(headcanon) birthday boy in a few hours 8')

[crownless]

Lady, I don't think you know how fiction works. The point is that the story is contained-- as in, it's still 2010 where I am and it will always be 2010. Whatever happened to all that weird meta time loop crap you were so into?

[you just don't want to admit that you're 33, travis.]

Because I'm not! Are you even listening?!

...No, you can't get my goddamn twin brother to confirm, he'll tell you the same damn thing!

Comments

[ishotyouuu]

Hey, chill out and eat your prunes, Grandpa. Age ain't nothin' but a number.

[Says the man who's permanently physically 33.]

What do you even care how old you are? You're a fictional character! You can't die. I mean, unless your pal Suda decides to kill you off in a sequel. That would kinda suck.

[deshabille]

Have her check your rings.

[crownless]

Don't push it, Pops, you need help keeping your bowels movements regular way more'n I do. You're, what, eighty? [HE KNOWS IT'S LESS BUT HE'S BEING AN ASSHOLE, OKAY]

Technically, I can. Repeatedly. [hi players he's felt every time Jasper Batt chucked him out the window.] Not that that's anything novel to you, though.

[crownless]

What rings?

[quick mal knock him over and check]

[deshabille]

Like rings in a tree.

[SHOUTING UPWARD:]

Just break him open and see!

[crownless]

What the fuck?! Nobody's getting busted open, especially not me!

[I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT MAL]

[deshabille]

[THANKS YOU'RE A PEACH, says Mal]

[Meanwhile, threatening hand gestures that somehow indicate Travis getting bust open like a piñata. If she knew what that was. Which she does not.]

[ishotyouuu]

I meant permanently, dipshit. Someone's always hittin' that reset button, y'know?

And my bowels have a flawless shift pattern, thank you very much. You should worry more about yourself. I've seen how long it sometimes takes you to save. More fiber would probably help with that. Jussayin'.

Oh, and "Pops"? Really? Real snappy comeback there, Shakespeare. That's not what you were callin' me last night.

[crownless]

[ ]

[BLANK STARE.............]

Expecting to beat candy out of me?

[deshabille]

. . . What?

[frysquint]

[flirts]

Does ze birthday boy want a present~?

[crownless]

Yeah, I know. [sullenly.] It's still no fun, though, y'know? I think I'm a classic now, sure, but who says I'm not gonna go the way of Duke Nukem? [he's actually quite serious about this, despite the levity; who wants to be a has-been, after all?] Gotta stay up-to-date, y'know?

And the load times aren't that bad, damn.

[oh my g OD W ADE GET OUT HE'S NOT EVEN GOING TO DIGNIFY THAT WITH A RESPONSE PAST A LOOK]

[crownless]

You know. Like a pinata? [miming pinata motions!] Big paper mache horse filled with cheap candy?

[crownless]

Oh fuck, no, I learned my lesson-- you're not gonna get me again!

[ >travis touchdown
>learn
>girlslaughing.jpg]

What is it, huh? You gonna step on my face with stiletto heels this time?

[ishotyouuu]

[He sees that Look and raises you a wink and a subtle air-kiss, Travis.]

I'm... not really sure you wanna go that route, brosef. Bein' up-to-date and all. It's not all it's cracked up to be. I would know.

[Boy, does he ever.]

You should just be happy you got two successful games outta your life. Some of us haven't even gotten one yet.

[Fanboy backlash in 3... 2... 1...]

[deshabille]

Oh dear. You've gone completely insane. It was only a matter of time.

[crownless]

[subtle his ass, wilson] Later.

Geez, it's not that bad, is it? Actually, never mind-- I don't actually wanna know.

[SICK BURNS, DEADPOOL]

[crownless]

You wanna tell that to all of Mexico?

[fortunefavored]

Cry me a river, dude, you're still younger than me!

But hey, if it makes you feel better, we can find some alcohol somewhere.

[deshabille]

Where?

[crownless]

Time bullshit, McFly: I'm still older than you. Uh, I think. [S H R U G ?????]

Booze? [pfffffff] Well, shit, happy birthday to me!

[crownless]

...Never mind.

[fortunefavored]

Depends on what timeline we're talking! If I'm in my canon, I'm older than you. If I'm in your canon, I'm younger.

What's a birthday without booze? Even if it's Tendo's moonshine but y'know.

[flirts]

Well, if you are going to be so cynical, maybe I won't tell you.

[deshabille]

Now you have to tell me.

[EXPLAIN MEXICO!!]