dear_mun | Someone doesn't like recent developments.

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Someone doesn't like recent developments.

Wait, wait, wait. You're gonna what?

No. Keeping me around wasn't part of the plan. Yeah, okay, it's nice to get out and see things. Enjoy the scenery, take in the fresh air, and I got all that. Got it. Done. It's over now.

What do you intend to do with me? Let's face it, I'm not exactly in a good place right now with, well, anyone. And you don't have any real plan in mind except to have me around, so the most I can hope for is sitting right here. Not a pretty picture. Thanks for thinking of me, but I'll pass. No one here needs the Iron Man, and they sure as hell don't want him.

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[Oh no don't make him say his name because he doesn't want...he's not...he has nice hair in the moves :(

...and dance moves]

Well...that's bullshit, to be honest.

[Well, just be creative. He might not even notice. Maybe.]

What?

[UH

UHM. JIMMY SLAMMER?

SOMETHING?]

I don't think I stuttered, Anthony.

[oh no does old man comic him do that

ohhh noooo did he out himself]

[You might not want to pick a fight with this one, Justin. He looks up, eyes narrowing slightly.]

Sorry, do I know you?

[Can you tell he's kind of bumbling overall

because that nervous stuttering laugh is not a giveaway at all]

Ah, well, uh...uhm. I know another you, we don't—we're not—you know...ah.

I'm Justin...Hammer?

What?

[Oh, you have got to be kidding. Seriously? Seriously? When life just couldn't get worse, and now a Hammer in the mix?]

Look, I don't have time for any more insanity from your family. So if you're going to make a move, you do it right now.

[You make him sad, Tony.]

What? No. Look, I'm...not your Justin Hammer. And you don't need to break any of my guys' clavicles because that Russian ginger...agent...did that already. I don't...make a move? Do I look like I work out?

[He's emotionally unstable. He makes a lot of people sad.]

My Justin Hammer? I don't remember having ownership of that name, thanks.

[Okay. Okay, breathe. Being pissed off doesn't help.]

... You're Justin Hammer. Not Junior or the Second or the Tenth?

[You know what? He likes you better.]

[...Tony are you implying Justin is going to or has, at some point, had a child.

You might give him a heart attack don't...no no.]

Uh. No. No, I'm just...no. There won't be a Second or a Junior, I promise.

[Not THIS Justin, anyway. He'll trade you out for any one of the Hammers he knows, though. Any day of the week. This is much better.]

Good. Good, I don't think you need to worry about kids. Lots of work.

[This is trying to soothe over his outburst, see?]

[he's probably impotent, dude

he'd rather watch Jeopardy

he really didn't want to get laid after the Expo, you see

he was just rubbing it in Ivan's face]

Yeah, uh...no. No, I'm certain I don't have to because...look, whatever. Iron Man can't retire. He just. Can't.

[Forget impotence. He's just sad. Can we get more villains like this back home, please? Maybe?

Look, he'll put you up and everything if you take the other villains' places. Just for awhile.]

Why not? It's what most people want anyway.

[Not saying he would, but, hey, life gets bad sometimes.]

[No way. He's already so hideously pitiful he should just stop breathing but, sadly, it's...breathing is like an instinct. Like the few times he's thought, wow, I wonder if I can hold my breath til I black out, he wasn't actually a child throwing a tantrum but a grown-ass man listening to the ocean noise setting on his sound machine and whoa. You can't. Well, not until your self-preservation kicks in. He's not quite as terrifying pathetic as a lemming.

He just is and shouldn't be but...he isn't so bad. Or old. And kind of bald. And he can bust a move! He can dance! But...not find a fucking bird.

But it was in Russia, Tony. That is a big place, you know. And cold. One can only search so long for a fucking bird before just THIS IS A GREAT BIRD and enthusiasm and wow look someone can word vomit like you!

It's like Justin Hammer is Tony Stark, but the one the audience wants to hate!!!!! And is inadequate so he's mildly relate-able but he's not cool because his glasses are ugly! And because he's a fucking weapons designer but he can't TURN OFF A TV LIKE SERIOUSLY. PULL THE PLUG YOU PIECE OF SHI

whoops]

Because I haven't been able to recreate your tech and if we don't have Tony Stark as Iron Man, we don't...have much of anything, really.

You're not going to recreate the repulsor technology.

[And that is a promise. Firm, but not harsh. He realizes that this guy doesn't deserve it and he pulls back. But he won't give on that point, because no one is going to take his technology, and that is just fact. He'll ensure that it doesn't happen.

But that statement is surprisingly sympathetic coming from anyone (even a guy with that bewildered expression) sharing the same name as Hammer. If Tony Stark isn't Iron Man, then...? Someone tell him he actually heard that. It's hard to believe.]

I would think that a lot of people would be happy if Tony Stark stopped being Iron Man. A lot of the wrong people, but maybe some of the right ones too.

[Holy fuck you are depressing. Just take the damn compliment, it physically, emotionally hurts to give Tony Stark a compliment. It makes him feel even more inadequate, which is hard to do. He should just stop trying to be nice, even if it's a roundabout way.

Or stop trying to be roundabout in a nice way. How does that work? Yield. It is time to yield because damn Tony is just. In a mood that is no bueno, amigo.]

You should stop the pity party. Like, now. Actually, yeah, now would be a good time because...because it's pathetic and I do not like seeing you in any form as a miserable son of a bitch. It's like watching an American flag after a hurricane where it's all torn and knotted up, you know? Except instead of a bunch of trailers being trashed and thankfully everyone's been evacuated, there's a bunch of dead people because holy fuck where was Iron Man when we needed him?

That's what I see. If you quit, I see a lot of dead people. I don't like seeing dead people. I'm pretty sure you don't either. So, you know. Man up. Suit up? Something. Just. You can't. You just...be quiet.

[That was a speech. Was that a speech? Yeah, it was.

And he used a flag analogy. So this really is Hammer? Justin Hammer (wearer of glasses, because this needs a proper epithet differential) just made a speech about responsibility and protecting people. With an American flag analogy.

Talk about surreal days.]

No. Yeah, you're right. I'm not going to let that happen.

Thank you... You realize how weird this is for me, right?

[Not that he's necessarily equating this Justin with that Justin, but it's still a Hammer. Seriously, the man's family pretty much lives and breathes revenge. Weird doesn't cover it.]

[No, he's definitely not the same Hammer. If his speech hadn't proved that, then his hair and glasses combo should, right? He's not a shape-shifter, after all, it's not like he's going to start laughing evilly and shift back and SURPRISE I'M JUSTIN HAMMER THE 19TH A-HA-HA LOKI'D! or whatever.]

You're saying that like it's not weird for me either. And, yeah, whatever, you're welcome.

[Seriously? That was never a question. A relative, sure, but maybe a great-nephew or something once removed, because, come on. Look at this guy. He was braced, that's all, and little things are starting to set him off quicker. Stress does that.

And, if it's all the same, let's not get into shapeshifters. Really.]

Probably not nearly as weird as it is for me. But that's... not bad. I mean, once you get past the name, you actually almost sound like a decent person.

[Uhm, that's nice and all, but...no.]

Yeah, okay. I try to be nice and you, again, have to show me up. It's weird for you but it's weirder for me, ohhhhh, let me be number one in everything!

Well, someone's being sensitive.

[Hah, that actually felt good. Go figure, it'd be messing with Justin Hammer that finally gets a snarky response.]

Or is it someone being insensitive?

[It does not feel good for Justin. He gets no feels of the good kind. BECAUSE YOU WIN EVERYTHING!]

No, I'm pretty sure it's just you being oversensitive.

A lot. It's practically flashing over your head like a beacon.

At least you're still an ass.

At least you're still behind. [<3]

[:(

:((((((]

Someone doesn't like recent developments.

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k e y w o r d s

Nice helmet.

it's collector's edition not that happy meal crap. ONLY THE BEST FOR THE BEST.

...You just raided old junk from the facilities, didn't you?

NO ANOTHER TONY MADE THIS FOR ME. ON A HAT MEME. I HAVE A PARTY HAT TOO NOW!!!!!

STOP BEING CUTE, DAMN IT.

NO MISTER STARK. NO.

I will hit you.

no don't. he's been kicked in the face by one loki and two natashas. :(

awrsetdsre Justin what are you even doing?

it's not his fault he's not a bishie like you tony

well he's not a conniving old snake so there is that

GOD BLESS AMERICA GOD BLESS IRON MAN

gdi Justin!!

hit him anywhere but his face okay. it's too beautiful.

hitting him would be pretty sad actually. he gets a pass.

yeah it's like kicking a three-legged dog at this point.

stop painting targets on your face, man.

look at this icon. tell me you don't want to kick that smug asshole face.

Oh that grin. Always fantastic.

what about now?

oh my god

i hope he's brightened your day, tony

It's the nostalgia, really. He loves it.

good good

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