a little test for my favourite boy

[shinjite]

I feel like you shouldn't put me anywhere, mun. I'm fine with where I am now.

[the wrap of his arms around his legs, curled so tight to him. his breathe is low, and his eyes are down-cast, lips pressed into a firm line.]

I'm fine here. Right here. [his voice cracks.]

[locks of his hair brush against his knees. his eyes are not focusing on anything anymore.]

Comments

[5thchild]

Won't you feel lonely, though?

[shinjite]

I'm used to it, so it's not a problem.

[he wants to disappear into himself. not him, please.]

[5thchild]

No one should be used to loneliness.

That's why it matters [ why it is a problem ].

[shinjite]

[he opens his mouth to reply, but is lost on what to say.

a couple of moments later, he mumbles into his knees.]

I don't want to concern myself with other people. [don't shake, shinji. don't.]

[5thchild]

[ Kaworu comes closer, hand reaching to stroke Shinji's head ] Because you are afraid of being hurt. But by pushing everyone away, you will feel lonely and sad, in pain and suffering. You won't find yourself and you won't love yourself.

And in the end, you are still enduring pain.

[shinjite]

[he's startled by the movement, and he tucks closer into himself. he feels his arms starting to quiver, and he shakes his head, conflicted. ] You say things I can't understand, things beyond what I can do. [you complicate everything, he wants to say.]

With other people, everything just hurts. [his voice gets softer.] Nothing good seems to come out of it.

[5thchild]

[ Kaworu stops as he notices Shinji's reaction and pulls his hand away ]

Tell me, Shinji. Were all the times you were with them [ Asuka, Misato, Toji. Perhaps other version of Kaworu, since he doesn't know which timeline you come from ] bad times? Sad times? Did you hate them all?

[shinjite]

[he shifts, uncomfortable with this question.]

A lot of times, they confused me. The times I was with them, it was happy but then it hurt more in the end. They all ended up hurting me, being mean to me. Pushing me to do things. Made me do horrible things. [his voice is cracking again, and he feels a rock in his throat.]

But I never hated them. Why am I even telling you all this? [he looks up, confused.] Why do you care?

[5thchild]

Because I love you. [ yeaaaaah.


Kaworu smiles ]

You have felt happiness with them. You are capable of feeling happiness, Shinji-kun.

Sadness and pain aren't all there is to your heart. There is hope, hope that you will be happy. And I'm sure you will, I'm sure you can. You just need to allow your heart to do it.

[shinjite]

[whoop there it is.

those words pass through him, animate him, then settle on his tongue. he has to swallow a couple of times.]

How can you say those words so easily? [why would you love someone like me.] None of this makes sense! Your words.

[he doesn't want to believe in kaworu's words. they give him a small tremor of warmth, of hope, of something to believe in. but how can he trust people like that? how can he open his heart?]

[5thchild]

[ He smiles very softly ]

Shinji-kun, I am capable of saying them because they are true. I love you, with all of my heart and being.

You are worthy of it and so much more.

[shinjite]

[his breath gets caught and he looks at his knees again.]

I - . [he flushes, not because he wants to.]

You're too honest, Kaworu-kun. [he could melt right there.]

[5thchild]

I have no reason not to be. [ Kaworu reaches out for Shinji again to attempt to stroke his hair ]

[shinjite]

[shinji does not recoil this time. in fact, he simply holds his breath.]

You're too kind for your own good. Too kind ...

[5thchild]

[ he gently strokes Shinji for few seconds. ]

That's because I'm always thinking of you.

[shinjite]

[it feels good, not to be touched harshly. or to be afraid for a few minutes. maybe this can be a good thing, and not a bad thing. maybe shinji can believe his words are sincere.]

[he smiles, just barely, and it is sheepish.]

How do I stop being afraid?

[5thchild]

Being afraid isn't what is bad, Shinji-kun. What is bad is for you to become your own fears. Because you need to overcome your fears, but not fight yourself.

[ he will sit close to Shinji now, hand searching for Shinji's ] Remember the good and the happiness you have felt. With such feelings in your heart, you are surely to find the right path to feel them again.

[shinjite]

[shinji makes no move, or rejection towards kaworu's actions. he is nervous and does jump a little when he gets closer, but it's not a large deal and it is hidden by his blush.]

You know so much about everything. I can't seem to understand it, and yet I feel like I can at the same time. I feel like I'm not going to be where your words are for a long time. [he feels his mouth loosening, talking easier.]

[5thchild]

You see, Shinji-kun - everything is always changing. And though it looks so dark and grim at first, with the change, there will be lights guiding you and making your path brighter. Until the moment you realize, you are the one who is the brightest and you will lighten up everything around you.

[ Kaworu holds Shinji's hand, lacing his fingers with his ]

Have faith in yourself and the world around you. Fear change and the new, but don't reject it. And one day, all of this suffering will fade.

[shinjite]

[He desperately wants to believe every word, every syllable. He wants to believe it so much, too much; he gently squeezes Kaworu's hand in reciprocation, feeling comfort after such nice words.] With those words, my earlier troubles seem a little smaller. That's kind of amazing.

Can we stay like this for a little longer? [He asks quickly, looking away, frightened.]

[5thchild]

I'm glad I was able to help.

[ he nods after ] of course, Shinji-kun. For as long you'd like.