(no subject)

[thearseman]

All right, mate, now you look here. I put up with a lot of shit, and I do mean a lot, but... no. Just no. That is really going too far. Here. Here is a line. I'm drawing one, in the sand, and you... you my friend, you aren't going to cross it. You got that?

I mean, come on. Have you really thought this through? Think about it. Are you really ready to reduce a man of my complexities to a game? 'Cause I have to tell you, I don't think you are. No offence, or anything, but you just aren't there yet. You haven't even thought what colour you want me label yet, whatever that means. Let alone anything else.

Now, all right, I know you're pretty set on all this, but there's no need for you to get upset over it. Unlike you, I've been thinking. I've come up with a compromise. How about that, then?

So, here's the deal. You get to apply the whiny little bastard who lives inside me, and I stay right where I am. That's more than fair, I reckon. Less pressure on the both of us, in't there?

Comments

[awkwards]

Would you have listened if I told you?

[thearseman]

Yes. I would. All it would've took was a simple note. You could've done it on here.

"Dear Rudy,

Don't go posting these helpful ideas to your mun, 'cause he's not going to listen. He's just not.

All My Love,
Alisha"

You see? Easy. Then I'd have just lain back, done nothing, and he'd have forgotten me. And we wouldn't have had any of this hassle, now, would we?

[awkwards]

[ she rolls her eyes. ] Fine.

Dear Rudy, don't be a dickhead. Piss off, Alisha.

Better? Now it's not my fault if you do something stupid.

[thearseman]

Dear Alisha, I was not being a dickhead. I was actually being quite helpful, so there's no need to get all moody. Love, Rudy.

You should always sign your letters with some love. Makes whoever's getting them feel a bit less upset about whatever it is you've wrote.

[awkwards]

Dear Rudy, Does being helpful include getting us thrown back into community service? Fuck yourself, you're quite capable, Alisha.

Nothing I've written is upsetting. It's not my fault if you're sensitive.

[thearseman]

Dear Alisha, I thought they was going to let you off. I said I was sorry loads of times. I'd gladly fuck myself, but me cock isn't big enough, and it turns out me other self is a whiny little bastard who can make your cock go limp as soon as look at it. Love, Rudy.

[awkwards]

Dear Rudy, Maybe you should think twice before getting into a car that isn't yours, yeah? And you're a massive pervert. You saying you're not attractive? No love, Alisha.

[thearseman]

All right, all right... can we drop this letter thing? You're just not getting it.

I could say the same to you, love. It weren't your car, were it? And I am attractive. I'm saying he's just too moany to get laid by anyone. He moans, constantly, and he tries to get girls to go to the clinic before they have sex with him. Or before they have sex with me, sometimes. It's really embarrassing.

[awkwards]

[ lmfao stop making points her laugh. ]

Whereas you fuck anyone who will make your dick fall off?

[thearseman]

Hey. Hey, now. That happened once. And only once. And it's not going to happen again. All right?

[awkwards]

[ she arches an eyebrow. ]

Maybe you should think about taking a girl out for dinner before you shag her, yeah? Might stop that little thing from dropping off.

[thearseman]

Look. No one could've predicted that were going to happen. Except your boyfriend, who tried his hardest to make sure my cock stayed right where it was. None of the rest of you so much as raised a finger, so I really don't think you've got any room to talk.

And besides that, my cock is not little. It's not. And I know that you know that is really not an accurate assessment of it.

[awkwards]

Maybe because you don't have one? [ /shot. ]

What would the accurate assessment be, then?

[thearseman]

Erm, excuse me. I do actually have one, and you should know since you've seen it.

It's about average, in't it? I'd say the bigger end of average if I'm completely honest. It's nothing to get on me high horse about, but it's not like I've got something to be ashamed of, either.

[awkwards]

[ la la la la la fingers in her ears. ]

It's not like you know how to use it, anyway. Can't say I walked away satisfied. [ why is she talking about this? why is she talking about this? ]

[thearseman]

I was a virgin! Of course I didn't know how to use it.

I can assure you, I am much improved, and if you weren't with Simon then I would be more than happy to show you what I've learned since then.

[awkwards]

[ bloody virgins. all they can do is whine. is she talking to rudy 2.0? ]

I think I'll take your word - [ wait, wrong move. ] - I'll pass, yeah? [ major deadpan. ] I'll miss out on the greatest sex I'll ever have because of Simon.

[thearseman]

[No, this is the real deal.]

Right. And that is terrible. That is absolutely tragic. I'm sorry for you. I really am.

[awkwards]

I think I'll live.

[ ... ]

You coming to this shit hole or what?

[thearseman]

Looks that way, yeah.

sjdkfljskd yay!

[awkwards]

[ alisha sighs. ] Your mun's an idiot. Don't do dumb shit and listen to me when you get in here, yeah?

Just got to get on with app writing...

[thearseman]

Like you need to tell me that. I know he's an idiot. I'm inside his head.

Now, why exactly should I be listening to you? I am more than capable of making right decisions on me own.

do i get to threaten you?

[awkwards]

You are him. [ HUFF.

here, her tone gets firmer. listen to her, rudy. ] Because this place is fucking dangerous, alright? We've already lost Kelly and you before. And people die here.

No. :|

[thearseman]

No, I'm not. That's like saying the other me's me.

People die. Oh, well, that's just fantastic, isn't it? You know what? Your mun's a dick for talking mine into this.

:( i can never have any fun.

[awkwards]

[ she wants to slap him. ]

You're a dick for not listening! [ she agrees, btw. ] People fucking die. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, yeah? You can't be a complete twat when you get here. People are dangerous.

[ why is she even trying to look out for you? ]

... Your mun is an idiot for listening.