dear_mun | (no subject)

Do you ever think it's weird that you know everything about me, but I don't know anything about you? I reckon this is how it happened:

(Scene. Derelict bookshop in an alleyway. With looooads of books. Like Moony sort of books. THUNDER CRACKS OMINOUSLY.)

YOU. Oh hullo, do you have any autobiographies on particularly dashing British fellows?

SHOPKEEPER. Oh yes, would you be interested in learning about one Sirius Black? He's the most dashing of all the dashing fellows.

YOU. However did I never notice? Ta very much. I will now give you my left kidney as payment.

SHOPKEEPER. Cheers mate. (He grins toothily. But alas! What will he do with the kidney? FIND OUT MORE NEXT TIME.)

If you were anyone else, I'd think that you were on the pull. Which is nothing to be ashamed about, really, 'cause who wouldn't want to pull me? Lots of birds out there do. Even James, absolutely smashing and Lilysexual bloke that he is, has snogged me whilst pissed. There was tongue. On his end, not mine.

. . . Lily, if you're listening, you're one lucky girl.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

...

Harry, love, do cover your eyes and ears when around Sirius. I would hate for him to corrupt you.

Sorry, my tongue must've slipped. What I meant to say is that your parents are two lovely chaste songbirds who would never even dream of doing anything more than holding hands in their room. Whilst leaving the door open and unlocked to corrupt the poor innocent eyes of anyone trying to get their sodding Transfiguration essay.

Why hello, Lily, you're looking beautiful as always.

What have I told you about snogging my husband?

[ portrait of innocence right here. ]

To invite you along next time?

And why wasn't I invited?

( oh, look! lily is playing along. contact the prophet. )

[ in a loud conspiratorial whisper. ]

What if Harry hears you saying that?

Oh, please. Harry the toddler won't understand and I'm sure older Harry has heard worse... Much much worse... Maybe I don't want to think about that.

[ snort ]

And you're worried about me corrupting him.

I didn't realize I had a sort of book.

[He's just going to bury his face in his hands, Merlin, Sirius why do you do this??]

The really thick and musty kinds that belch up dust when you try to open them, and they're twice the size of my head and have all sorts of long words that no decent human being should know.

[ WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITHOUT HIM TO DISTRACT YOU FROM YOUR BOOKS, MOONY? ]

So you're saying that out of all the wonderful books your mun could have chosen, they settled on one about you?

[...READ...MORE BOOKS???]

I can't say for certain, but I imagine that's how it happened.

[ NEVER. Tonight shall be the first day of the glorious revolution against books. Ready your men. ]

That's really just tragic.

[NO NO NO!!!! Leave him alone with his books!]

Sirius Black and the Revenge of the Custard.

Sirius Black and the Entire Russian Ballet.

Sirius Black and the Revolution Against Books.

I could go on.

Sirius Black and the Mystery of His Tiny Shrunken Head, author unknown, circa 1979. Taken from journals found in a derelict pet shop beneath mountains of dust-belching, enormous books containing terribly long words. Have faint traces of the word "moon," first letter capitalized, sometimes ending with the letter y. The story of a particularly dashing British fellow who is now in Saint Mungo's due to the hex of an unknown criminal that has given him a shrunken head.

Want another?

Let it be known you are the absolute worst best mate ever. There was oath swearing on the subject of never discussing Certain Portions of That Particular Night - blood oaths. Or at least oaths over bloody Marys the next morning, which is just as applicable, you utter berk.

Never mind if there was any sort of tongue involved it was your own drooling one.

Also an entire bloody shop of Moony-grade books is enough to make one cry. Hold me, Pads.

D'you really expect me to hold you after your slanderous allegations of my drooling tongue? I'm deeply and truly hurt, Prongs.

That's neither slanderous nor allegation - it's fact, as my various trainers can very well attest to. And I'd think that in the face of such a thing, you'd leap at a chance to improve your standing in my fair and speccy eyes.

At this rate I might well bump up Peter to be my right hand Offensive Agent Pi.

You're letting the side down, soldier. Besides, you can't bump up Peter, as I'm the Supreme Commander and therefore outrank you and your squinty eyes.

You are hereby demoted to Pudding Agent Kappa for that show of insubordination, soldier.

Supreme Commander my majestic arse, you are. Speaking with the authority of Strike Leader Alpha, consider yourself charged with first rate mutiny and confine yourself as punishment for same. Do we have a dungeon? We ought to have a dungeon for this sort of occasion, really.

Until such time as we do have appropos accommodations - fetch me another bottle of Ogden's and a Fizzing Whizbee. Chop chop.

Sorry, one more time? I couldn't hear you over clawing my eyes out.

Don't claw your eyes out, Lils, then both of you'd be blind, and that would be a bloody shame. Although I suppose this means I could prance about starkers at your place and you wouldn't threaten to hex my bits off anymore because your eyes would be all clawed out.

James would hex your bits off if I asked, especially if you came round starkers.

[ long-suffering sigh ]

If I had known you would be this vindictive and cruel towards a man's bits, I would have stolen James away and we would have lived on a free love commune in California, and we could be listening to that Muggle band right now whilst smoking gillyweed, the one that goes na na na na na na na.

Does the gillyweed go na na na or the band?

What have I told you about boundaries, Sirius? Clearly your last lesson didn't stick.

Last time I had candyfloss coming out of my ears, so I may have missed some of what you were saying. Candyfloss is good for a man's appetite, dearest Lilypad, but never for his ears. That is why you take pity on those poor blokes with candyflossitis.

[ also known as he forgot what happened last time entirely ]