dear_mun | au!winter soldier

It is.

[her hand hesitated and then rested on his.]

You make your own choices, live freely.

As freely as SHIELD allows.

[ He takes another drink, but. But.

His fingers curl, catching the edge of hers. So delicate, and just as stained with blood as his own. Even now it's hard to say if she really believes what she's saying or if she's just that desperate to convince him.

He can't blame her. One day SHIELD will come after him. Maybe send her, the one with the most knowledge of the Red Room and its operatives. That day, neither of them can afford to hesitate.

He doesn't look forward to it any more than she. ]

It doesn't have to be SHIELD, it doesn't have to be anything.

[And there is desperation, not so much that even a God could have noted, but he could. Because as much as he isn't James, he is still Winter Soldier. He knew her too well to mistake it.

Her hand is warm and smooth, deceptively small and soft on his. But that hand had killed, had destroyed lives even without death. She was, after all, the pride of Red Rooms achievements.

That was when the next natural conclusion came to her, one she'd been too blindsided to see before.]

I should have guessed they would send you. It would be only natural for either of us to be sent after the other.

When it comes time, I'm sure they will.

[ Because she's a chink in what is otherwise unyielding armor. Even if he can push past it, and he can, the feeling will remain. It can grow into something dangerous.

Chances are they'll wipe it from him when she's gone. That's some comfort. ]

But tonight's not that night.

I...don't want that. I don't want to live with knowing that I killed you or die knowing it was at your hand.

[That couldn't have been... a tremble? Just the tiniest of vibration in her hand before she pulled back.]

No, tonight is the prelude to the agony. Like cold nights when we trained and there was nothing but each other to stay warm. Happiness at the time but then, later when you were dragged away from me... that was the torture, the coldest I've felt in my life.

Natalia...

[ She never speaks this way. This raw, open confession, exposing a clear weakness...is it a ploy? She knows these things won't stop him, nothing can. He has to have a heart for her to be able to break it, and he thinks they carved that out of him long, ageless winters ago.

How that young girl found her way into that hollow space left behind, he'll never know. ]

Everything ends. Even us.

Things ended because I was weak and foolish.

[She'd also been young and in love for the first, perhaps only time in her life. For him that was exactly how it had happened and now she was starting to see that it wasn't James or Steve that made the difference, the program had made them all into puppets and each had played their parts. She would have given her heart to Winter Soldier, regardless of who he was. The thought made her feel ill, she had thought there was a truth to them. Now she could only wonder if she had been far more successful a product of Red Room than anyone ever imagined, had she seduced herself into believing she was in love? Was there a chance it had been real?

Maybe there was, maybe....too many maybes. She simply nodded in reply.]

Of course. We know better than most how ends come to everything. This should be no different.

You are different. You always were.

[ It's as close to admission as he feels he can come, but then words are cheap. Words are for lies, for weaving stories, they form the backbone of an operative's arsenal. They've been trained to pour themselves into the molds set for them, until even they might believe to a point who they were pretending to be.

But this -- them -- was never supposed to happen. Their punishment made that abundantly clear.

He can see the vulnerability there, and wonders if SHIELD brought it out of her. The tumbler is set down next to the vodka, abandoned like a piece of the game that's no longer required. ]

If it were anyone...

I was trained by the best.

[No small bit of irony in the statement, or the bittersweet smile that delivered it. He had trained her, at least for some time. This she did recall clearly, training to infiltrate and fight against the man in the American suit. History was blurring for her, but memory was just another form of deception.]

I was given to Alexi, you were taken away. We each reaped our reward for disobedience.

If. That word is meaningless nostalgia. We were lovers, we had something more than what the program allowed. Tell me I'm wrong, tell me you did not feel something more back then.

You know I can. We have history. I trained you, you surpassed my expectations, and we found comfort from the cold winters with each other because we were alone. Nothing more.

[ The hardness in his gaze doesn't relent, sharpening to an edge. A step advances him towards her, closes off the distance, and those fierce eyes of hers still don't quite fit that young face. His hand lifts, slow, giving her time to react before metal sheathed in synthetic skin grazes her cheek. ]

I could just as easily say what you want to hear, Natalia. That they punished us because we found freedom. We loved each other in spite of them, or maybe to spite them, and found something more.

Which would be the lie? Can you honestly say?

[After so much time, how could those words still hurt her? How could a touch she knew so well hit her like a gut punch and all but drive the breath from her.]

Then that is all I can ask of you, the truth as you see it. I have done this far too long to think that there is only one truth, there are as many sides as people involved.

[Why was she leaving herself open and vulnerable like this? He could move more quickly than most, possibly more quickly than she could. If he chose, those steely fingers could clutch her throat as easily as they touched her cheek. She knew this and yet she stood her ground, it was no longer that there was faith he wouldn't end her, but if he did maybe there was some poetic justice in destroying his own creation.]

I'll stick with my truth, I know what I felt, what I feel. I'm not cold anymore.

[ She's not the only one thinking it. It's entirely cruel how appropriate it would be, either dying at the other's hands. But he spoke the truth; he isn't here to harm her. He wanted to see her, the one face he can honestly say he's glad to see. An encapsulation of stolen, happy moments in a life that doesn't require them.

Anyone else bearing their heart like this would pay for it dearly, and swiftly. Instead he closes the distance between them and pulls her into his arms, letting the warmth of her sink in. There's a sag to his shoulders, instinctive tension relaxing as his head rests against hers.

Of course she isn't cold now. She's with them, walking in the sunlight. He's not entirely sure it suits her, but it was her choice to make. ]

[She doesn't fight it, she moves with the pull and though the body is different with planes and angles, the feeling is the same. There was a depth to the connection that could not be shared with someone who had not lived what they had. All of that seeped into the embrace, years of contact missed, decades of yearning for something that was not supposed to be wanted and never needed. Two people who were complete and whole and strong on their own that somehow managed to complete each other when together.

But it would be fleeting, as it always was,he would realize what he was allowing, what weakness he exposed in himself by this. He would be the stronger one and walk away. Stronger, smarter, faster... he was all he had been made to be, just as she was a product of a very specific design.

She had leaned to him, letting the warmth be shared, but she was not a passive woman for long. Her arms circled him for a tight hold, to let them both know this was indeed real and solid. Only after she was satisfied with that could she pull back and let her fingers traces the strong line of his jaw, his cheek, slide back into that silk of pale hair...]

Stay.

[One word, simple and yet the most complex question in it.]

[ He remains quiet as her fingers trace his face, thoughts racing. Calculating. They will look for him. He's their best asset, of course they'll come looking for him. They will come and find him in the heart of all that Natalia has built up around her and called home, all these years, and they will burn it to the ground. He will let them. He might even kill a few of her new allies himself.

It's enough of an incentive to consider to request on its own, but it deviates from the mission. There's been no such order, and he doesn't act without them anymore. Not generally. He hasn't had to go into cold storage for a long while now, and he doesn't want to do anything to earn a trip back there.

A very small, still human part of him wants to stay simply because she asked it of him. ]

I'm not you. They won't trust me, and they'd be right not to.

[Her touch was soft, skin that had not calloused or worn with time, still glided like a feather over his. His eyes were not on her though, she could see past them and know that his mind was busy away from the distracting pleasure of closeness.]

Look at me.

[Now she demanded his attention, sharp green of her eyes focused completely on the soft blue of his. How often had that beguiling shade turned to steel when he killed? So easy to drawn in the warmth she saw there...warmth? There was feeling, no matter how he tried to deny it. If there was feeling there was hope no matter the depth of programming or how through the brainwashing.]

Don't think of the program, or Red Room, or me...don't think of anything but you, and tell me; with no obstacles, no impediments, what do you want?

[ A mission. A purpose. He can't survive without one, it's ingrained too deeply. If not the Red Room, then someone. Captains can decide their own fate, but soldiers need orders.

For a moment there is doubt in his eyes, and he knows the very second it shines through. He knows he cannot hide it from her, and his hold on her tightens. ]

You.

[ Because there's nothing else in the world he's let himself want for selfish reasons. He isn't particularly interested in freedom, in a normal life or another line of work. He doesn't regret or feel guilt. So what else is there? ]

[What was she expecting? He might suddenly want to embrace the American way? That he might leap at the chance to return to being that symbol of right and good? Natalia didn't know if she expected anything at all, but the answer was possibly the one thing that could shock her.

You. As he said it his hold on her tightened, in the way a child clings to a stuffed toy in a storm, or the way a religious man might grip his bible when faced with true evil. It was a hold to reinforce oneself, to add strength and turn a weakness into something much more powerful.

This isn't the place for you right now. People would need time to trust you, we would expect nothing less, would we?

I have places, safe houses, they are mine alone. You don't have to stay...but I want you to. The choice has to be yours.

[She could help, could give him the purpose and direction he needed, without that he would go insane. But he had to make the choice first, without that nothing she could do would ever change things.]

You know what the risk would be, and you still...

[ Something approaching incredulity creeps into his smile, and he shakes his head slowly. ]

I didn't teach you to be this reckless.

[ It's not a yes yet. But he's considering it. After all he's here, not there. He might be able to go without notice for a time, and find explanation and answers along the way.

He doesn't stop to consider why it is he's even giving it this chance, but maybe he already knows, deep down. ]

You taught me to run the assessment, see what was worth the risk. I don't have them giving me missions anymore, so I give them to myself.

[And it's worth the risk, worth the chance to see if anything of that man remains. She owed it to the world, more over she owed it to him.]

It is a calculated risk, I don't expose you to SHIELD or Avengers surveillance thereby limiting my own danger. I keep you away from them to protect them as well. As I see it, the only one with their neck on the block here is me. We both know which of us would be considered expendable to both sides now.

[A thumb grazed of the line of his jaw, she almost smiled, almost.]

You trained me to chose the risks to take, I'm choosing this. All I'm asking from you, is a little time and a chance to be outside everything for a little while. Get prospective.

[ He has to trust her for this to work, and if there's a trickier thing in the world than love, it's trust. You can love someone with all your heart and know that at the first opportunity, they'll stab you in the back. It's a failing of human nature, one he'd like to think he's above.

Yet he thinks he might believe her. She's been compromised by this new team and their code of ethics. She's not the same person anymore, but she's no stranger...and she knows full well what betrayal will bring.

There's a faint nod as she touches him. Conceding at last. ]

It's not as if they'll know, in a place like this. Maybe...

[Trust is a precarious thing, it is dangerous and deceitful. Her training was specifically in gaining such trusts only to later betray them. He is right to be skeptical, and she doesn't fault him at all for it.

But she allows him to make the choice, no pleading or begging, no attempts to sway him. He has to do this his way.

His nod is met with one of her own, a tiny smile all the betrayed the jubilation inside. The spark of it might reach her eyes, he would know, that was harder to fake than emotion.]

You can disappear for a time. As I said, these are places known only to me. You always trained me, well I knew before you had to, even rats know when to go to ground and find shelter. You will be safe there.

Safe.

[ Mirthless humor fills his eyes as he shakes his head again. It'd be foolish to think so. Calculated risk, mm? Maybe it can be afforded. He has missed her terribly, since their forced separation. If she wants him to stay, he can think of a few compelling reasons to. ]

I know you have your new teammates, Natalia. Your mission. I don't expect you to babysit me, but I don't do well left in a box to wait.

Safe in terms of people like us.

[There were limits to what the word safe meant for any of them. But he had agreed, that was reason enough for her to try to make things work. At least given him a taste of freedom.]

I also have the ability to be on reserve at my choosing. They won't ask questions and if they do there is someone who will have my back.

[She would need to contact Clint to run interference for her.]

...and if nothing changes?

[ It's a distinct possibility she won't feel as glad to have him there if she's hoping he'll change, or discover something new about himself with this new taste of freedom. He's a killer. That's all he exists to do, all he can ever remember doing...what business does he have in the world without some sort of anchor or guide? ]

Then nothing changes. You are too strong for me to force that on you, and I wouldn't. Not after everything you've been through.

[She would have to deal with that when and if the time came. For the moment there was some sort of hope. Hope that something would spark in him but she wasn't so foolish as to under estimate the degree to which they would have had to work to break him. He hadn't just been altered, he'd been remade.]

If you were given orders to eliminate me, that would cause some issues. All I'm asking is time, Steve, just time.

au!winter soldier

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