dear_mun | (no subject)

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...Well, when you put it like that, I guess I really am I just talking to myself. Or..."I'm" the only one listening. And regurgitating what I say. And think. Consider this an oh-gross-you-sell-your-well-youknow-for-Z shudder. Only it's less grossed out and more...creeped out.

Like when Amber started wearing vests and blouses. Or when you and your friends used to make artificially-created-in-a-lab jokes. (Whatever happened to the half-finished, Styrofoam one? Did Evil Scientist Dad destroy her, too?)

More importantly, what am I supposed to do? This is the opposite of MGz.

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MGz?

You've never heard it, either? Maybe it's just colloquial thing. Could be I'm just behind the times, too. I mean, it's not like I know a bunch of people to know what they're saying these days, on the Island.

It's a unit of measurement. For how cool something is.

I didn't know cool needed a unit of measure. I feel rather... old now.

It's probably not that different from saying something's "cool" versus...I don't know, "really cool." MGz. Mega MGz.

Ah. Gotcha.

Or GGz, too. That's only if something is wicked cool, though.

...Artificially created in a lab...anything is never a good joke to make.

It's better than triggering life-threatening attack when confronted with the fact that I'm not the only me. Or it was, once.

...[His brow furrows] These gods...

[He shakes his head] Other versions of you completely? Or other versions of you-like split personalities and that kind of thing?

Well. Kind of all of the above. It used to be split personalities, I guess, in separate bodies. Now, it's just a lot of..."other" versions, except they're all the same version.

Which...I know comes with territory. It's just...weird, when they try to do...exactly what I do. Instead of what...their writers...think I would do...I don't know. It's enough to trigger an attack now.

[He'll hold up a hand] No attacks. Attacks are bad and I'm not the kind of doctor needed for attacks.

....I'd say think it's flattering but if they're behaving like that that sounds particularly childish.

I didn't mean I was literally going to have one, right now. It just...feels like it, sometimes.

There's really no way to make it sound reasonable or logical or sane or anything, the way I know how to describe it. I just know that I'm me and...sometimes there are other people who are me, too, which is fine...but I just don't want them to be me me...I'm sorry. I know this is confusing. And weird.

[He smiles, but it's a sad smile. This kid would be the virgin. This could would experience torture beyond measure. He's wondering-deep down wondering-if he'll ever stop thinking of people as the arctypes they represent.

Or if it's a punishment from the gods themselves.]

...Trust me you could not weird me out. I have seen weirder. way weirder.

I guess maybe I have, too. Kind of. Although I wish my existential crises were back to the normal kind about my whole life being one big lie, instead of trying to figure out how many mes can exist at one time.

[Steven Hadley's~~writer~~ heard stories like that before. Situations like that before. scenarios like that before. Ultimately it's all a lie. The problem with being aware that the game was rigged was that eventually you started asking questions about other games. All of it, this, every other scenario.

He reached for rationality and a desire to keep the girl calm. Inflicting his paranoia on the world was a cross he wanted no one else to bear.]

...You sound like you've counted. [And his voice is full of pity.] Honestly...I have to agree. Knowing what something is-knowing everything about something can be hard but once that's gone-that's it. Nothing else should hold anymore terror for you.

Not quite. It's just something I sort of have the misfortune of being reminded of, all the time, even when we're trying to avoid it.

Basically. I know the whole truth, for the most part, now, and...it's not all the way better, but I know it'll also never be worse, ever again.

....It is isn't it?

[He's been thinking about this] That it's like...there's something ripped off your eyes and just-even if you're alone and scared or hurt there's...nothing else to really tell you.

My ex-boss [The Director was a virgin. The director had to be a virgin. Part torturer part tortured, designed to pass on her own feelings to others-burdened with-what did the green guy with the horns say? Glorious purpose? Yes.] used to tell me that fear was the last horror and then when you conquered it nobody else could stand against you.

Yeah, you just...have to figure it out. And you don't have the excuse of not knowing, anymore. So, that's sort of scary because it means you have to keep going, but...it's better than being kept in the dark.

But how do you know when you've conquered it? I mean, for good? I keep thinking I'm past it, but...I'm really not. Not all the way, anyway.

[Hadley considers this and thinks of the Director. They were taken to the inner sanctum, they would know things...and the way they behaved..]

I don't think...you should ever get over it. Over finding out things are fake. I think...as long as you maintain a little bit of that fear...you don't want to lose it. That's what makes you human.

Keeps you from being some kind of raging psychopath. If you just...accept it then what is there to live for?

[He looks sad for a moment] ...That's...Well to me that seems kind of smart.

What scares me, now, I guess, is at least...different from what used to scared me. I'm not scared of dying, anymore. Immediate dying. I mean, in general, I'm scared of it because I don't want to die before I've lived. But. There's no, you know, impending doom, anymore.

There's...a lot of ways to turn into one of those, isn't there? My dad...he sort of did the opposite. Let all his fear turn him into a...raging psycho. To be honest, I don't really know what he was living for, either, on that opposite end.

People like that live for concluding a deal or finishing something solid. Take my word for it. [He frowns] I'm sorry.

Trust me, there's...there's a lot more out there. Death is...

Never mind.

Or because they're just selfish and confused. I think it's probably more that, since the only deal he had to finish was a hyperstupid one.

"Z"?

I dearly hope you are not talking about Zydrate. Unless it means you actually got away from that horrible island.

Zydrate, yeah. That's what I meant. And...I don't think I'll ever get out of here.

That's...horrible.

I visited there once. I am...was, anyway, a very brutal man, but even I was shocked by it.

There has to be a way.

It's a little horrible. But..it's home. I don't know anywhere else.

You probably would have gotten on with my dad, in that case.

I don't know. By that time I had left most of my cruel past behind and I...

It is like an entire world where no one gets what they deserve.

Maybe you just would have been a good influence on him, then. He didn't have any of those.

Some of them do, I think. Or, at least, they get what they want. And sometimes that's enough.

Young lady, if I could be of help to any family in that place I'd do it gladly. But aside from inviting you along to the place that saw me reformed there's not much I can do.

After the Island it's not a bad place at all. They pay you in wishes.

...I shouldn't advocate underage violence but punching works.

I punched a picture frame, once. ...It won.

I'll punch them. Or you entice others to punch them. Even if there aren't that many other people who you know there should always be at least one person who should be willing to punch somebody out for that kinda thing.

But that could just be me. I'm spoiling for a fight.

There is one person. But...there's also a good chance he'll say, "Kid, this is your fight and you have to figure it out. It's for your own good." He does that, sometimes.

[Two fingers to the bridge of his nose.]

...It's a good lesson to learn but sometimes-especially in today's world all people really need is a good punch in the face. [Teeth grit]

...I applaude you for taking the non-violent route kiddo.

I don't know if that's true, in this case, but I know that's how my writer usually feels, too. Like, all the time.

My dad probably had something to do with that. What with being, you know, violent enough for everyone.

...Yes.

[He has a lot of feelings about Nathan Wallace. Mainly that-Marni is in essence his sister and Mark turns into a bull without horns as far as his sister's concerned. And as far as not!child is concerned-the joy of the internet. The joy of this world.]

...Making a real solid effort not to be like that rat bastard?

[Yeah, Shilo has some of those feelings, too. Must run in the pseudo-family.]

I'd rather die from Mom's fake blood disease than be infected with his crazy. So, yeah. I don't even pin bugs, anymore.

...What do you do for a hobby?

Chase the live ones and see if they'll crawl on me. Then let them go. Because that's what you're supposed to do.

...You need a cat. or a dog. Or a hamster. I have a hamster. ....It was supposed to help with my anger issues.

I like my bugs, though. I wish they were bigger, sometimes, so I could hug them...but. I guess they don't really want to be hugged, either. I have to respect that.

I hardly know how to take care of myself, though. I'd probably kill anything else, without even trying to.

You ought to go to New York at some point. You could have as many bugs as you want. Lord knows the city would love it if somebody took them of their hands. I woke up with a roach on my chest one night in my old apartment. Scared the hell out of me.

New York? That's so far away, though. ...But I think that's where my great-grandparents are from. I think.

Roaches! My dad never really let me keep any, here. He always "took care of them", on his own.

...Sorry, doll, but I don't know half of what you're going on about up there.

Oh. Sorry. Um, it wasn't anything, really. Just...trying to figure things out. About, you know, how to keep being me when other people are...me...too...I guess this isn't really helping.

No, I understand now that ya put it in plain English.

There's nothing wrong with talkin' to yourself a bit, though.

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((ooc fact: t and i were just having that conversation, last night, about shi'd be the virgin :p))

[XD. It makes sense! Although it's kind of sad and puts an interesting spin on the other deaths]]

((pavi & luigi as the fools, amber as the whore...and that was about where the archetypes stopped))

[I kind of got inspired right now to write out some feels on it on tumblr. been enabled to this guy]

((i saw! as soon as i nab myself something to drink, i'm gonna sit down and read 'em. :D))

Shiny. ;3

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always want to tag her with Hoffman. D:

uncle mark! ♥

<3

<3

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