Long time no see, muse. 8D;

[punishedbygods]

Oh, I'm sorry. I seem to have deleted your personnel file from the record. It's a typical reaction of mine, when certain people abandon the simplest of their short list of responsibilities. Not that I'm one to judge, but given the fact that they were fairly simple to begin with, that's kind of sad. But don't take it personally. It's just an efficiency thing.

But while we're here catching up, what could you possibly do with me anyway? You're certainly not educated enough to feign adequacy at science. You're not focused enough to finish an application. Really, when you think about it, it's far more rational to pretend this meeting never happened.

Also, giving your friend helpful hints while she's testing is only hurting her performance in the long run. Because I can't imagine how well she'll test if I've silenced you with the neurotoxin. That means stop interfering with science, just in case that isn't coming in so clear.

Knowing you, it wasn't.

Comments

[pocketsurgeon]

Vat kind of tests?

[Not even going to blink that he's talking to a giant robot.]

[punishedbygods]

[And GLaDOS here will just swivel that glaring yellow optic your way~!]

The sort of tests that involve the Aperture Handheld Portal Device, as well as the sort of tests most humans whine about if they're too difficult. Or if they end up catching fire. Or if they end up riddled with bullet wounds from the turrets.

After a while I tend to tune out, really.

[pocketsurgeon]

Zat sounds like a typical day on ze battlefield. I vas hoping for somezing slightly more scientific.

[punishedbygods]

Frankly, our testing cycles have furthered the reaches of conventional technology by centuries. I'm in it for nothing but the science.

Just think of the mishaps of the test subjects as an entertaining little bonus.

[That optic glows for a second.]

Although I'm not entirely at liberty to discuss Aperture's directives with people who don't seem to be in my files.

[pocketsurgeon]

If you are only testing how long people can be shot viz bullets oder be on fire zen you are not really adding anyzing ja? More like just reaffirming vat ve already know.

Unless you are adding some sort of .. Vait. Vat files? Vy vould I be ein your files?

[punishedbygods]

Oh, our tests certainly run deeper than that. Violence isn't particularly the goal of testing as much as it's just a bonus. I already have plenty of data on what humans can withstand and how loud humans scream when they step into rooms full of deadly lasers.

My personnel files. I do like to keep track of the people I may encounter here, just in case they're somehow loosely tied to certain fat orphaned sociopaths I may know.

[pocketsurgeon]

Und zat sort of research ist beneficial how exactly?

[punishedbygods]

Oh, I would have thought refining the technology for traversing inter-dimensional gateways would be beneficial for refining our understanding of physics. But that could just be me. After all, I'm only the most massive collection of scientific wisdom on the planet. What do I know?

But again, I'm not usually entirely at liberty to discuss Aperture's directives to complete strangers.

[And her optic is focused right on you. :x ]

[pocketsurgeon]

Inter-dimensional gateways? Vat are you talking about? Ve don't haff zhose. Und you are not .. ze most .. collection of...

[Staring. Be wary GLaDOS, you may very soon have a Medic attached to your face trying to wring all that scientific knowledge out of you with his bare hands.]

[punishedbygods]

[Oh she's got neurotoxin emitters for that. As well as turrets. And rockets. And giant massive claws. We'll see if that helps her at all. 8Db;]

I'm afraid most of that's classified. The last time it wasn't, let's just say that... well, society collapsed. Which would usually be more fun for me, if it didn't mean fewer test subjects.

[pocketsurgeon]

Society collapsed because you shared your scientific knowledge? Zat doesn't make any sense!

Vat are you even made of?

[Strolling right up to the giant robot like a boss.]

[punishedbygods]

More like the knowledge was stolen, and used to open a dimensional tear that hostile aliens used to their advantage. If you happen to see anyone from Black Mesa here, be sure to thank them for dooming most of humanity.

As for my materials, I'm constructed of the finest alloys that allow all Aperture machinations to remain functional at 400 kelvin. And at the very least, I was able to resume regular functions after being torn apart and thrown into an incinerator.

I would ask the same of you, but from where I'm standing I more than likely know the answer.

You're very curious, aren't you?

[Just... watching. B| Like a 'bot.]

[pocketsurgeon]

400 kelvin? Vere are you functioning zat heat of zat intensity ist even required?

[Walking around in order to study the giant robot from all angles. This is all so fascinating.]

I haff nicht heard of Black Mesa oder Aperture eizer. Zey are corporations zat compete ja? Or ist it somezing else?

[punishedbygods]

Technically, I was only functioning miles upon miles underground. But I guess the scientists foresaw me getting ripped into pieces and being thrown into an incinerator. I'll give them that, that's one of two things they did right at the end.

[The other right thing being neurotoxin inhalation. :|a; ]

Aperture Science is a scientific conglomerate of sorts, yes. Black Mesa on the other hand... well, they try. But really, I suppose at the end of the day they have a nice corner on the market if you consider stealing technology and products in an attempt to compete with us a business. Most wouldn't, because they would call that immoral. And look where that got us.

[And a recording of sarcastic, slow clapping will echo around the chamber.]

Oh good, that's still online.

[pocketsurgeon]

It does nicht sound like morals are your top priority eizer. So ..

[He stands back rubbing his chin with one hand while he analyzes the situation here.]

You are some sort of robot who stores vast amounts of scientific data for a company called Aperture who ist competing viz anozer company called Black Mesa who ist stealing your proprietary technology. Und you run tests vich are more like torture ein order to fulfill some sort of goal viz a product zat causes temporal disturbances. Und somehow zis caused ze collapse of society?

But how are you still functioning zen if everyzzing collapsed? Vere ist ze electricity coming from? Unless you function off something else...

[Better move or he's going to try and climb you to find out.]