dear_mun | (no subject)

Okay. No, okay, I can work with this. Whatever you've got planned when you actually plan it, I mean, which could take — what? How long? Whatever, all I want right now is a cheeseburger and for you to cool your jets just enough not to give yourself a migraine because you're as excitable as JARVIS with a new firewall to hack and I'm hungry, which is obviously the more important theme that we need to deal with. Look, I'm here. I'll take care of stuff. Check this out, right now, I'm leveling with you.

Relax, skippy.

You are so lucky to have me. I'm basically your Pepper, only more rugged and less inclined to ... wear booty short-shorts. Scrap that. Who am I kidding? You can't handle imagery of me in trunks, no one can. Although it's true hers get a lot tighter around the. General rear area. Yeah, this got derailed so fast and I'm not even sorry, can I get a sign saying I tap that?

Where can a guy in metaland get his caffeine in-take around here? First one to pony up gets a blueberry.

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This is you without caffeine?

No.

[Steve doesn't even try to fight back his grin. Somehow he manages not to laugh while he listens to his mundane's comments about that pic she found of Tony in those short-shorts. Or a version of Tony wearing them...]

I don't think you can be your mundane's Pepper when you need Miss Potts to keep your life running smoothly.

[Perched high above your head, Stark. And is that a coffee mug in his hand?]

You know, just for that disturbing mental image, I don't think I'm going to share. Jesus Stark, I have enough problems with Psych without you adding to it. [Here, have a traumatized shudder, just for effect.]

Thanks, Tony. I really needed that mental image with my lunch.

That was like watching a car crash in slow motion.

Moderately slow.

[He nods his head at the pot of coffee he just made. It's decaf.]

There's some coffee right here. Help yourself.

Yeah, I'm only four-hundred percent. Don't worry your cotton socks, Cap.

Pepper, I would never demean everything you have come to mean and all the things you have done for me over the years but, realistically speaking, I think I am dying. I need an espresso shot. Please? If I let you share it after I've tasted it, will you say yes?

I love you. That works, right?

I could do it, what's the problem? Tossing her some food and being an alarm clock whenever anything fun goes down. That's the difference, you see, you don't have faith in me.

Blueberry? Don't play coy, Legolas.

You are welcome. Stop thinking of the glittery spandex kind, our love works best from a distance and there's a reason I never harnessed my mojo as Iron Man's primary weapon capability. It would decimate the western coast-line.

Now I want girls in shorts, does Pepper even know you're this much of a bad influence, Rhodey? For shame.

You know you're my spirit animal, Bruce. Glad you came through.

Oh, no. You're not blaming me for your...mojo, Tony. I'm not the one with strippers on my private jet. Did you get rid of those now that you and Pepper are dating, by the way?

[He will drip this coffee on your head, Stark, don't think he won't.]

Trust me on this Stark. You, me, and the word 'coy' will never happen together.

And if you really think a blueberry is a sufficient bribe for me you clearly haven't been talking to Nat.

Edited 2012-10-06 17:20 (UTC)

I believe that is classified information, Colonel.

What do you want? You're talking to Santa Claus here. A new bow from Lothlorien, girls in elf ears, speedier arrows?

I'd go for the ears, personally.

Tony, I know I don't need to give you the whole "if you hurt her, I'll kill you" talk, but seriously?

[Yeah, you're getting the sniper stare right now, Stark.]

They weren't strippers, just some lovely girls who have a shockingly boring job and might have found a pole around which to pose the act of stripping around, ergo mild nudity. They have nice eyes, give me a break.

I would never hurt Pepper. She gives hotter Chinese-burns.

I'm your spirit animal? [That's a terrible choice, Tony.] How about I'm your lab partner and occasional barista?

... I seriously don't know if I'm meant to go and find Arwen for you right now. Throw me a bone here.

I was drunk, not blind. They were stewardess strippers, Tony, there's no other way to describe them.

No, they were, uh, stewardesses with a penchant under the influence of some very expensive champagne to strip. Massive difference.

You know, Nat told me about the baiting thing but I really didn't expect it to be this bad. Do you honestly have a death wish, Stark?

[Just...]

What it must be like inside that head of yours.

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