dear_mun | on her boyfriend's termination

_{[... Wow, okay, yeah. As... herself, Heather knows there is pretty much literally nothing she can say to make this feel any better.]

[So she just sort of comes over and lays a hand on her other self's shoulder.]}

[Heather gives herself a sidelong glance and then lets her gaze fall back to the floor]

Hey.

[She appreciates the simplicity of the gesture. It helps more than anything else is going to, that much is certain. No amount of words or actions are going to fix this, but there is a little twinge of comfort there]

Guess you heard that, huh?

Yeah. Sort of hard not to, I mean, I am you.

Wanna talk about it?

Good point.

[There's a pause, and she swallows, hard. Fiddles with the hem on her shirt. Anything to keep from really thinking. Then finally she nods, slowly, and a long sigh comes out with it]

Sure. I mean... it's not like I have any reason to hold back this stuff. Like you said. You're me.

[she tilts her head back and just stares off into space for a moment]

I dunno. I just feel so crappy. He was there one day, and the next he was just dead. And I'm never gonna see him again. Or hear one of his stupid puns again or... god, I don't know. I just don't know anything anymore.

... there was just so much stuff I didn't get to say to him.

_{[Aw, sweetie. :(]

[Heather goes ahead and removes her hand from her other self's shoulder, opting instead to just wrap a whole arm around them.]

[She's been there. Well hell, they both have. With their father. But they didn't deserve to go through that again.]}

There's always places like this, at least.

You know.

Limbo.

Maybe you'll get to see him again.

[a nod, and a small shrug, and then she returns the gesture and just squeezes, a little helplessly. It's good, and it's nice, to not have to pretend to be okay. Because this is one person she can't pretend with or lie to, for obvious reasons]

I guess. I mean... I hope so.

But it won't change the fact that I've gotta wake up in that shitty place every morning and remember that he's gone. He was... I know it sounds pretty stupid. But he was the only thing that made that place better, you know? It was easy to forget about the weekly torture and all that crap when I was talking to him. He was just such a dork and... man, I dunno how to explain it without sounding like a weirdo.

And I just... whatever. It doesn't change it to talk about it or anything. But it just sucks.

[a long sigh, and she kicks at the floor]

Yeah, I know. And it sucks balls.

Knowing that getting to see people again is temporary at best. That we'll always wake up somewhere we don't wanna be and surrounded by people who aren't the ones we want.

... But the same goes for any time you get something good.

You just gotta make the most of it while you have it.

_{[She pauses, sighing.]}

... I know that's not very comforting... n'that you probably already know it.

... I had to learn the hard way, too. Not TOO long ago.

What sucks the most is I didn't make the most of it. I mean sure, we spent time together or whatever, but I never really told him how much he meant to me. I told him I loved him once, and it just freaked him out. And we only kissed like twice and we were together for... god... like a year?

[and she feels stupid now along with her sadness. She gives her other self a sidelong glance at that last part, and a little twinge of worry goes over her features]

What d'you mean? Everything okay on your end?

_{[She smiles a bit weakly. Both out of sympathy because everything her other self is saying hits home, and also admittedly a little bit of jealousy. Because at least she'd gotten with the person she liked, even if it ... hadn't been what it could have been.]

[Still... it sucks. It sucks hard. Losing someone close to you ALWAYS does, no matter how hard you try to do the 'carpe diem' thing and not have regrets. There are ALWAYS regrets.]}

Me?

Well, no one's died.

That pretty much automatically puts me in the 'okay' category by comparison.

[Heather offers her an understanding look. Because how can she not understand?]

Whatever it is, doesn't make you automatically okay.

If you don't wanna talk about it, you don't have to. But I'm here to listen and stuff.

... Well...

_{[She pauses a moment. ... But... you know what, she's already done plenty of not-talking-about it back 'home'. And if she can't talk to herself, who can she talk to?]}

... A few months ago, Claudia showed up. _{[Again, but this time it had been worse. At least the first time... they had been able to talk to each other a little. Like old times, sort of.]}

[If Heather had been sitting in a chair, she would have fallen out of it]

Whoa, whoa wait. Rewind, freezeframe. Claudia showed up? In that place you're in?

_{[Yeeeeaaah. If anyone could understand what a BIG FREAKIN' DEAL that was, it's herself.]

[Heather groans slightly, reaching up to massage her temples with one hand.]}

Yeah.

Yeah.

With her own starter Pokemon and everything.

Actually, she showed up twice.

The first time... well, I won't lie, I was fuckin' furious, but it... it wasn't so bad. I guess.

... The second time, it was worse.

Twice?

...

...

Shit.

[she gives herself a sympathetic look]

Why was it worse? Do you uh... wanna rap about it?

_{[She's shaking her head a little bit, the hand having moved up to her hairline.]

[But before she can elaborate, she pauses, blinks, then looks over at her other self, the beginnings of a wry grin on her face.]}

... Rap about it?

I guess I could start bustin' some rhymes right here, but I dunno if the world is ready for that.

[Heather snorts and claps her other self on the back, momentarily forgetting about all the heavy feelings that are in this room right now]

Hey, you never know. Maybe we could give Sir Mix A Lot a run for his money.

_{[She manages a snicker as well. It's nice to know that even if things suck, she can at least still laugh with herself. That's something, right?]}

Yeah... we'll be the next Kanye West.

... Anyway.

The first time Claudia was here, I let slip something about M-- ... about Dahlia. ... You know. The truth, basically.

... She didn't-- ... hadn't known.

Seemed like it might've gotten through to her, a little.

... But then she disappeared and came back later.

[Heather just listens. She doesn't have to say how much all that affects her, because she's sure her other self knows]

And I'm guessing when she came back she wasn't exactly sunshine and rainbows?

Not exactly.

She kind of accused me of lying about the abuse. So that she'd doubt herself and get kicked out of 'Paradise'.

That's uh... wow.

That's pretty shitty. I don't even know how to feel about that. Obviously bad but... why would she wanna get kicked outta that place? I thought she had that weird ladyboner about it.

_{[She shakes her head, although there's a low chuff of a laugh just at the word 'ladyboner'.]}

No, no... I mean... she accused me of doing it to get her kicked out...

Trying to make her doubt Dahlia, so that she'd be expelled from Paradise.

'Cuz I kept trying to tell her that it WASN'T. Paradise, I mean... and since she disappeared not long after I let slip about ... that stuff, I guess she thought...

_{[She trails off there with a sigh, just staring ahead. No matter how much she hated Claudia, it's clear that being accused of making up stories of abuse hit Heather a lot harder than other things might have.]}

[There's a twinge of a smile, because she's glad her other self found some amusement in the word "ladyboner", but that smile falls and she offers a hand on her shoulder at the worlds, swallows, and doesn't know what to say.

But then again, when does she?]

Well, Claudia is crazy. Fuck her. Just... forget everything she said.

[Except she of all people knows that's easier said than done]

It sounds pretty dumb and like something out of an afterschool special, but you know you didn't make it up. And so does Dad, right? That's what counts. Claudia doesn't matter.

Yeah, I know, but...

_{[All those feelings. Everything about Claudia. The memories of that little white-haired girl, the knowledge of what happened to her, what she became. As much as she hates Claudia...]

[Heather looks at her other self for a moment, almost pleadingly. It's a slip in her otherwise-permanent mask of confidence.]}

You know how it feels, right?

How it would feel.

If something like that was said to you.

... If she said something like that to you.

_{[Claudia had been perfectly willing to take responsibility for her own cruelty to Heather, perfectly willing to admit that all her love for Alessa meant nothing in the face of her crimes against her, but her defense of, her loyalty do the monster that started it all...]}

[There's a long, serious pause, and Heather chews on the inside of her cheek and presses her hand almost unconsciously to the lump of her locket under her shirt]

I know how it feels.

[Her voice is low]

If she said somethin' like that to me I'd... I dunno. Probably feel like you do. Like she's got that idea into her head and there's nothing you can do about it and you don't know why you wanna do anything about it, and it makes you pissed off but at the same time it just hurts.

Something like that...

[But then again, Heather's never been so good at talking about feelings]

_{[It's okay. As herself, it's not hard for Heather to understand. If she had to come up with words... that's probably exactly what she'd say.]

[She nods.]}

... Yeah, so...

... I tried to burn her alive.

_{[... WELL THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY.]}

...

[An ellipse is literally the only response Heather can figure out initially. Maybe because of everything she's experienced in the Facility, but the idea actually horrifies her. Even if it's Claudia]

Okay so...

Uh...

Wow.

And how'd that go?

_{[Yeah. In hindsight, Heather's pretty horrified about it, herself.]

[She just lets out a sigh.]}

Not well.

... I couldn't do it.

She didn't even fight back.

I couldn't do it.

_{[For all her big talk back there in Silent Hill about how she was going to be the one who killed Claudia... she hadn't been able to when it came right down to it.]}

Well that's good.

[a long, long pause]

It means you're still not as low as her.

I don't know.

I still tried.

_{[And slapped her around a fair bit before actually trying to land a finishing blow, too.]}

But you didn't do it.

C'mon.

You know that what you almost did... what you thought about doing doesn't matter. Because it wasn't what you did.

I dunno, man.

That sounds like it should be the case. Like it's supposed to be the case.

But it sure doesn't feel that way.

All it feels like is...

... Is that I set out to do something awful, making me a monster, and then failed at it, which means I also suck at sticking to my guns.

Either way you look at it...

[A beat.]

Yeah...

But I don't wanna think about it out like. We don't wanna think about it like that.

Maybe we don't have to.

I guess.

I doubt she'll be back, anyhow.

... Maybe I should just try to forget it even happened.

Might not be a good idea.

I know this guy at the Facility who did that and... it didn't end so well for him.

... What happened to him?

They stuck him in a mental hospital.

[a beat]

And then he uh... got stuck in Silent Hill.

... Stuck in Silent Hill?

Who was it?

They.... killed Sollux? [ It might not have even BEEN his Sollux, but if it's from this place... it might have been the one who had been his good friend. There's a chance. ]

Yeah.

[a pause, and she stares hard at a freckle on the back of her hand]

I just woke up one morning and he was dead.

[It crushes her just to talk about, but pretending it doesn't almost makes it easier]

You knew him?

We used to be there a long while ago and Sollux watched out for us. He was our friend... a good friend.

[Heather nods slightly, and a tiny sad smile crosses her lips]

He was a good guy, huh? He always cared more about everybody else than himself.

on her boyfriend's termination

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accidentally responded to this as Anne originally haha

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