dear_mun | au!winter soldier

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au!winter soldier

Of course I'm laughing.

Look at you. You don't even know what to do with me, now that you have me.

Oh, you know what I'm good for. But that's not what you're after. I can see it. There's no mission here, no information. You just cut my tether to see what I'd do with freedom.

The thing is, there's always someone willing to pay for what I do.

Mm. You're disappointed, now. Well that's boring.

Tell you what, if I'm going to be here for a while, you might as well let Natalia know she can stop hiding. I could use some decent company.

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[Her touch was soft, skin that had not calloused or worn with time, still glided like a feather over his. His eyes were not on her though, she could see past them and know that his mind was busy away from the distracting pleasure of closeness.]

Look at me.

[Now she demanded his attention, sharp green of her eyes focused completely on the soft blue of his. How often had that beguiling shade turned to steel when he killed? So easy to drawn in the warmth she saw there...warmth? There was feeling, no matter how he tried to deny it. If there was feeling there was hope no matter the depth of programming or how through the brainwashing.]

Don't think of the program, or Red Room, or me...don't think of anything but you, and tell me; with no obstacles, no impediments, what do you want?

[ A mission. A purpose. He can't survive without one, it's ingrained too deeply. If not the Red Room, then someone. Captains can decide their own fate, but soldiers need orders.

For a moment there is doubt in his eyes, and he knows the very second it shines through. He knows he cannot hide it from her, and his hold on her tightens. ]

You.

[ Because there's nothing else in the world he's let himself want for selfish reasons. He isn't particularly interested in freedom, in a normal life or another line of work. He doesn't regret or feel guilt. So what else is there? ]

[What was she expecting? He might suddenly want to embrace the American way? That he might leap at the chance to return to being that symbol of right and good? Natalia didn't know if she expected anything at all, but the answer was possibly the one thing that could shock her.

You. As he said it his hold on her tightened, in the way a child clings to a stuffed toy in a storm, or the way a religious man might grip his bible when faced with true evil. It was a hold to reinforce oneself, to add strength and turn a weakness into something much more powerful.

This isn't the place for you right now. People would need time to trust you, we would expect nothing less, would we?

I have places, safe houses, they are mine alone. You don't have to stay...but I want you to. The choice has to be yours.

[She could help, could give him the purpose and direction he needed, without that he would go insane. But he had to make the choice first, without that nothing she could do would ever change things.]

You know what the risk would be, and you still...

[ Something approaching incredulity creeps into his smile, and he shakes his head slowly. ]

I didn't teach you to be this reckless.

[ It's not a yes yet. But he's considering it. After all he's here, not there. He might be able to go without notice for a time, and find explanation and answers along the way.

He doesn't stop to consider why it is he's even giving it this chance, but maybe he already knows, deep down. ]

You taught me to run the assessment, see what was worth the risk. I don't have them giving me missions anymore, so I give them to myself.

[And it's worth the risk, worth the chance to see if anything of that man remains. She owed it to the world, more over she owed it to him.]

It is a calculated risk, I don't expose you to SHIELD or Avengers surveillance thereby limiting my own danger. I keep you away from them to protect them as well. As I see it, the only one with their neck on the block here is me. We both know which of us would be considered expendable to both sides now.

[A thumb grazed of the line of his jaw, she almost smiled, almost.]

You trained me to chose the risks to take, I'm choosing this. All I'm asking from you, is a little time and a chance to be outside everything for a little while. Get prospective.

[ He has to trust her for this to work, and if there's a trickier thing in the world than love, it's trust. You can love someone with all your heart and know that at the first opportunity, they'll stab you in the back. It's a failing of human nature, one he'd like to think he's above.

Yet he thinks he might believe her. She's been compromised by this new team and their code of ethics. She's not the same person anymore, but she's no stranger...and she knows full well what betrayal will bring.

There's a faint nod as she touches him. Conceding at last. ]

It's not as if they'll know, in a place like this. Maybe...

[Trust is a precarious thing, it is dangerous and deceitful. Her training was specifically in gaining such trusts only to later betray them. He is right to be skeptical, and she doesn't fault him at all for it.

But she allows him to make the choice, no pleading or begging, no attempts to sway him. He has to do this his way.

His nod is met with one of her own, a tiny smile all the betrayed the jubilation inside. The spark of it might reach her eyes, he would know, that was harder to fake than emotion.]

You can disappear for a time. As I said, these are places known only to me. You always trained me, well I knew before you had to, even rats know when to go to ground and find shelter. You will be safe there.

Safe.

[ Mirthless humor fills his eyes as he shakes his head again. It'd be foolish to think so. Calculated risk, mm? Maybe it can be afforded. He has missed her terribly, since their forced separation. If she wants him to stay, he can think of a few compelling reasons to. ]

I know you have your new teammates, Natalia. Your mission. I don't expect you to babysit me, but I don't do well left in a box to wait.

Safe in terms of people like us.

[There were limits to what the word safe meant for any of them. But he had agreed, that was reason enough for her to try to make things work. At least given him a taste of freedom.]

I also have the ability to be on reserve at my choosing. They won't ask questions and if they do there is someone who will have my back.

[She would need to contact Clint to run interference for her.]

...and if nothing changes?

[ It's a distinct possibility she won't feel as glad to have him there if she's hoping he'll change, or discover something new about himself with this new taste of freedom. He's a killer. That's all he exists to do, all he can ever remember doing...what business does he have in the world without some sort of anchor or guide? ]

Then nothing changes. You are too strong for me to force that on you, and I wouldn't. Not after everything you've been through.

[She would have to deal with that when and if the time came. For the moment there was some sort of hope. Hope that something would spark in him but she wasn't so foolish as to under estimate the degree to which they would have had to work to break him. He hadn't just been altered, he'd been remade.]

If you were given orders to eliminate me, that would cause some issues. All I'm asking is time, Steve, just time.

...then I will come with you. For now.

[ He can't make any promises regarding her new allies, or whatever orders he might receive in the meanwhile. But it's someplace to retreat, to go to ground as she put it. Paranoia will never stop him from wondering if this is all some elaborate trap, yet he is still willing to risk it.

His hand finds her cheek again, cupping it gently. That trace of amusement returns to his eyes, warming them faintly. ]

Do you ever stop being the exception to my rules, I wonder?

I'll try to not let it go to my head.

[She smirked quickly but it faded as the joke was lost to his touch. Even that was strangely familiar. The sense he knew just how to so it, the sort of ease born only of intimacy. This was real, just not the reality she knew, or Red Room had more thoroughly scrambled her brain that she ever guessed.]

The moment I become a threat.

A calculated risk.

[ He corrects her with something approaching a genuine smile, before leaning closer. The kiss is fleeting for all its warmth, very nearly chaste...but it has been some time for the two of them, and it's more for the meaning of the gesture than any sort of indulgence. It's still not really time for that.

Soon, perhaps, but not now. ]

[That contact sent a jolt shuddering through her. There may have been times in working with Steve Rogers, that Natasha indulged in fantasy. He was well built, athletic, had amazing stamina but he was too good for someone like her. Oh his hands had stained with blood, but always for a cause, a reason. He was a hero and she....well her reasons were rarely ever quite so lofty or noble.

She had imagined his lips would be soft, the press would be ginger and sweet. That he would taste the way a summer breeze washes over grain fields, or sunlight dances on water. She always thought he would be unable to involve himself physically with her without tainting himself somehow. Silly ideas born of the same of her past.

She had envisioned it, and this brief taste of his lips nearly sent her to her knees. Brief, yes. Undemanding, yes. But without potency? Not a chance in Hell.

She steadied herself when he pulled back, shock plainly written on her features. It took her a full twelve seconds before she was composed again, an eternity for someone of her skill. So much for fantasy, she had failed all these times to figure in one simple dynamic that changed everything... the idea he might desire her as much as she had him.]

We should go, I have transportation but I'd suggest you keep your head down all the same. No need to raise questions before necessary.

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au!winter soldier

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