving wax. Got it.

Jarv actually adapted on his own. I mean, yeah, I had to go through a lot of trial and error, but he adjusted his cameras and mics as I ranted about how much all of this sucked and an hour in he was back to understanding me. So far he's imported the changes to the armor and a few rooms, but it'll take a lot more to make things normal. I'm kind of proud of him. My little AI is all grown up.

[eyes_everywhere]

I don't wear any, but my sire has been dragging me out lately. We'll see about some more professional-looking glasses at least though.

Well they do make electric wax warmers. So as long as the sensation doesn't bother you then it should be fine I think.

That really is some impressive AI. Can't say I've ever done anything close to that. I've basically just put together some make-shift defenses so I can tell when one of us is coming, but before any of this I mainly just made computer games and little things here or there.

[iron_sparkles]

Yeah, something that doesn't scream 'jailbait' might work better.

That kind of kills the mood, though. There's a thing I'm going for here and you're not getting it. Romance is best when it's spontaneous.

I know! Jarvis is coming along so quickly. God, at this rate I won't even need to look at his programming anymore, he'll just become self-sustaining. I'm so proud of him. If I could hug him, I would. And hey, you have eternity - you can learn to what whatever you want now. Go out and make your own AI to one day shed manly tears over.

[eyes_everywhere]

I feel bad for anyone who actually was turned when they were a teenager. I'm sure it has happened. Me? I probably could pull off looking like I'm in my later 20s with a little makeup.

I probably will work on one at some point. Right now though I'm working on worming my way into some contacts. You have all the resources you'll ever need or close to it, but I need to find a use as someone wired into what's going on in the city and the covenants at large.