voicetestingggggg god help me. aiming for next cycle.

[satana]

Are you forizzle right now? Oh, no, no no no.

Look, I don't care whatever deprived childhood you had to roll around in, cuz if we're getting up into the compare and contrast contest, oh, honey, am I ever going to win, and have I got the stories to prove it. You could crack out some junk about dirty hobo uncles stickin' things where they don't belong or dragon fighting or whatever and it still ain't gonna be a good enough reason for you tossing this lady to the dogs.

You hearin' me, muchacha? Because mama doesn't care who's got the puppet strings so long as she's got the scissors. And I don't do horror flicks. Sure don't do spaceships.

Especially don't share headspaces with dudes who smell like they've been rolling in llama yarf. Lemme out. This is not happening.

Comments

[satana]

Uh huh. Either this shit's gettin' bedazzled or it's getting its sweet ass the hell out of Dodge. I ain'ts nobody's plaything.

You know. Unless it's the naked kind.

[mohawks]

You gotta give the bedazzling shit a rest. Didn't that shit go out when we were in middle school?

Though you are especially good at the naked kind.

[satana]

And didn't mohawks go out when, like, you were just a little spermling? I think I win.

Tell me something I don't know. You're just luckily you've got a few moves up your own sleeve.

[mohawks]

I'm so badass I make this mohawk look good. Those rules definitely don't count.

I got more than a few.

[satana]

No, you make it look like you're not an over-sized Jew fetus like when you don't have it. That is its one benefit.

Okay. Given. The question being how many of those did you lose when you were riding Shamu?

[mohawks]

Look, we don't talk about the time it was gone, okay? That is off limits, Lopez.

None. That's how many.

[satana]

They're gonna write about it in history books one day. When Stella got her buzz back.

Yeah. Coming from the source. It must've been like humping a pillow.

[mohawks]

Hey, I am hot with or without the mohawk. You can't stop this badassness.

[ SANTANA (FUU) ]

Look, step off. She had moves, I had moves. I had no complaints.

[satana]

With, sure. I mean, I have hit it. Without, I have a feeling it'd be like doing a hairless chihuahua.

[ DISH OUT WHAT YOU CAN TAKE, BRAH ]

Was it because you were being smothered by flabby ta-tas at the time?

[mohawks]

Keep talking, Lopez. You're wrong. You know it, I know it. We all know it.

[ A WHOLE CONVERSATION OF INSULTS. HOW DID THEY EVER COMMUNICATE... ]

No one can compete with that rack. End of story.

[satana]

Do we all? [ She's just gonna reach up and rub her fingers through it, nose wrinkled. ] Ten out of nine pollers agree: You don't got the fuzz, you don't get the fuzz. So, yeah, the 'hawk stays.

[ very... tsunderely........ ]

Okay, I'll concede. That's given the case that you can FIND it, but I'll concede.

[mohawks]

Well, you can rest easy. It's not going anywhere. [ he ducks his head, accomadating. it's santana. she's a bro; allowances are made. ]

When have I ever had trouble finding a great rack. I'm like a homing device for that shit.

[satana]

Good. Let's skip out on rolling around in dog kennels or however you got 'em last time. [ This is a good thing. Skritching the fuzzy is a privilege. ]

"Major league boobdar". You should put that on your next job application, you know.

[mohawks]

Lopez, I woo my women. With songs. [ or whatever. there's skritching, he can't really be bothered to make a real argument here. ]

I totally tried listing that under job skills when Finn and I got that job with Will's wife. She still made me sweep the backroom instead, it was so lame.

[satana]

Oh, ew. [ Hands are up now, in surrender. ] If you're gonna get all Bruno Mars on me, this conversation's over.

You actually had to work at work. You poor creature. Besides, you're supposed to give her that kind of resume with your shirt off.

[mohawks]

[ but the skritching 8c ] Like I'd go Bruno Mars on you. You're not the type.

[ santana's too badass to get won over with a couple songs and a sweet smile. ]

Nah, she was Mr. Schue's wife. And all pregnant and shit. It would have been a complete break in the bro-code.

[satana]

[ nuh uh, you gotta earn it. ] And my type is?

[ maybe some choice tunes complete with a strip tease. after the expensive dinner, anyway. ]

So finally Noah Puckerman has a line drawn somewhere. And it's just before the fetus-inclined. [ Santana smirks, eyebrows raised. ] And here I thought you had no limits.

[mohawks]

[ gosh santana so much work ] Good-looking Jews, obviously.

[ because saying "hot blonde cheerleaders" might piss her off. ]

Hey, I'm not going to get with some pregnant chick. That's just bad karma.

[ look at his life, look at his choices etc. ]

[satana]

[ obvs, man ] Only on my slumming days.

[ she doesn't like talking about what she's after on the better days, though. good call. ]

You know you can't actually poke the baby's eye out with it. In case you were seriously worried about it.

[ oh yeah, that's taboo or something with you, isn't it, on some plane of existence that she's currently bypassing ]

[mohawks]

Bullshit, I was clearly the high point.

[ because obviously he wins the male category hands down. ]

I know I won't poke the kid's eye out. I'm just saying, pregnant girls aren't my thing.

[satana]

Um. It's Lima. That's like saying you won the Special Olympics.

[ which she's sort of conceding to in that backhanded compliment kind of way. ]

Oh, cool, so you have cracked a bio book. I'm just saying, you oughta tighten those standards just a tiny bit more.

[mohawks]

Pft. My hotness goes above and beyond Lima. This defies category.

[ he totally knows it. no way are finn and trouty mouth better than him. ]

How tight are we talking? Because hey, if I cinch them in too much I start missing out on opportunities.

[satana]

I know. You and I are, like, practically living examples of a) there being a God, and b) he's got some serious organization issues.

[ finn was like trying to tango with a braindead fish and just as floppy. she doesn't even want to think about that mouth. she had nightmares about it eating her face. ]

Alright, let's start at the top: Do you even have standards? Or is there just a short list, on which the remaining criteria is "must have a pulse"?

[mohawks]

If there were any justice in the world, we'd be somewhere way more exciting with way hotter people.

[ uh excuse you santana he has standards!!! kind of. ]

They're less standards than they are like, guidelines and shit. It gives me room for improvisation.

[satana]

We gotta do something about that. I mean, what're we gonna do? Sit in the gutter with some weirdo Japanese guys with swords bigger than small children? Or psychologically damaged guys in capes? Or whatever else people who play things like this have in their heads? Uh uh. We gots to get in on this action.

[ so long as it has a vagina and is rearing and ready to go?? ]

It's called your dick's spent so long in 40-year-old super-tanned moms who haven't done anything but sip bahama mamas all day that it probably doesn't know what it's DOING. You're out of practice, Puckerman.