dear_mun | (no subject)

[This is... Awkward.]

There's a bit more to it than that, James.

[He really doesn't want to explain this... he really doesn't.]

We - uh - we can deal with that later. What matters is that you're alive.

[blinking]

Yeah?

[narrowing my eyes, your expression's starting to worry me] What if I want to deal with it now?

[Even though he knows it'll make Bucky suspicious, he can't help fidgeting like he would have when he was smaller.]

It's - uh - It's not about when we served together, Buck. It's something that happened to you after you - I - after you were found.

[sighs]

Oh. Something bad, huh?

[very suspicious, not going to back down on this]

Uh...yeah.

[He truly does not want to tell Bucky this, especially if he doesn't know but Steve won't hide the truth from him either.] After you...fell. You were found the Russians and... They experimented on you and brainwashed you. Turned you into an assassin. Eventually I found out and helped you remember who you'd been before.

[And please, Bucky, don't ask what happened after that...]

...oh.

Oh, is that all.

[mouth working, trying for a grin because I don't want to look like I'm not coping, but holy cow...]

Well, uh, thanks, Steve. Wonder if I can avoid that, now I know.

What happened after that?

[Remember how Steve used to flail when he was smaller? The serum never really took that away. So much mental flailing right now.]

But I find you and you get your memories back and things get better. [Or as better as possible in their canon.

Which leads to...

Steve smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.]

You - uh - You become Captain America.

[exhaling, shaking my head] Wow. I -- I guess you had a lot to do with that, so thanks.

[I know you well enough to know just because you're not taking responsibility doesn't mean you didn't help me]

...

I what?

Maybe. [He grins slightly, a little more at ease than before.] Kinda like you kept me from getting mauled in alleys. [Pausing, the grin turns to a tentative smile.] You're welcome, Buck.

[Then, his expression turns serious, considering everything that was lost and how much his friends will go through.] You take up my shield and become Captain America.

Ah, Steve...

[an awkward grin]
[I want to be okay with all this, I want to reminisce with you about that and feel normal, but this is huge]

[gulp] Why would I do that? What happens to you?

[Steve would prefer talking about getting beat up in alleys and his failure with girls...or even his embarrassing failures with Peggy than this.

It's tempting to try to avoid the subject more, but it won't make it easier for anyone, no matter how much he wants to find some words to ease the blow.]

Eventually, I'll come back but...I'm killed. And the world needs Captain America so Tony gives you my shield and you take on the role.

[I'll get back to that point again, soon, I promise. I just need a little while.]

[staring at you, absolutely shattered; this is basically the only news that could drive all thought of what you've said about me out of my head]

[brokenly] Hell -- hell with that.

[catching you up in a fierce, convulsive hug, partly so you won't see my face]

[Steve barely remembers to keep his strength in check, almost forgetting that he's not the ninety pound asthmatic anymore. Holding on tightly, he keeps whispering 'I'll come back. I promise I'll come back.'

This is the worst part of what happens. He's not afraid of dying but he knows what happens to the people he cares about after he's gone and it tears him apart.]

You're the one I'd want to have it. [He lets out a shaky laugh, trying to make this easier but Steve knows he can't.] You did say you were turning into me.

Oh kid... you are in for a hellofa a ride... just remember a few things for me, it gets better and it's not your fault.

...Also chicks dig the arm, which is weird to me, but whatever.

[you're basically holding me together right now]
[I am not crying]
[I will admit to being terrified of you dying, though]

[shakily] Steve, jeez... I could do worse than turn into you, but it's so wrong. I'm not you. You're Captain America.

[That gives Steve the strength he needs to get through this because he won't fail his friends. Not again.

He's not crying either. Nope.]

I'm not Captain America. I'm that skinny kid who never knew how to run. The rest...it has to carry on. Even when I'm not here to wear the uniform.

[eyebrows climbing up]

You're... Oh, wow.

[I guess I have to believe you]

So it's pretty bad? What do you mean about the arm?

[ He raises his left hand, well the whole arm is visable the left side of his uniform has no shirt sleeve. The arm is gleaming metal with Steve's shield painted on it. He wiggles the fingers a little, it's fully functioning and has feeling, it's just a robo arm. He brings it back down and rubs the back of his neck a little. ]

Well the fall from the train... kind of messed me... us? Us up a bit. It works like normal and it's stronger then anything and you, me, we've still got feeling in it.

[dammit, I'm supposed to be strong for you, I know you're tough but I don't like leaning on you so hard]

But it's the skinny kid I'll miss. I can't replace either...

[sigh] If I have to, and it's what you want, I will.

[horrified/fascinated, a hand sneaking out to not quite touch]

So the Russians did it? What do you remember?

Everything thanks to Steve-o, well most of it. Kid saved me... I mean I remember the fall, and waking up in their lab... [ he pauses. ] I remember what they made believe, and what they made me do. I remember all the bad stuff... but I remember training and loving Natasha too...

And hey we can speak Germen, Russian and French perfectly on top of English as well as play the piano now... [ he laughs a little darkly. ] So something good came out of the pile of shit we went through. But seriously... I wouldn't be here now, or who I am now if I hadn't gone through all that.

I mean things get really bad again for a bit... but then they get good again. Thus is the life when you're a secret agent.

[ Bucky holds out the metal hand. ] Go ahead... I'm normally a little weird about letting people touch it, but considering we're the same person...

[But having someone leaning on him makes him stronger. Always has.]

Not asking you to replace me. Just - I know you'll take care of it. [His shield, the uniform, the ideals he'd fought for.] Even when I come back, you still keep my shield.

[frowning in empathy/horror]

You -- we did a lot of bad stuff. [not quite a question]

Is Natasha the dame, I mean woman, up above?

[noting that you're resigned about all this and finding some good in it; that's helping me a little]

Thanks. I know this is strange. [two fingers running lightly down your forearm, getting the feel of the metal]

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I don't care if he's the wrong size in the icon

Just going to have my Winter Solider talk to his past self >>

<33333333

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awesome XD

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