canon | the thick of it

[omnishambles]

Let's get one thing bloody straight, you fucking oriental ectoplasm. If you think you're signing me up for the fucking long run, you better have something good up your sleeve beyond a free labor plan cum drafting policy. I don't care who else you've got stowed away in this fucking myopic jack-in-the-box; yes, I realize I haven't got any say in the matter — if y' want to know how I feel about that, I'm referring you to my fucking blood pressure — but if you don't make this worth my time, you won't be able to differentiate me from Gordon Ramsay on fucking cocaine, and every little action you take from a fucking shitty little risotto, I'm fucking serious.

—Oh, and don't start with me on that fucking sci-fi Dune bullshit. What am I supposed to be excited about? Fucking EastEnders? As much as we all enjoy high fantasy — look, I'll give you this one for free — it's something I prefer to keep to the privacy of my own bedroom, yeah?

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[bowtiesandfezzes]

....

This is the new me?

[omnishambles]

According to the anthropomorphized sneeze sitting at the keyboard, you get the face. As for the personality, I've got no bloody clue, but you'd better hope he's the fucking benign cancer version of me, or the universe is getting a right bollocking for being such a twat.

[bowtiesandfezzes]

.... Oh. Alright, then. I'm the Doctor, by the way.

[omnishambles]

I don't believe I ever made an appointment.

[bowtiesandfezzes]

Not really that kind of doctor. It's more like a name or a title. "The Doctor", I mean.

[separates]

Well, you're a cheery one, then.

[omnishambles]

Don't worry, I've seen you on the telly. Not recently, mind — last one I saw looked like he'd been rejected from the fucking Beatles.

[omnishambles]

Yeah, I'm the epitome of grace and charm, sweetheart.

[alethiometric]

What's Dune?

[separates]

First off, 'sweetheart' has a name. It's Clara, yeah? And second, are you serious? Because I don't think you've gone and said it enough.

[omnishambles]

Clara, then. Let me let you in on a little secret, Clara — as much as I enjoy the sound of my own voice, I don't enjoy fucking repeating myself. Nor do I enjoy being taken off into Lord of the bloody Rings with no prior notice.

[omnishambles]

A bunch of desert hobos fight over paprika, and Sting fights that bloke from Twin Peaks. I've just saved you a couple of hours of your life; you're welcome.

[alethiometric]

[No idea what he just said.]

Sounds boring. What do you do, then?

[omnishambles]

[ He has another answer prepared for this — the kind he might have unleashed on Ollie had he ever had the gall to ask him, early on — but the girl's a bit too young for him to want to use that kind of blunt vitriol.

Mostly, anyway. ]

Director of communications. That mean anything to you?

[alethiometric]

You direct communications. Like, controlling it.

[Queen of bullshit answers: Lyra Silvertongue, everybody.]

[separates]

Dunno, sounds like the change in scenery might do you some good.

[omnishambles]

[ Bullshit answer, maybe, but not actually that far off. ]

—You know what, that's the answer I'll use the next time anyone ever asks me that question again.

[omnishambles]

Ah— no; I quite like it grey, rainy, and miserable, thank you very much.

[separates]

Quite the recurring pattern with you, isn't it?

[alethiometric]

[That gets him a grin.]

My uncle does something like that. Well, he tells people what to do.

[bowtiesandfezzes]

Oh, right, that one. With the recorder and everything?

[omnishambles]

I switch it up sometimes. Grey, rainy, and vengeful, for example.

[omnishambles]

Smart man, I hope? For both his sake and his country's.

[omnishambles]

No clue, though I suppose you'd know better if he's supposed to be a past version of you. Never had much time for anything but the news.

[bowtiesandfezzes]

That's a shame.

Wait, I'm on on a television program?

[separates]

Blimey, wouldja look at that? Someone's versatile.

[omnishambles]

Like Leonardo fucking DiCaprio, love.

[separates]

I'd throw in that one Titanic line about showing me the stars here, but I'm afraid a) spot's already filled and b) I'd find better experiences in a graveyard.

[omnishambles]

I should take insult, but I don't think the argument's worth my breath. And anyway, no stars until the second date.

[separates]

Now he's gettin' it.

And if this is your idea of a first date, you've got some priorities you had better sort out there, Tuck.

[omnishambles]

[ With a laugh: ] "Tuck?" Not yet, you don't — not even my secretary calls me that.

[separates]

[ She holds up a finger, wagging it just a bit. ] Ah — you called me 'sweetheart'. I'm allowed one free 'Tuck'.

[omnishambles]

Pet name for a pet name? Careful where you wag that finger, though — I'll bite it off the next time you try that with me.

[separates]

And they say chivalry's dead.

[omnishambles]

Hey, at least I'm not fucking my best mate's fucking wife in front of God and the whole fucking round table.

[alethiometric]

I never met anybody smarter, 'cept maybe one person. Once he got some Scholars to give him some money by showing them the head of a dead man. They got so scared they agreed to do what he wanted right away.