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[imusntrunaway]

I don't care.

...

It doesn't matter where I go. Here, there. It's all the same. I'll be used by others and I'll hurt others. It doesn't matter if Asuka or Kaworu will be there. I'll hurt them, too. That's all... that's all I do.

Why do you bother asking? You don't care about me. It's already done. And I deserve this.

Comments

[the17th]

[I KNOW, HE REALLY SUCKS AT THIS GAME...]

I don't understand you, either. I could say you're cruel as well, Shinji. But what does that matter?

I guess I stopped understanding myself, anyway... Being around you hurts me, but I starve for your company. I never knew something so mundane could be so stressful. It's no wonder humans are so miserable.

I resent this vessel.

[imusntrunaway]

... do you resent us, then?

[the17th]

Humans—?

I'm quite fond of them. They're so interesting. I feel like I'm always learning something new, but no one likes it. That is to say, they don't like me.

So maybe I do resent them a little bit for that reason. But that's nothing unusual.

[imusntrunaway]

[Shinji falls silent again. Then, plaintively:]

Is that how you feel about me as well? As... interesting?

[the17th]

...No, not just that. You're more than other people. You're the most important.

That's why I feel terrible inside.

[imusntrunaway]

I didn't think that... [a slight hesitance,] your kind could have feelings like that.

[the17th]

...We don't, normally. Not negative feelings.

I am the scion of Adam, whose soul resides within me. My body is that of the angel Tabris, but my identity is Kaworu Nagisa.

I stood for the mission of human instrumentality. And I betrayed that cause, because of my human identity. The way I chose to die was evident of that.

Because of my feelings, I have free will; like a human, I have individuality. At least, this is how I've come to understand it. And...born from individuality is suffering, which we sought to eliminate from all humans.

[staring it in the face like this makes Kaworu feel pretty terribly sickened with himself; he hasn't analyzed it, because he hadn't had the time to do so. you know, dying on top of an already very brief life and everything.]

[imusntrunaway]

... that's sad.

[He doesn't know what else to say. Kaworu is the one who's eloquent, not Shinji. It's a miracle that he can string together a coherent sentence that isn't buried beneath some sort of self-loathing. He still doesn't know if he understands the Angel fully--he never will. But the explanation makes him a little more understandable. Relatable. Safer to be around.]

[the17th]

From what I can gather, living is just that way, it seems. But it doesn't matter, now.

[Kaworu's expression shifts to something more mischievous, watching Shinji out the corner of his eyes. his tone of voice is teasing, but he's probably not lying.]

I'll just find some version of you and I'll make him love me. That will end most of my misery.