Mun is considering either route_29 or havenrpg

[benscrewsup]

Damn it, won't you just listen for once?! I'm not going!

I'm a fuck up, okay?! As long as Clementine or Lee or anyone is around, I'm going to mess up somehow and then ruin everything. I tried to stop, but trying isn't good enough when there's a walker ready to eat someone any time I do something stupid!

[His hands curl into fists and he stares at the ground, clenching his teeth.] You... it's all just a game to you. We both know that. But it's not a game to me. I don't want to go to Haven because I know I'll somehow screw up and hurt them, so Clementine is safer with just Lee. They're both safer. I don't want to go to Route because out of anyone, I'm the last person who deserves to go to some cheerful place where no one dies and you never have to worry about walkers. It's not fair for me to be safe when they're still in trouble. It's not fair and I don't deserve it.

Maybe none of that makes a difference for you, but it definitely does for me. I'm not going anywhere.

Comments

[walkietalkie]

Lee's not coming for a while. [ :C

But more importantly! ] Also, you shouldn't be mad at yourself, okay?

[benscrewsup]

[Ben freezes up.

Wait. Shit.

No one was supposed to hear that besides his mun, least of all Clementine.]

Uh... [Okay, how to explain this to a little girl?] You, uh... I-I'm sorry, you weren't supposed to hear that.

[He's going to try to evade the 'you shouldn't be mad at yourself' bit, so instead, have a] Lee's not coming? You're still alone?

[walkietalkie]

I'm sorry. I promise I wasn't spying...

[ But Ben asked a question, didn't he? ]

He is, just not for a while. [ By 'a while', more like 'a month, but'. ]

[benscrewsup]

No, no, I didn't think you were.

[Ben frowns, crossing his arms. If Lee isn't there to help Clementine, then...]

Is... is there anyone taking care of you? I mean, doing it well, like without fire pokers involved?

[walkietalkie]

Um... [ That depends on how you define 'taking care of'. ] Some of the really nice people make sure I'm not hungry.

[benscrewsup]

That's great! But I mean, does anyone do what Lee usually does for you? Like, you know, check in with you, make sure you're safe, stuff like that?

[walkietalkie]

Not when things are happy, but if things are dangerous, yeah. [ Which is good enough for her, she'd say. ]

[notherdad]

Right now, I can't be there for Clem. You wanna face up to your mistakes? Then learn from 'em. What's the use in beating yourself up for what's happened? Either wallow in your own self pity, or get up and try again.

[Surprisingly, there's no anger in his voice. It sounds more like fatherly advice.]

[benscrewsup]

[Shit. Ben didn't mean for anyone else to hear that besides his mun.

He flinches in preparation, but then relaxes when Lee's voice stays gentle and not shouting. His shoulders slump and he stares at the ground. He might as well be frank with Lee, since the man's already seen him ask for death.]

I... I tried. But every time I do, I end up screwing up something else. Even after the bell tower, I... I mean, just the way I... [His hands go to his stomach where he remembers seeing the bar impaling him.] Even then, I ended up taking Kenny with me. I don't want to sit around just beating myself up and being useless, but any time I do something else, it feels like it ends up with someone dead.

[And Kenny's words still hover in his head: 'Lee should have left you in Crawford.' He can't help but wonder if Kenny was right.]

[keepsthemsafe]

...You really feel like that? [It's hard to keep the disgust out of his voice]

[benscrewsup]

[Go ahead and be disgusted with him. Ben's beyond caring what strangers think.

Speaking of, he crosses his eyes and gives the mystery man a dirty look.] So what if I do? It's none of your business. [He didn't mean for anyone but his mun to hear it, and this guy doesn't know him or the things he's done. So he might seem a little hostile right now.]

[keepsthemsafe]

[Shane gets hostile] a man ain't no use if he's not willing to fight in any capacity.

[benscrewsup]

[He almost says 'I'm not a man', but he bites that back. There's no room for teenagers in this world anymore.] I never said I wouldn't fight! I'm just not good at it.

[No, he doesn't immediately get any double meaning there may be there.]

[keepsthemsafe]

...So you get good.

Kid, you get good shit I'll teach you.

[benscrewsup]

You'd--

[Suddenly, the hostility is gone. The kid instead looks a little bewildered, and perhaps a little hopeful.] You'd teach some kid you don't know how to fight? Why?

[keepsthemsafe]

[for terrible reasons. Wrong reasons]

You're saying you wanna learn right?

[benscrewsup]

[Uh oh. Too bad Ben's a sucky judge of character.]

Well... yeah. I want to be useful. I owe everything to my group.

[keepsthemsafe]

..You're goin' to Haven right?

[he frowns] what group.

[benscrewsup]

I... maybe. My mun is still deciding whether I'd be more fun to play in a dangerous setting or a setting she's never seen me in before. It's all just a game to her.

My group of survivors. I was on my way to the playoffs at my school when the walkers started getting up, so I holed up with everyone else in the gymnasium for a while before bandits showed up. A different group found me after everyone else was dead or dying, and I've been with them ever since. [Yeah, he still forgets that there are people who aren't in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, so he says all that like it's a given that there's context. Luckily, there actually is context in this case.]

[keepsthemsafe]

...I get you. You play sports? [He is betting no, but still]

[benscrewsup]

Uh... not really. I was part of the band.

[On the plus side, he can play a mean trumpet.]

[keepsthemsafe]

..Hey that's okay. [He doesn't RESPECT that but he respects getting involved and the band - shit the band played for the cheerleaders] Least you got involved. That's important.

Look, you come and I'll keep an eye on you kid.

[this is not something you want Ben]

[willrememberthis]

Ben?

[You know that outburst he had in front of Kenny after what happened with the boat?

She didn't see that. This is the first one like this she's seen out of him. And while she wouldn't want to be pushy, well... she's extra-unsettled and worried, and it seems to her that talking a little is necessary.]

...Don't think things like that. Please?

[benscrewsup]

[Shit. More than one Clementine saw this.

Ben looks at the ground, crossing his arms over his chest. He doesn't know what to say. How do you explain things like that to a little girl?]

...I'm sorry, Clementine. I didn't mean for you to hear that.

[Before all this, he would have lied and said he would stop. Yet he has too much respect for Clementine to lie to her, and he can't just make the hate he has for himself go away.]

[willrememberthis]

If I hadn't heard it, you still would have thought it.

[Maybe he won't lie about it. But if it was appropriate for him to apologize for anything, letting her hear that was the wrong one.]

[benscrewsup]

...Yeah. Yeah, I would.

[He keeps his eyes downcast. He tries to summon memories of his sister to help deal with this, and that hurts his heart more, but at least it gives him something to work with.]

I... still haven't forgiven myself for... you know, everything that's happened. [And hopefully, he can change the topic with a] Y-you're the Clementine in that place with the Pokemon, right? A-are you okay there?

[willrememberthis]

[Nod.] Mhm. There's been a bad snowstorm... but it's safe, a lot like things were before. And people are really friendly.

I'd like it if you were there, too.

[That's gentle not-letting-every-bit-of-it-drop. He's hurt and sad, and if he really doesn't want to delve into it any more, fine - maybe if he did, it'd risk making things worse. But she hopes it counts for something to try to ensure he knows he isn't unwanted. At least not by her.]

[benscrewsup]

Before? Like before the walkers showed up? [Feels so long ago now.

Well, she's right--not being unwanted definitely means something, especially after everything that's happened. A part of him really wants to go with her, to go to a place where there aren't walkers and he won't have to worry about getting people killed. At the same time, he hates himself too much to actively seek something like that out, at least not without some kind of reason to feel useful. Speaking of...] Is there anyone taking care of you? You know, making sure you're safe and you have everything you need?