dear_mun | tid: on clockwork princess (spoilers possible in comments)

I've always known what you are, from the first moment I met you.

[ He smiles in a reserved way, leaning with his hands tucked in his pockets and a nonchalance that isn't- hasn't been customary for so long. Still isn't commonplace, maybe won't ever be but...

Some of the weight is gone from him, blue eyes burning brighter than ever as he studies her face. ]

You are Tessa. Magnificent, radiant, overwhelming, and overwhelmed Tessa.

[ He says that Jem was his compass pointing north, and that is not something that she can replace — in more ways than one, Jem was-- if not her compass then her strength or part of it, when Will was still pushing her away because he believed himself cursed, when she felt more a monster than someone of worth.

Those days are past now, and Will — in all his imperfect perfection, with his strength and his quirks and peculiarities — cannot replace Jem, nor does he have to. How it is that she can love them both so much, with her love for one not taking from the love for the other, Tessa does not know. She does know that seeing Will smile an honest smile, hearing his voice: it is something that she cannot but cherish.

Nor can she help reaching for him, just the tips of her fingers against his arm. ]

I am not so overwhelming or magnificent as you make me out to be, Will Herondale. [ In so many ways, he is her storybook hero. ]

[ Will's life would have been nothing without Jem. James Carstairs had saved him- in more ways than he could ever hope to express. He tried, on occasion. But the words all seemed too small, too few. It's the same with Tessa; she is everything. ] No, you are better.

[ His hand comes up, intercepts her own before it can brush his arm. Instead, his fingers lace with her own, drawing her gently closer by it as his other hand falls to rest upon her hip. He leans in, like he possesses a secret, curls of his dark hair brushing her cheek as he tucks close to her ear. His smile fades, though does not disappear. ]

'I love thee as I love the swell,
And hush, of some low strain,
Which bringeth, by its gentle spell,
The past to life again.
Such is the feeling which from thee
Nought earthly can allure:
'Tis ever link'd to all I see
Of gifted--high--and pure!'

[ He recites it against her ear as though they are words meant for her, and her alone. Though of course, he would shout his feelings for her from the rooftops if she asked it of him. When he has finished he does not draw away, instead continues to rest his hand upon her hip, while his other brushes his thumb along her knuckles. ]

Edited 2013-03-20 18:39 (UTC)

Acton. [ There is a smile curving her lips now, something soft and gentle almost. At times, it feels as though her heart may burst from feeling this, as though it is too much to hold in. Perhaps it is, perhaps there is not enough room in her heart to feel all this love for Will, for Jem, undiminished — to feel such incredible sorrow at having lost Jem, of having lost others, too: her brother, her aunt, her parents far too early. Of having brought pain to the Shadowhunters who have taken her in. It may not have been for entirely selfless reasons, but they have become her family before everything.

There are so many things to process now: Charlotte becoming consul, Jem's choices, Will, that she will outlive him. It is the last that makes her breath catch as much as it is his poem, his words in her ear and his breath ghosting over her skin. It feels as though his hand over hers is too hot, and she relishes the burn.

Will has always been a bright star.

She feels as though her heart is overflowing, joy and sorrow tangling until she can hardly tell them apart; and Will is right in front of her, unwavering now. Tessa tips her head forward to let it rest against his shoulder. ]

[ It's as if he knows what she's thinking, but then again, she had said she was overwhelmed, but how couldn't she be? So much has happened- will happen- ]

Tess. [ He breathes her name, turns his face and presses his lips to her hair. ]

My one regret, through everything is that I have but one life to give you. [ But he's not here for sorrow, there's time enough for that though it tears him apart to know he'll cause it. So he pushes such thoughts down, pushes them away and brings the hand at her hip up to thread through her hair, turning her face to press his lips to her own. Finds solace in that, at least when he is gone she is not alone. That some part of him will live not only with her, but with their children, their grandchildren-

and of course, in James Carstairs. ]

[ She loves that he calls her that. There was a time, months when he wouldn't and she knows why - of course she does - but it still hurt her then to have the reminder of the distance between them. That no longer exists; now some days she feels as though there is no space at all between them. Not so much in the physical sense, though at times it is literal, but as though there exists no divide between them. They are alike, and she knows him.

Tessa draws in a shaky breath, tilting her head into the kiss and her lips falling open under his.

His words are an uncomfortable reminder. She is immortal, that much she knows. That Will is not — it is no reason not to love him (as though she could stop if she tried) and no reason not to want to be by his side every moment that she can be, for as long as it is possible. Protecting herself from the future heartache that his mortality may bring her is not worth losing him now. It cannot be.

She was willing to be with Jem until his death. The same holds for Will, and Tessa presses her eyes closed, pushing down the soft and somewhat distressed sound that threatens to escape her throat. She has this now. They are alive. ]

[ Will would have given her anything, done anything- just to keep her safe, keep her happy. Even if that meant giving her up. But that he doesn't have to. Yet even that is a decision layered with some selfishness. Knowing what he does, that Tessa is going to suffer because of him. That inevitably, he will die.

But it doesn't have to matter, not right now. Not today. So he pulls her even closer still, his free arm wrapping around her waist as he presses soft, needy kisses against her lips. Smiles as he catches the corners of them, traces them with his own as though committing them to memory, yet still kissing her in a way that speaks as though they have all the time in the world- not simply a life time. ]

I love you. [ It's thrilling to be able to say it, to not have to hide it from her- to keep it in his heart and suffer on it's behalf. He doesn't think he'll ever get tired of saying it, either, and his smile widens as he steals another kiss, says it in a whisper against her lips again- just for good measure. ]

[ And it will make her feel as though her heart is breaking again when his time comes — there is no way in which one can prepare oneself for the death of a loved one. Losing Jem was difficult enough, but at least she hadn't lost him to death. There may be selfishness in Will's wanting to stay despite knowing that it will bring her pain, but she does not see it that way: she would suffer losing him now, too. Is it not better to have the time with him and to make the best of it?

Without him, how could she feel fully alive? Without Will, who makes her laugh even when she is angry and who gives her words that speak to her very soul. He and she, they are much alike in the value they place in words, the importance they see in them.

Her fingers curl into the material of his shirt, to pull him closer rather than to push him away. She hopes that she will never again have cause to do the latter; she would not even know why she might want to. Breathless: ] Will.

[ And then, because she can — because as confused and overwhelmed as she may be, this one thing is certain: ] I love you.

[ He gazes at Tessa for a long moment before a smile finally graces his lips. Still, he says nothing, just letting himself be blessed by her presence for a moment. ]

[ She wants to reach out for him; perhaps just to assure herself that he is there, or to trace that smile so as to commit it to memory forever. She is losing him, but not to death. There is a certain relief to that, though her heart aches at the same time. ]

James.

Tessa... Are you well?

[ There's an almost imperceptible crack in his voice as he speaks. Now's not the time or place to dwell on what he knows of his own universe. This is not that universe, and right now, he's just indescribably happy to see Tessa... If only it wasn't for just this moment. ]

I think — [ she allows herself a moment to think on it; jem of all people deserves an honest answer. ] I think that I will be.

[ right now she is still too confused to know for certain. ]

[ He nods, seeming to accept that answer. He pushes his own questions and fears aside for now. ]

I'll admit that I'm almost too glad to see you to really care what the circumstances around that might be. [ A pause. ] That seems... an almost Will-ish level of selfishness.

You know that I am glad to see you as well. [ even if it hurts to remember the heartache, even if she's lost him. at least she hasn't lost him to death. ]

You are allowed this. [ is it selfishness if she is equally glad? is it selfishness if it is healthy, if it is sane? consensual? ]

[ He's starting to become aware that his path has veered off of "canon," but even so, there's a thinly veiled longing in his eyes as he looks at her, the kind of pain lingering there as there would be in one whose love has long since died. ]

You've always been generous. I'm very glad at the chance to see you again.

[ One last time, as might be the case for him. ]

[ it is not a look that she likes to see in him. ]

Jem — [ but what is there to say? that she will see him again? perhaps so, but she cannot be certain. they have all made choices, they're going down different paths. ]

[ He smiles at her, putting his very soul into it. ] Yes?

tid: on clockwork princess (spoilers possible in comments)

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THIS IS NOT OKAY

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