ATTENTION SCAMPERING MAGGOT-INFESTED HUMAN TYPE.

[notascheap]

You.  Scum.  New Scum, or New New Scum, or whatever it is you want to be called.

Yeah.  YOU.  With the mosquito attention span and penchant for psychos.  People I know would eat your face and dance in your leavings for pulling this kind of skullduggery and never think twice.  And then skullfuck you and sell your lungs on the black market for good measure and not necessarily in that order.  You honestly think you can handle this?  On top of everything else?  Because if you abandon me AGAIN.  I won't be coming back, not for all the monkey brains and caffeine pills and sheer, raw STIMULANT in this great big multiverse of ours.  Not for all the news stories, no matter HOW titillating or potentially gut-wrenching.

You know it's going to be work.  Constant, never-ending if you're serious about that boat and don't get me wrong; it sounds like a veritable trove of the sane.  Truly.  I've already got some ideas on how to shake things up.  But with everybody else you got there, and you KNOW I'll have to have my fingers all over it.

So many people there, so many vacuous souls and expressions in need of a good talk with the ol' chair leg.  My fingers are itching already; no D-lists, no fluffy cuddly Spider, no CASTRATION to keep the masses happy.  Clean slate, permission to say whatever I want and who knows.  Maybe this group will actually listen, if they're really from somewhere else.  Somewhere...shinier.  Less content to be slaves to the silver screen.  Maybe a blackboard with a rotating feed and it's so OLD-FASHIONED but sometimes you just have to make do.  I would scribble the stories out on the wall with my own blood if I had to, you know that.  The point here is, I WANT to do this.  I want to help you, really I do.  But just get your shit in line first.  

Ducks.  Rows.  You know the drill.

Best of luck to you, and in the immortal words of our sponsors, "nut up or shut up".

- Spider

Comments

I almost remember him from ye olde days~

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

[...What even.] Charming. You'd fit right in.

aww you're going to upset him

[notascheap]

[He tries?]

With all the shit that exists in the world there's a slot for everybody, so that's not really saying much.

Koz does that a lot

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

An interesting way to put it, and very true. Warden or inmate?

[Yeah he's betting on villain. No hero wears sunglasses like that.]

everyone's gotta have a thing I guess?

[notascheap]

I've seen clubs celebrating septuagenarians with tattooed livers and communities for dogs with people fetishes, so it's not exactly novel.

She's undecided. Big surprise there. But I'm betting on warden, not that I've got any clue WHY. Like I want to help some poor schlub learn something he'll just forget next week because he can feel better about his life that way.

[They're cameras. Geez.]

What about you?

[sharpsuitfluffytail]

How... Actually, no. I don't think I even want to ask about any of those. Except for maybe why you'd visit them.

Muns are like that. You'll get used to it. You'll be lucky if you learn any details about anything.

[Yeah well they could at LEAST match?]

[...] I'm a scientist who wanted to better mankind. Apparently that makes me an inmate. Figure that one out.

[notascheap]

Because that's where the stories are. The TRUTH. Why WOULDN'T I visit them is the better question.

I'm out of practice, but I'm sure I'll catch up.

[Why would they do that? That's ridiculous.]

Depends on the type of science.

[wetasoctober]

Can you get a good price for a man's lungs at market?

[Why is he even asking?]

[notascheap]

Depends on which side of town you sell at. Uptown they'll try to take an arm and a leg too and you'll still get it up the ass in terms of compensation, downtown isn't as bad for green but there's no guarantee they won't just turn around and sell it to one of the long pork joints.

Why, you in the business?

[wetasoctober]

No, I've killed my fair few of men, I was just wondering if I could get a bit more coin for my work than just my wage.

[notascheap]

Sell direct to the long pork folks. They'll give you a better price. That or find an independent buyer; you find somebody rich enough and desperate enough, they'd give you their first born child if you asked.

Might have a few connections.

[Of course he does. Spider has connections EVERYWHERE.]

[can_has_vodka]

Going to have to help me update the drink list and the jukebox if you come round, love! Only fair.

[notascheap]

My, what purple eyes you have, grandma.

But you're probably too young to remember that.

You know it's against the law to let me near bars in at least three districts, right?

[Not that she actually knows and NOT THAT IT WILL STOP HIM.]

[can_has_vodka]

[She peers at him.]

You don't look part Time Lord.

[The mention of the bars just makes her giggle and shrug.] The barkeeps are a teleporter and a girl with superhuman strength. We'll keep you out of all but the fun sort of trouble.

[notascheap]

I'm American, Old Scum, Journalist, Intrepid Wanderer, part Atheist, all Bastard, and a few dozen things nobody's remembered the names of for decades because they've become irrelevant. I've been told I look like a lot of things, but I'd have to say Time Lord would be a new one. Some new Community or a latest fad I've somehow managed to miss?

[A thoughtful look, a few drags on a cigarette pulled from behind an ear, and he perks quickly.]

I'll be needing people like that. How are you with instructions and a remote? ...also weapons. Preferably the dangerous kind.

At this point my headcanon is getting increasingly silly.

[can_has_vodka]

Goodness me, the Doctor and I spawned a Yank?

...oh well. Hullo!

Oh no, they're from Gallifrey, they're very advanced in the sciences and psychic arts. Lovely people really.

Faith can use almost any weapon. I don't need weapons, though. I'm a pacifist who has the power set to actually make it work.

I enjoy your headcanon?

[notascheap]

[ooc: LOL Arkady *would* spawn and get distracted mid-naming and decide "HE LOOKS KIND OF LIKE A SPIDER that's fine."]


[Musing] Not sure about any doctors, but I didn't think accents were a transmissible trait. ...could be wrong, they do just about anything these days.

Sounds like the Farsight Reservation. Like you said; lovely people.

You can learn. Anyone can learn; if I can teach an ex-politician's daughter the value, anyone can learn. Pacifist's just another word for someone who's the first to get their head stomped in and their neck shat down because it's there. No offense. I like pacifists. They're cheery. Make my chest-organs all warm and fuzzy.

But this Faith. I must speak with her. Bring her to me. [Snap snap!]

[can_has_vodka]

[She just smiles serenely, and then quietly plugs his mind into that of a swallow swooping and diving overhead, basically overwhelming his brain with whee.]

I've been stomped and shat on and worse. People with my level of power have to be benevolent anyway. Anything less can end up breaking whole planetary regions in an emotional outburst.

Faith is not one to be summoned unless she's in a good mood. Take note: she could juggle you.

[notascheap]

[...what. What. He would object to her poking around in there if it wasn't like jumpstart on space with none of the potential for paranoia. So please. Continue.]

And we wouldn't want that, the world is fucked enough already. ...your level of power?

I am a Rogue Journalist with advancing brain damage and nothing left to lose. I spend three hours on the john a day and sometimes my digestive system shuts off in the middle of the night. If I want to summon people I will accept the possibility of juggling with an open mind and a heavy fist.

[can_has_vodka]

I see. Into minds, into people's futures. I can manipulate. Minds and futures. And I'm terribly good at getting around.

And brain damage? Hnf. I know someone who could fix that for you in an afternoon.

Somehow I think the two of you will get on famously after a few black eyes....

[notascheap]

You're Farsight too? Didn't think you were in the habit of walking away. I know I wouldn't.

[A shrug.]

It is what it is; I'll have enough time to do what I have to before I turn into a barely functional vegetable, that's all that matters. Anything else is just a bonus to prolong the inevitable.

Bodyguards are not supposed to be violent against their employers. But it is, on occasion, necessary.

[pectoralmutt]

Cripes, it's cancer cueball again.

[notascheap]

Again? Implying there was a before.

Because I think I'd remember this fever dream. There aren't many conversational dogs.

[scarlet_discord]

[Oh high-pitched squeaky noises!]

[notascheap]

Larynx broke? I always say never try the place on Yellow, they've got a tendency to install the recalled shit, and that never lasts.

Probably gives you typhoid too, I've just never been able to connect all the dots.

[scarlet_discord]

Huhwhat? Don't people squee on your planet?

[notascheap]

Of course they do; it was the warcry of the fangirls before they all got wiped out by the memeplague fifty years ago. Now they've got parades to celebrate it and everything.

[scarlet_discord]

The poor fangirls. Thing is, I'm from the late twentieth century so I missed all of that.

[notascheap]

I wouldn't get too upset over it, they were all replaced by something worse the next week.

[Pause pause.]

Revival?

[scarlet_discord]

Timey-Wimey thing. I'm from 2003.

[notascheap]

That means nothing. We don't have years where I'm from, only stretches of time.

[acertifieduser]

Listen, I get what you're trying to say here but it's just not happening. You want to go to a place where people will listen and you have a chance to endure and to get better, right? The Barge isn't that place-- Unless you're talking to inmate and not the wardens. The wardens never listen to anything, but the inmate aren't so bad and maybe there's a chance you could insinuate yourself in a way that you hadn't found before.

It's a pretty fun place once you get past the inability to leave. A couple pills, a few wardens gullible enough to play friends, and a couple girls at your beckoned call. The girls aren't actually essential, of course, I'm not that guy, but I found that they were in need of affection when I was there. Maybe their puppet masters weren't doing enough for them-- unless it's just the environment. They say that most people who survive extreme traumatic experiences together and more inclined to exist in successful relationships because they understand each other, but I don't really know if I believe that or if it's relevant.

Maybe you should just go with it.

[notascheap]

Nice words you have; politician or Journalist? ...although there aren't many journalists who bother with those kinds of words. There's no joy in the craft these days, it's all pomp and circumstance. Flashbang whitewash.

If you're around when I get there, I might have to ask to borrow your words. Because I do on occasion forget some. Not then, not when I'll be there, but I will.

But to answer your question. Warden, but I'm not picky about who listens as long as they do. So it's not so much unable to depart as unwilling. Again, will be.

Hopefully they'll have more than just a COUPLE pills though. A guy like me can't get by on just a couple. Truckloads would be a more accurate description. Boatloads. Colonfuls.

[acertifieduser]

Businessman, but that's not important. What's important is finding you the right people to talk to when you get there to make sure that you have the best circumstances and opportunities, allowing you to have an easier ride there. All you need to worry about is--

..Wait. Are you saying that you're going to be a warden?

[notascheap]

What's the fun in an easy ride? Wouldn't know what that was if you handed it to me with a Lugermat 54 on a silver platter, I grew up in just about the worst part of the City there is and it hasn't been much uphill from there. I'll figure it out as I go, it's the only way to live anyway.

[Griiiiiin.]

Surprised? Me too, but weirder things. It's all in the way you look at things.

[acertifieduser]

No, that's.. What? That's a terrible idea. The key to succeeding is handling risk management adequately, and that doesn't work if you're just taking everything as it comes and not planning for anything. You should be analyzing existing data to look for trends to find patterns to predict outcomes, not grabbing a gun and getting trigger happy around the bar.

It sounds like you were alive long enough to make a deal where the rest of us had to die first. That doesn't make you special, man. It just makes you lucky, and there's no shame in that. Own it.

[notascheap]

And now you're back to sounding like a politician. Don't. My philosophy on politicians based on all the ones I've both met personally and heard stories about is that they should be shut up in a small box with a very hungry wolverine after being coated in rabid fish and syphilis. Not a very good situation to be in.

I am not a man ordinarily drawn to the more deadly firearms. Honestly I'd just be happy making a guy soil himself, the floor, and whatever else happens to be nearby, but that's just me.

And what did you do, pray tell?