Tony is ever so thrilled about this AU. Really!

[iron_sparkles]

You actually did it. The running gag. The dumb joke among people already way below me in IQ, the fandom cliche that actually doesn't seem to be done enough to be a cliche, and you threw in a Twilight joke right in the username. And I can't drink alcohol anymore so I can't just get face deep in vodka unless this isn't a thing anymore.

But you know what? You don't have to be a genius - and I've seen your grades, you aren't - to know this won't go anywhere. Go ahead and post to all the memes you want. Tag people. See if you get any responses. The thing about trying to make a joke into an actual character is that nobody is interested but the people in on the joke, and none of them RP.

...or at least I hope so. Because if I have to seriously endure the ridicule from the entire team, renewed tension with Steve and more rockiness in my relationship with Pepper? I will get into your head and make your relive failing your Biology final every night you sleep from now until you delete this account.

Comments

I deeply approve of this AU

[eyes_everywhere]

How did I guess you would be picked up by a Ventrue?

[She's amused but also just trying to clear the mood. Things weren't exactly easy with the Embrace. Even she knew that.]

I'm Riley. Nice to meet your Mr. Stark.

[She offers out her hand.]

I don't know much more than you, but I would be willing to help you out.

Thanks. <3

[iron_sparkles]

It wasn't supposed to happen. Basically, everyone involved was acting like an idiot. Including me, but to be fair I did not know vampires were a thing at the time.

You can call me Tony. And, Riley? Don't encourage the muns. It leads to shipping and mutually assured destruction.

[eyes_everywhere]

I'm kind of curious about that story. The one that embraced me was pretty damn deliberate about it.

[She shrugs.]

Mine ships no matter what I do. So I'm just going to say that if you're going to be like this I can at least help in some ways. I would actually be curious about your ideas for maybe dragging some of these old fossils into the modern age. If we have to deal with them we might as well make it easier on ourselves, right?

[iron_sparkles]

They didn't realize I was Tony freaking Stark until afterwards. Which, uh, sort of made things weird. But it was great snarky fun up until that point.

I'm not so sure anybody in the vampire community wants me meddling in things. No, let me rephrase that: they all do and they all have agendas, which is not my thing. I don't do other people's bullshit. Help, I'll take. Friendship, sure. But I really don't want to get in too deep with this stuff.

[eyes_everywhere]

You kind of have a recognizable face. That's some serious stupidity on their part.

Oh I know it, but I don't think they'll let you just walk away. At least not without an ongoing fight. They're stubborn that way. Especially Ventrues with that damn mind control thing they can do.

Besides if you're a Ventrue that means you have very particular tastes in blood if I remember right so having a source is necessary too. Which means you'll be dealing with at least one influential vampire and having to do an underworld background check on them to be sure they're as on the up and up as a vampire can get.

[iron_sparkles]

To be fair, I was doing everything I could not to be recognized. And... yeah, you know, fuck it, let's not be fair: this whole thing is stupid from start to finish.

They kinda have to, at least a little more than they normally would. I can bring the wrath of SHIELD down upon them, and that's something nobody can risk. Also, between nanites and the reactor's metals reacting badly with magic, I can't be mind-controlled. It knocks me out cold instead. Not a lot better, but. It means I can't just be ordered around.

Yeah, well. Um. I employ a lot of people and I already have a reputation as a manwhore, so. It's not exactly a huge problem at the moment. It just looks like my usual one night stands to people. Or I guess I could start a bunch of affairs, keep shit in rotation. Wow, this is messed up.

What're you, anyway? I don't really care unless I'm supposed to be, I don't know, in some kind of clan war fantastic-racism bullshit with you, in which case I immediately want to befriend you to annoy people.

[eyes_everywhere]

Yeah this whole situation is pretty fucked. Just kind of glad I am a computer geek with little social life anyway. Made it less messy to go nocturnal entirely.

I'm a Mekhet. We've got a reputation for knowing things. I don't think the clans matter much to most people as much as the Covenants. I'm stuck with the Ordo Dracul since that's what my sire is in. Probably the safest bet as far as people I would fit in with anyway though.

Don't get me wrong they're still archaic but at the very least they put an emphasis on actually observing things. Better than the Lancea Sanctum anyway which is basically just a Christian cult of vampires.

I'm so mad I don't have a journal for my caitiff rn

[lollipoppings]

THAT'S SO COOL!

Ohmygosh, except, what's your preference? Like, for feeding it you're all blue blood--Oooh--and if you bite on people and just kill them that's totally a douchey thing to do, so I super hope you don't.

[iron_sparkles]

Is it weird that I seriously wonder if vampires use some kind of profiling to pick people? You want to make a Ventrue, you look for someone in an expensive suit. You want a Mekhet, you look for someone who's already pale and has glasses. I know they probably aren't that flippant about it but I'm not really feeling charitable about this right now.

There's a joke about the Catholic church here, but I'm too tired to make it.

Don't worry, this is awesome.

[iron_sparkles]

[Stare.] I've just been sucking off the people in my company who have the right blood type. I just have to look through the files and let my reputation as a playboy do the rest. No killing involved. Why would I kill someone that way? I'm a superhero, I can kill villains if I really need to kill people for some reason.

[eyes_everywhere]

Yeah that's pretty much been proven to a certain extent. There's exceptions, but at the very least most Ventrues are too snobbish to pick anyone who doesn't seem upper-class. It gets shakier when you get down to the Nosferatu, but they're just unsettling by nature.

You'll think of one later I'm sure.

[lollipoppings]

In my experience vampires are just total assholes though. I mean I know sometimes you have that reputation? Totally what people say around my high school--but that doesn't mean you actually have to be a total creep, but it's easier to, like, assume and stuff.

[iron_sparkles]

I can say this for the Nosferatu: they didn't accidentally bite a celebrity... that I'm aware of. If they have, I hope it was Elvis.

[like_a_gerbil]

[Spending decades under the ice doesn't mean that Steve doesn't get the joke. Somehow he manages to fight back a smile, looking serious even if he's amused over the user name. There's more important things to focus on than the sparkly vampire jokes.]

Y'know there doesn't have to be tension between us. I'm willing to apologize and start over if you'll accept the apology.

[iron_sparkles]

Well, I kind of am an asshole. My PR agent and my lawyer certainly think so. Especially after I decide to beg forgiveness instead of asking permission. But I don't kill people and I'm pretty sure I can just start a weird affair with somebody and get enough blood, so. I don't see the need to up myself to a higher level of asshole.

ARGH and I have to go just as I get this! I'll be back in an hour, tops.

[iron_sparkles]

...I was sort of more worried about the tension over the vampire thing rather than the me calling you a Capsicle thing. Although to be fair there are actual popsicles named after you. Which. Um. Is not the point I was trying to make- [vigorous facepalming goes here] I'm sorry too, so. Yeah. There.

[lollipoppings]

You are so my favourite superhero and this is totally why--by the way, ohmigosh, psyched to talk to you--because you just, like, do your own thing? It's super awesome.

[eyes_everywhere]

No if they did it was on purpose.

I haven't heard of any celebrities just yet. At least nothing concrete. Well nobody except Vlad himself. I thought it would be funnier if he turned out not to be a vampire, but my whole covenant is centered around his research and ideas.

It's okay. Take your time. I'm a bit slow lately

[like_a_gerbil]

Why would there be tension over you being a vampire. Unless you're going to drag people into dark alleys and kill them... [Which is something he can't imagine Tony doing no matter what stories he'd read as a kid.] Considering the rest of the team, vampirism isn't that strange.

[The smile starts tugging at his lips at the mention of the Cap merchandise.]

I thought you'd have a better nickname for me now. I'm sorry too, Tony. There's no reason for there to be tension between us. You driving me crazy doesn't mean that there's really problems between us.

[iron_sparkles]

There's sort of a vampire political power structure monarchy-thing. It's really hard to explain. And they might try and manipulate me, although the arc reactor's metals cancel out any mind control. Did I mention there's a litany of vampiric almost-super-powers like that? It's still strange, Steve. And no, I don't drag people into alleys and kill them. Turns out you can take a little blood from someone, leave them dazed and get on without anybody dying in the process.

They made chocolate Captain Americas for Easter. Choco Cap could work as a nickname. [He huffs, crossing his arms.] Look, we were both assholes that day. Can we just blame Loki or something and never speak of it again? I'll buy you a puppy or something. Hell, if you're there to talk me off the ledge after Pepper finds out I now have to suck off random guys on the street, I'll buy you two puppies. And a cat.

[Did he really just use the term 'suck off' to refer to blood drinking in front of Steve? Crap. Topic change to something totally hetero and not awkward is go.]

...your blood smells weird. Not bad, just. Not like anybody else's blood, and not in that Twilight, 'oh-you-are-so-tasty' way. It's just kind of muted. Did - did your serum actually manage to make you less easy to track? Erskine vampire-proofed you? Really?

[iron_sparkles]

Thanks. But everybody should do their own thing if the normal thing is fucked up. That's kind of a no brainer.

[iron_sparkles]

Why is it never any fun historical figures? Is vampire Tesla too much to ask for? And is it weird I find the idea of vampire Tesla hot?

lost my icons for this Ragabash Bone Gnawer, and haven't gotten around to getting new ones

[wolfthatgrins]

I thinks it's only fair to warn you that the werewolf community hates you twice over now.

[like_a_gerbil]

Try being the key word there. I doubt that you'll be easy to manipulate. If Loki could use only the Jedi mind trick on you temporarily I figure that they can't get into your thoughts. From what I've read, you weren't easy to push around even before the arc reactor.

It's hard to get used to having new abilities. I still wake up expecting to be a foot shorter and having asthma attacks. It'll get better with time. We'll help as much as we can.

[Wincing slightly at the possible nickname, he wonders if Tony somehow managed to talk to Bucky to discuss 'terrible nicknames to give Steve'.] I think I prefer Capsicle to that.

[He began to tell Tony that he didn't need a puppy when a certain phrase causes his voice to trail off. Even without being exposed to the 'future' he knew what that meant.]

Finding a better way to describe it might help with Pepper. Unless it is in that context.

[Vampirism is usually linked to sex. There might be some truth to that aspect of the legends. Not that Steve's sure if he wants to know about that or not even if he isn't quite as naive as people expect.]

If you start sneaking into my apartment to watch me sleep, I may have to go back on what I said about having a problem with the vampire thing.

I dunno if he vampire proofed me or not. It wouldn't surprise me if he did. All the talk of gods and mythology... He might have known more about the supernatural than any of us realized. I would've thought since my metabolism is accelerated and my system is supposed to be optimal human I'd be more... uh... appealing.

[iron_sparkles]

I don't know how you live like this. I mean, not exactly like this, but. Everything I'm used to doing I have to relearn. I break things I don't mean to, I keep feeling like everything is off-center, and... how do you do this? It's like the world is completely different and I know it didn't actually change, but it did.

It's not in that context, but - after a vampire feeds on someone you do get all the endorphins and sleepiness you'd get from sex. As far as I can tell it's a built in thing to make sure humans can be talked into thinking either nothing happened or they just got laid. Honestly it's unnerving. I'm thinking about purchasing blood from a blood bank and saying it's for 'science' instead. There's something really disconcerting about realizing how fragile people are and having them be that... vulnerable. Makes me feel creepy in all the worst ways.

If I do that it'll purely be to record your reaction and put it on YouTube, though nothing will ever get more views than your Star Spangled Man performance. Hey! [Tony claps his hands together.] There's a nickname idea! Spangles. I like it.

[Tony comes closer and breathes in, frowns and sniffs the air repeatedly.] The science of what you're saying holds up. Theoretically you should be the most appealing bite to eat ever, but even when I get closer it's just not as 'loud' as a normal person. I'm pretty sure that if you were in the right clothes and you were around vampires that weren't Ventrue or Nosferatu, you would honestly be able to pass as a vampire.

Dr. Erskine apparently saw this shit coming.