on the sweet, sweet inevitable

[fraud]

So, like.

[ a pause ]

We are tooootally not going down that road again! The whole play-in-a-game-torture-for-months-leave-alone-and-crying-into-cognac route? Not happening. I don't care what you say, or how much you quote-on-quote miss me. Not happening, nope.

We had a deal. I'd, like, fuck off to wherever and you would go the other way and we wouldn't talk again because we both know where that ends up. Me. Alone. Cognac. Not a really pretty picture!

[ there is a touch of hysteria at the end there. ]

And I don't care what you say, I am not--

[ a pause ]

Wait, what do you mean pre-canon?

[ INCOHERENT RAGING HERE ]

Comments

[executiveassistant]

Hmm? "There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail"--I suppose, though now that I'm listening to this, I have to wonder myself.

[she wrinkles her nose--c'mon mike, whine whine whine.]

[fraud]

I-- [ wait for it ] Twelfth Night? Really?

[ except wait ]

Hey, this isn't whining! They're legitimate complaints! Completely valid in their, uh, legitimacy!

[ niiiice. ]

[executiveassistant]

Yes, Mike, really. I'll hear no slander against Shakespeare's commentary on strict gender norms.

[so there. comedy or not.

And then oh-so-flatly--]

Wow. I'm completely convinced. Where do I sign on the dotted line?

[fraud]

[ just motions to zipped lips because the last time he accidentally insulted shakespeare in front of donna, well--

his right foot will never bend the same, let's just say that. ]

It... it didn't need to be precise whining. Not that it was ... whining.

[ a pause ]

Look, you of all people can't say I'm wrong.

[ REMEMBER SPACE, DONNA? ]

[paralegals]

[ cringe. ]

I don't think pre-canon you gets Cognac.

[ sorry about your Rachel Zane-less pre-canon life. Enjoy the cheap box wine. ]

[fraud]

[ well at least there's jenny.

wait. ]

Pre-canon me could totally get Cognac. Probably. I mean, I wasn't completely -- [ waves a hand around to indicate failure ]

I had taste.

[paralegals]

[ more like trevor. ]

Not...refined taste. [ she's not saying he was a tasteless bum. she's just also not not saying he was a tasteless bum.]

[ do we need to talk about the lack of vests and surplus of skinny ties

do we ]

[fraud]

[ trevor was a unique and special snowflake that mike will cherish dearly.

probably. ]

It... no. [ SIGH. ] No, it wasn't.

[ the vests are pretty cool, ngl. ]

And honestly, it was Harvey's cognac anyway.

[ aka i'm so full of shit ]

[loyalassistant]

Take a breath, Mike.

[fraud]

A breath. A breath, she says! Well, the potential of more-- [ a pause, he waves a hand around a bit ] Cognac crying is on the line here!

[loyalassistant]

It is, and there is also the potential that you could not start crying into your cheap alcohol. Which would you rather it be?

[Donna says this sagely, unfazed by the fact that there is another Donna above her. Perhaps because her mun has had one of Those Days as well and so she's been sorting this shit out awhile, mmmkay.]

[fraud]

The not crying, probably.

[ a beat. ]

Also, it was actually Harvey's cognac, so probably not cheap? Maybe? God, how much does someone even spend on that stuff? [ a stricken look ] I just wanted to get drunk!

[ and also mourn harvey in the evil space jamjar so, it was symbolic. ]

[wulver]

The only thing I took from all of this is that your coping liquor is cognac.

[ please enjoy that particularly southern mangling of the french language. ]

I mean, it could be worse—you could've picked ouzo or someshit—but... cognac.

[fraud]

[ FLAPS HANDS AT IN A DELIGHTED MANNER and then totally chills out because he's a cool dude with cool self-restraint, alright?

he's so giddy to see your face despite recent... face... developments...

those gosh darn face developments ]

Okay, first of all. It was Harvey's. And... [ well, he doesn't really know what else to say after that. ] I mean, it's not like he was using it?

[ oh, right. ]

Plus, he bailed.

[majestyofthethrone]

But does that mean you won't be a lawyer yet? What about slap-a-lawyer-on-the-butt-day?

You still owe me.

HAHA SHIT

[fraud]

[ oh my god how did you find him why are you here where did you even come from ]

You're not slapping me on the butt, Sera. [ wait. ] Especially if I'm no longer a lawyer.

I WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU

[majestyofthethrone]

What are you now? Because I don't think you made it up to judge so fast.

You're not really charismatic enough to get people to vote for you.

I WAS LIKE "oh i'll do this really discreetly" AND THEN

[fraud]

I'm an investment banker.

[ there's a smug sense of self satisfaction there. take that, sera. (and edgeworth, god damn you edgeworth.) ]

But, uh, I guess before I was a lawyer I was kind of... a loser. Uhm.

[ wait ]

Wait, I'm perfectly charismatic!

[afuckingcloser]

Pre-canon?

[ So, how much weed were you smoking back in the day?]

And Cognac? Really? Perhaps I underestimated your standards.

[fraud]

Pre-canon.

[ he just shakes his head because WELL.

....... it was a lot. ]

Well, technically, it was your Cognac so. I mean, I'd probably buy it again...? Maybe?

[ yeah he's not TOTAL trash, okay. ]

[afuckingcloser]

[ No doubt you were higher than a freaking kite.

Not to mention your choice in friends might have been a little questionable.]

Your breakdown involves my Cognac. Oh no, I gotta start telling Donna to screen the people who break into my office, it's getting out of control.

[ That and hey, he's already seen you lead with your dick in a meeting. Getting drunk isn't the next best thing.]

[fraud]

[ you have no right to cast judgement on his past proclivities. he stopped when he met you! that counts!

stopped-ish.

also his friends were perfectly fine. you still tooootally overreacted. (except not.) ]

It's not like you were using it! You left and it was there and -- [ flaps a hand around a bit ] That makes it technically your fault.

[ wait that probably wasn't the right thing to say--

ALSO LOGAN SANDERS DESERVES EVERY GRAIN OF SAND HE EVER GETS IN HIS EYES SO THAT'S NOT EVEN HIS FAULT. ]

[quipper]

Wah wah. Are you hoping the sound of your whining will attract justice-seeking individuals, bent on protecting even the skinniest of asses from character regression?

[fraud]

Mean.

[ so rude, steph!! so rude. ]

I can whine if I want to.

[quipper]

You can. I'm just wondering if there's a point. I mean, obviously it got my attention.

[ as a justice-seeking individual bent on protecting even the skinniest of asses from character regression. ]