Voice Test - Heading to Amatomnes - canon is Borderlands 2

[butt_stallion_says_hello]

Wow, really? This is what I get to look forward to? God, you know, they just really don't emphasize how bad rock bottom is. This sounds like a bad comedy act. The amazing Handsome Jack and his bumbling lackey, Fatso! The least, the LEAST, you could do is be a fatso born into money or something. This right here? It's Hell. See, Hell isn't other people, it's you. You and your big ol ham hands, with those typo prone bratwursts you call fingers.

Alright, keep pounding away there, kiddo. Let's talk us some business. Here's what's going to happen. This whole sex island thing? You're gonna go right on ahead with that sumbitch. It'll be great, a blast, and best of all, it'll give me a chance to start getting things ready. ...What? Oh man, you didn't...you didn't actually think I was just gonna plow me some babes spanning the spectrum of tits for giggles, did you? Aw, you know, that is almost precious. Go ahead and give yourself a little cheek pinch for being so adorable. Pathetic, but adorable.

But mostly pathetic.

No, see, we both know who I am. And if you think for even one second that I just can't bend the rules to life and death like I bent the rules to everything else? Well then I bet you're the kind of guy who just doesn't get the difference between choking and strangulation. Are you following me here? Don't tell me, you're gonna need this all in single syllables. No wait, better idea! Let me just fetch someone that speaks fluent pig for you, chubs.

...The hell are you waiting on!? Get to work already!

Oh, and actually? It was all pathetic. I can't help it, I just can't lie to that porky little face of yours. Buh bye now.

Comments

oh shit, what is this, is this happening right now, omg

[phasestrike]

I hope you get some sort of corrosive STD you skag-licking son-of-a-bitch.

Yes. Yes it is. Abra Kadabra, magic all up in this yo

[butt_stallion_says_hello]

Well, unless you plan on weaponizing Moxxi, that's just not going to happen. See I got this thing called standards? You bandits should really look into it. Fortunately I don't really have to be worried about that. I kind of sort of killed the only idiot smart enough to come up with a plan like that.

You remember that, right? Those were the days, huh.

[phasestrike]

Even Moxxi's figured out that she's better than you. How about that? The biggest slut of Pandora won't even sleep with you.

Sorry Moxxi, love ya girl.

You don't know anything about Roland, you rakk-fucking asshole. He was a thousand times better man than you could ever be.

[handsomejack]

Well, well, hey good lookin'.

[butt_stallion_says_hello]

Hey there yourself, handsome.

[handsomejack]

So, tits and giggles to eventually build to the master plan.

I could get behind that. Do us proud, you sexy bastard.

[the_slab_king]

[Hear that noise, Jack? That noise that sounds like something between rolling thunder and an avalanche? Yeah, that's Brick stalking up behind you and preparing to take a swing at the back of your head as soon as he's in range. Subtlety? Who needs it?]

[butt_stallion_says_hello]

[And HOME RUN! Jack goes flying into the air like a Rakk that met the business end of the hammer of God, hitting a wall and...dissipating into nothing?]

Wow. Just wow. Slow clap and everythin'.

[He is so glad he didn't lose that after the Warrior debacle. SO GLAD]

Also, that username is freaking fantastic.

[the_slab_king]

[And cue another roar of incoherent rage.]

COME OUT AND FACE ME YOU DAMN COWARD! OR DO I NEED TO DIG UP YOUR WIFE AND BEAT HER INTO DUST!?

[You're just making him angrier, Jack. If there's one thing Brick hates - and he hates a LOT of things - it's cowards. The slabs may not be smart, but damn if they won't charge into a line of fire just for fun.]

I was tickled pink when I got it. I didn't think I would, either.

[butt_stallion_says_hello]

Ooh, you just had to go there huh. Say, big dumb and puppy lovin', you remember the Sheriff, right? Well, I always say one good turn deserves a number so...

[Hey, you know what's wonderful? ECHO recordings. You know why? Turns out his gal had sent him a nice little recording of all the work she was doing. Including that bit with Brick's puppy.]

<3

[the_slab_king]

[Brick looks around, finds the biggest rock he can find and lobs it at where he thinks Jack is hiding. Oh, and lots of roars. It's amazing this guy has any vocal chords left, the way he treats his.]

oh sweet babies, this is fantastic.

[burnthewitch]

There's a responsible voice in my head that is telling me I should intervene with whatever plans you've got brewing in that egotistical brain of yours... But you know what? I think I'm really just relieved that you're going to be someone else's headache for a little while.

PS. The thought of you "plowing" anyone made me throw up in my mouth. I thought you should know.

\o/ I'm actually a little worried how easily that post came to me

[butt_stallion_says_hello]

Oh, I think I know that voice, actually. It's the same one that told you to "pull the trigger" on the religious fellow that took you in for...how long was it again kiddo? Yeah, that's real responsible. Come to think about it, that's the perfect voice of reason for no good, child killing, scum bag bandits like you and your vault hunting friends.

PS. The thought of you throwing up in your mouth made me imagine you choking to death on your vomit. I thought you should know.

i could literally read the whole thing in his voice so it's awesome

[burnthewitch]

Prying into my personal life. Real cute. And just when I thought you couldn't get any sleazier.

PS. That isn't too far from what actually happened. Thankfully, there's New-U.

\o/ the sequel!

[butt_stallion_says_hello]

You call it sleazy, I call it being thorough. The only difference is that, as usual, I'm actually right about what it's being called.

PS. Yeah. Thankfully there is.

[burnthewitch]

How's that working out for you anyway? You're not going to pluck my heartstrings by bringing up memories of my past. It won't work.

PS. Well damn. ... I hope your stupid pony kicks you in the knee.

[butt_stallion_says_hello]

Plucking heartstrings. That's real cute. Look, if I wanted you all sad and stuff, I'd show you some of the footage of all the neat things we did to that drunk's bird. Pasts are much better for other things, child.

Oh, and I'd say leave Butt Stallion out of this, what with being all innocent and diamondy and stuff, but hey. We all know what you like to do with innocent things, don't we?

Oh and I stopped the whole postscript stuff, on account of it being stupid as hell. You can just keep on going with it though. It suits you.

[burnthewitch]

[Oh that one burned her up a bit. Handsome Jack: 1 / Maya: 0] Don't talk about Bloodwing. Don't call me child.

... And you really must be confused but considering how warped your perception of reality is, I understand. If you're going to point fingers, looking in a mirror isn't a bad start.

PS. FINE. Ugh, you're so insufferable.

[butt_stallion_says_hello]

And it's just as easy as that.

Oh, I look in the mirror. Come on, look at this face, who wouldn't want to check this mug out every day? And do you know what I say every time I do? "Why do so many people hate the face of progress?" I tell you, it keeps me up at night.