homeless forever prob; canon is borderlands

[dissecting]

It's always flattering to know that my medical expertise might be necessary in some dump of a wasteland. Too many of those professional docs with their fancy degrees don't go the extra mile when it comes to getting the job done. Everybody knows deep down in their hearts that going going to extremes more or less is the only way to excel in the medical field.

I mean, I've seen it for myself. Last crazy bastard who waltzed in here--alright so the waltzing was a bit limp with his kneecaps broken and all--but he definitely found it in his heart to let me know my methods were well practiced. Being in my hand and all that. His heart I mean. Accidentally dropped it in the incinerator on my way to the crapper, but what good doctor doesn't slip up every once in awhile?

Dammit. Think I pumped that last patient full of too much acid. Got some blood in my eye and it's real irritated. Some kinda green pus is oozing out of my left duct.

If you ever find a new pisshaven to drop me in, give me a heads up. Gotta find a sturdy case for my hacksaw. She's a delicate gal.

Comments

[3balls]

YOU SURE DO TALK A LOT FOR SOMEONE WHO'S ABOUT TO DIE.

[dissecting]

Goddammit. Did I really have to clarify that I wanted you dead? Or at least minus a limb or two. Makes my job easier. Hold on just a sec. Lemme find that old pistol I got locked away somewhere in here. Then I'll fix you up!

[3balls]

HAHAHA! I'VE ONLY GOTTEN STRONGER! NOTHING CAN STOP ME FROM MAKIN' A HAT OUTTA YOUR FORESKIN.

[dissecting]

Son, if you think I haven't tried that already, you're dumber than I thought. Last time one of your minions lollygagged into my clinic, I gave it a go. Medical creativity I like to call it.

holy what. Dr. Zed AND a Nine-Toes?! it's not my birthday though!

[burnthewitch]

Ah... Uhh. Those guys. They're not gonna be okay, are they?

no u. hell yes a maya. come into my bosom pls.

[dissecting]

I guess that depends on your definition of "okay". I think they'll be just dandy.

[burnthewitch]

You're probably right. You're the doctor here.

[dissecting]

You got that right. You ever need anything, I got a messy two man job that needs doing. Involves a stalker fetus and a one legged goliath.

fuck yeah, Zed

[handsomejack]

Gotta be honest with ya, Doc, part of the reason why I'm not too heartbroken about you still being alive is you're just too damn entertaining.

let me edit that: "fuck yeah, Jack"

[dissecting]

Wanna know what would make it even more entertaining? Having you strapped onto one of these gurneys. The place is pretty packed right now. But as soon as I scrape the brains of that last guy offa' this one, you're welcome to stop by.

[handsomejack]

[And that causes the biggest damn laugh]

Yeah, cuz I'd totally let a malpracticed psychopath like you less than ten feet from me. Yep. Priceless.

But I'll be happy to send more Vault Hunters, bandits, and Raiders your way. Hell, if Tannis has the guts to step out of Sanctuary again, I might throw in a good 'ol fashioned 'dont-fuck-with-me' beating on her. Not as good as the 'give-me-the-vault-key' beating, but I don't plan on disappointing you on all the work you need to do to put her ragged little body back together.

[dissecting]

What a disappointment. And here I was fantasizing about all the flattering reconstruction I could do on your face. Son of a gun.

Oh yeah, and about those Vault Hunters. Last time I heard, you were doing a pretty piss poor job at rounding them up. Not to mention slaughtering them. They've got the bandits covered, so gonna have to decline that offer too. Overcrowding and all. And uhhh, I'm missing something here...

Oh. Right! They've also been dropping in a few of your loyal followers. I'd prefer if almost every single one of them wasn't a lifeless corpse, but beggars can't be choosers.

i love this influx of borderlands~

[phasestrike]

I am so glad I managed to stay out of your office for a while now. I guess an apple a day really does work.

You know, in a good way.

bl2 rekindled my inspiration ngl.

[dissecting]

Hey now. You know you and the rest of you crazy vault hunters get special treatment when it comes to my services.

But my vendors sure do save me the chore of sterilizing this place.

[phasestrike]

...What would we do without you Zed?

I have to say, some of those Shields you carry have come in pretty handy.

[the_slab_king]

Y'know, Zed, if you ever needed test subjects, ya could'a called me. The slabs are always dragging in more Sawtooth prisoners than we know what to do with.

[dissecting]

You know what? I've been thinking about building myself a storage facility. Also. A bigger freezer.

[the_slab_king]

I could get my boys on that for ya. Hell, knowing them, you'll probably even get to pull some girders out of their skulls or something.

[dissecting]

Much appreciated. I'll dig up something special for you even. For old times sake.

Also, they may or may not lose a limb in the process. Maybe a little something else if they're not careful, but never fear! I've got plenty of prosthetic bodyparts stocked up and ready for such an occasion.

[the_slab_king]

Hey, anything for my favorite doc.

Just keep the blood flowing and I'll be happy, doc.

[dissecting]

You know I always do. Don't roll any other way.

I only wish all my customers were this grateful.