on the sweet, sweet inevitable

[fraud]

So, like.

[ a pause ]

We are tooootally not going down that road again! The whole play-in-a-game-torture-for-months-leave-alone-and-crying-into-cognac route? Not happening. I don't care what you say, or how much you quote-on-quote miss me. Not happening, nope.

We had a deal. I'd, like, fuck off to wherever and you would go the other way and we wouldn't talk again because we both know where that ends up. Me. Alone. Cognac. Not a really pretty picture!

[ there is a touch of hysteria at the end there. ]

And I don't care what you say, I am not--

[ a pause ]

Wait, what do you mean pre-canon?

[ INCOHERENT RAGING HERE ]

Comments

[executiveassistant]

Hmm? "There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail"--I suppose, though now that I'm listening to this, I have to wonder myself.

[she wrinkles her nose--c'mon mike, whine whine whine.]

[paralegals]

[ cringe. ]

I don't think pre-canon you gets Cognac.

[ sorry about your Rachel Zane-less pre-canon life. Enjoy the cheap box wine. ]

[fraud]

I-- [ wait for it ] Twelfth Night? Really?

[ except wait ]

Hey, this isn't whining! They're legitimate complaints! Completely valid in their, uh, legitimacy!

[ niiiice. ]

[fraud]

[ well at least there's jenny.

wait. ]

Pre-canon me could totally get Cognac. Probably. I mean, I wasn't completely -- [ waves a hand around to indicate failure ]

I had taste.

[executiveassistant]

Yes, Mike, really. I'll hear no slander against Shakespeare's commentary on strict gender norms.

[so there. comedy or not.

And then oh-so-flatly--]

Wow. I'm completely convinced. Where do I sign on the dotted line?

[loyalassistant]

Take a breath, Mike.

[paralegals]

[ more like trevor. ]

Not...refined taste. [ she's not saying he was a tasteless bum. she's just also not not saying he was a tasteless bum.]

[ do we need to talk about the lack of vests and surplus of skinny ties

do we ]

[fraud]

[ just motions to zipped lips because the last time he accidentally insulted shakespeare in front of donna, well--

his right foot will never bend the same, let's just say that. ]

It... it didn't need to be precise whining. Not that it was ... whining.

[ a pause ]

Look, you of all people can't say I'm wrong.

[ REMEMBER SPACE, DONNA? ]

[executiveassistant]

[SHE REMEMBERS SPACE bringing it up is a low blow though.]

Me of all people has the express right to tell you you're wrong.

So Mike--you're wrong.

[A deliberate pause, with the poise of an actor.]

...About Shakespeare. You're right about the rest though. Down that path lies madness and tears.

[fraud]

[ trevor was a unique and special snowflake that mike will cherish dearly.

probably. ]

It... no. [ SIGH. ] No, it wasn't.

[ the vests are pretty cool, ngl. ]

And honestly, it was Harvey's cognac anyway.

[ aka i'm so full of shit ]

[fraud]

A breath. A breath, she says! Well, the potential of more-- [ a pause, he waves a hand around a bit ] Cognac crying is on the line here!

[loyalassistant]

It is, and there is also the potential that you could not start crying into your cheap alcohol. Which would you rather it be?

[Donna says this sagely, unfazed by the fact that there is another Donna above her. Perhaps because her mun has had one of Those Days as well and so she's been sorting this shit out awhile, mmmkay.]

[fraud]

[ spaaaaaaace. space was awful and terrible and he didn't change his underwear for a few weeks there by the end of it. ]

I--

[ oh wait. okay, donna. thanks. he looks kind of humbled then. ]

Well, I'm not really up for madness and tears is what I'm saying here. That's perfectly fine to say, right?

[fraud]

The not crying, probably.

[ a beat. ]

Also, it was actually Harvey's cognac, so probably not cheap? Maybe? God, how much does someone even spend on that stuff? [ a stricken look ] I just wanted to get drunk!

[ and also mourn harvey in the evil space jamjar so, it was symbolic. ]

[executiveassistant]

[you were a space hobo. It was terrible. Truly, truly Terrible.]

Sure it is. All of that said, though, you've still got no major input in the matter.

You knows how this goes. We're pressganged. Betrayed! Forced into servitude of an unwanted nature!

[She's enjoying the theatrics, mostly because it's not her ass on the line. Or Harvey's.]

[loyalassistant]

Okay, first of all, again, breathe.

Second of all...what? When did you get into Harvey's cognac?

[She thinks she must have missed something. But she's Donna, she never misses something.]

Thirdly, your life could be a lot worse. I should know. For a while I was dating Jack Bauer.

[paralegals]

[ she nods, humming a yeah, that's right noise. ]

[ walking right into his personal space. ] Well, fortunately for you, you no longer have to settle for cheap liquor, resort to stealing Harvey's cognac, or drink alone.

[fraud]

[ there was the space beard! and the space jeans! and the space hoodie! also the weird space smell. he probably should have bathed more, thinking back on it.

also, space tears. ]

There's gotta be some sort of precedent for this kind of thing, right? Like, "rights for individualistic personalities sharing a common space"-- Oh wait, now I sound like a nutjob.

[ ah. great. also you suck. ]

[fraud]

[ well, mike's just going to light up like a christmas tree at that. have a very big smile, rachel. ]

Yes, that is very, very true. No cheap liquor, no stealing, no alone drinking. [ wait. he could have phrased that all much better. ] No sounding like an ex-con and a very, very, very hot girlfriend. I'm pretty lucky right now.

[fraud]

[ he just flaps a hand again, trying to explain briefly. ]

I was in a... place, for a year? Abandoned future spaceship, had to survive on our own, crazy monsters and stuff and like no food at all? Showed up with you and Harvey -- well, another you -- and then Harvey kind of... left us? Well, me and the other you. And then I grew a beard and took all his stuff.

[ a loooong pause. ]

It wasn't that great. I don't know if Jack Bauer tops it, thought admittedly, that is pretty cool.

[executiveassistant]

[space hobo.

but yeah there were the space tears, but those don't need bringing up.]

So nothing too ground-breaking there, then. [You've always been a little crazy, Mike.] But if you want to work on the legal aspects of fictional characters, be my guest.

Surely, you're all too qualified. Just think, the fourth wall will remember you so fondly.

[:')]

[paralegals]

[ her amused smile turns into outright laugher, not mocking, but fond. oh mike. ]

You know, that was a little rushed, but it got good near the end.

[ esp. the part about how hot she is. ] Guess I'm not doing too shabby, either.

[fraud]

[ remember when he cried on you-- wait, you said don't need to be brought up? okay, cool.

anyway he just looks at her flatly and lets out a very sarcastic laugh. ]

Aha ha ha.

[ :| ]

... I-- [ spluttering! spluttering and redfacing and oh my GOD ] I thought we swore not to talk about that! Or at least, were in very strong denial about it! They forgave me in the end! It's not like I killed Kirk myself, right?

[fraud]

[ he gives a tilt of his head to the side. ]

You probably could do much better.

[ and he griiiins ]

But, I mean, at least I make it up for by being very, very, very earnest?

[ oh my god they're like cats, get them away from each other ]

[wulver]

The only thing I took from all of this is that your coping liquor is cognac.

[ please enjoy that particularly southern mangling of the french language. ]

I mean, it could be worse—you could've picked ouzo or someshit—but... cognac.