dear_mun | finished the series.

Entry tags:

canon: heroes

finished the series.

It's like my very own smorgasbord out here. I feel spoiled, I really have to applaud this opportunity to broaden my horizons. Still, you need to know your end-game and understand your own motivation before raising your hand like this, it's only common sense. Well, more than a little, but don't worry about a thing — you picked me. And before all the couch therapists come running, so wholly relentless in loving the sound of their own voices, I think I'll settle in for good right here. Bask. Relax.

There's so much out there just waiting to be unravelled, unlocked. It's kind of poetic, the high I'm on. I'd say I don't expect you to understand, but you should probably settle down before you strain something in excitement.

Seriously, park it.

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[ Mental applause, it belongs to Peter. ]

Aren't you the optimist today. [ It earns him a once-over, brown eyes flicking up and down curiously. ] What about you, has anything happened?

[ He tries.

And admittedly, the question earns something of a confused look. Partially because a lot of things happen all the time, and yet mostly because Peter's not entirely sure which aspect of them Sylar's asking about. ] What do you mean? Has anything happened where?

To you, Peter. [ His look narrows as if to translate into How many things could I be talking about? ] I have a stake of interest in your well-being, believe it or not.

[ Okay, that gives him pause for more than a few seconds. He's not overtly concerned, but it's there, because Sylar wanting to know about his 'happenings' isn't exactly something that could be construed as good. At least not all the time. ]

You want to know about my day. [ It's a statement, but it's just as much a question. ]

Why break five years worth of wondering?

[ Which is Sylar!talk for Yes, I want to know. It's more of a rote habit now they're not stuck in his head, but he can't switch off his curiosity as easily as he'd like; not when it feels rooted in something real. The barely-there roll of his eyes hastily overrides any answer that can be given, along with a dismissive shake of his head when the wariness buffets his concern. Of course. ]

Never mind, forget I asked.

I'm not forgetting you asked, Sylar, just wasn't expecting the question.

[ He's only mildly huffy now, but it's gone after a hot second because earning a 'never mind' from Sylar somehow makes him feel a slight twinge of guilt. He didn't catch on fast enough - that's his fault. ]

Mostly depends on which day you want to know about. [ Because there are options here, and Peter looks grumpy because sometimes life just sucks. ] All gets too complicated -- i'd take the five years all over again over my daily routine.

[ It really does make things mildly better seeing Peter huffy, even in part. Being good doesn't exactly have to mean nice and Sylar's been far from it for the majority of the past few years, dreamscapes not included.

Confusion twinges between his brows, down-turning the cant of his lips. ]

Why? You wouldn't wish yourself back there over something minor.

Maybe because I don't like the reminder that i'm a threat to society.

[ Peter's still touchy about that one - his younger self somewhere up in space even more so, especially when it revolves around Adam - and certain people don't quite know how to handle it sensitively. We're all looking at you, Nathan. ]

In there, everything else- it's not the same. You know that.

[ He really does feel the pangs of an older brother at times, none so frequently as when the other man starts to pine. It doesn't really matter over what, Nathan's old instincts are like looking through a broken and rotted frame, all the fissures filled in with Sylar's self-built opinion. ]

It was simpler. That doesn't mean it was better, Peter.

I'm not sure the possibility of going insane in space is any more better than going insane inside of your head.

[ And Peter knows it's true -- all the times where losing his mind in the silence of nothing but his thoughts was really all there was to it. To the sheer emptiness that he tried to keep Sylar outside of. But that didn't mean there weren't other aspects as well; far too much time to make room and allow things to finally make sense. Five years of stillness after chaos. ]

I wouldn't have let that happen. [ Touching his shoulder, he gives a slight squeeze for emphasis. ] You won't go insane anywhere, alright? You're stronger than that, I know you are.

[ Peter knows, which is exactly why he doesn't say it. He doesn't need to confirm that losing their minds just wasn't something they'd let themselves fall into. ]

Maybe I am now, but it's different. [ Offering up a briefly insistent look, like it could somehow explain everything, Peter gives his head a shake. ] Don't actually think i'll lose my mind there, it's just made everything that much more complicated. Even got my dog back from the dead.

Can't you talk to anyone? You always have people around for that.

[ Even as ridiculously private as the Petrellis are, there's usually Claire or Mohinder flitting around Peter. Parkman, that complete bastard too. Failing them, he finds it difficult to imagine Peter's completely alone somewhere that he's getting dead dogs thrown at him for company as a supplemental event. ]

I have Nathan.

[ Y'know, the one that told him he was dangerous and a threat and all the things his little younger self was not of a mind to hear. Peter'd roll with it now, but still fresh from Adam and it's a little too much of a slap in the face.

So he shrugs, blase because ignoring it's what makes it go away that much faster. It worked that way before.... pff. ] Apart from him, still haven't found anyone i'm willing to tell my life story to just yet.

[ Peter, your life makes Sylar want to facepalm. Unequivocally, and if asked, he won't hesitate to classify Adam a dick. This coming from the guy who slices heads open. ]

Is it weird having him back?

It would be if I was there. In space- it's back when I hadn't even seen you for months. Still thought you were dead. Showed up right after I almost released the virus.

[ He says it like this is somehow old news to him, his counterparts running amok while he stays consistent. Then he nods at Sylar like he's pointing at him, at the surround. ] This is different. And if I was there- I don't know what it'd be like. Not gonna spend time thinking about it, either.

Y'know, I'm not one for space-time continuum crap even if I did try to steal it from Hiro once or twice, but it sounds like you're lucky your head isn't sewn on backwards so I'll just express my sympathies and say I'm glad you got your dog back. If you actually did.

[ A hand waves off the clarification. ]

I know here's different. I'm not trying to rip abilities out of people, for one thing. [ Anxiety clicks in the heel of his shoe where it scuffs the ground. ] Probably would be.

[ It's even worse than he's saying but Peter just leaves it where it is because complications. He still doesn't understand half of it. His life is messy; there's a reason he'd take Sylar's mind back if only because at least parts of it made sense. ]

Why, because you don't actually think you can keep yourself from doing it? [ Peter gives Sylar something of a stern look, though it's not angry. More expectant really, almost pleading, almost hopeful. Too many things to count. ]

This is supposed to be your chance, Sylar.

None of that will matter if I don't even remember going to see Parkman in the first place. It'll just be me, stuck in a cesspool of gifted idiots who don't appreciate their abilities. It won't go down well.

[ Sighing, he cards back his hair. ]

I wouldn't even get a chance at a chance; you wouldn't be there.

Doesn't mean you can't change. [ It's mostly mumbled because Peter knows better than anyone (or so he thinks) that the only way Sylar could change is because of what happened. He won't have a miraculous change of heart, he won't become anyone except who he was.

But Peter still tosses our a glower, despite himself. ]

And how do you I wouldn't be there?

Have you met me? My life? I'm not that lucky, I'd try and kill you even if you did turn up. It's no way to live, Peter, locked together in hatred. You deserve better than that.

[ Even if Sylar could sink into the bowels of hell without voicing a single complaint, Peter shouldn't have to. He's the kind of good that doesn't have to try, it just is. ]

[ Peter just goes ahead and amps up the stubbornness; arms folded across his chest and an expression set practically into stone. Self-deprecation is something they're both excellent at steeping in but Peter's not altogether willing to put up with it. Not all the time, not when it's like this. ]

Stop acting like you have to protect me from things you don't know anything about. Not yet. What I deserve doesn't have anything to do with it. You're as much of a part of me- [ The silence is a momentary hiccup, Peter wondering why he even talks sometimes. ] I can't lose it either.

It's not about luck. It's about making things right.

[ His eyes track that momentary flux where Peter loses his train of thought, frustration circling when he's uncertain what to do with it. Fill in the blanks? God, how much more awkward could this possibly be? ]

Let me explain something to you. [ Getting into Peter's personal space is a bad idea, but then again when isn't Sylar brimming with them. ] I won't want to make things right. I won't have five years of you reminding me I'm more than my ability. I will kill and steal and I'll enjoy it, Peter. I know I'd hurt you, okay?

[ His face screws up, crumbling as he wonders how much clearer he can make it, pointing to his messed up head. ]

I feel it in here!

You think I don't get it? That i'm clueless what it means for you to go back, for it to start all over again? That maybe i'd be the one stuck without you remembering or the other way around, wishing it'd go back to the way it was but knowing that it won't?

[ Because he's been there before -- a different time, a different place. Like the time where inheriting Sylar's power meant something more than he could've ever explained when it just wasn't part of him anymore.

Sylar's dug into his personal space before and Peter just stays put, brimming with something that's anger but reeks of a need for things to stay the way they are. ] Just like you know that it'd actually stick this time, and you wouldn't even stop to think about it. But what you don't get is exactly how things change sometimes. The way you won't be able to stop it- it won't matter what you feel.

What do you expect me to do, Peter? [ Putting that out there is all he can manage, the gutting fear of dying alone and unloved gnawing away at him as effectively as that awful hunger always has. ] I asked Parkman for his help and he screwed me over, do you think I'll be in any state of mind if I remember that to listen?

I don't want to hurt anyone, not least of all you.

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