wyhgfws what am I even--

[olderbutnotwiseler]

[Have a Once-ler, Dear Mun. He's working that green suit, but rather older than you might expect despite lying icons that lie, with some of his hair just starting to turn grey.]

What is it with you? Do you seriously think this is a good idea?

I mean, I get why you'd want to associate with the most successful businessman and environmentalist in the world - who wouldn't - but that means I'm a very busy man.

Now, I've got a board meeting to get you and, believe me, it would be easier to herd barbaloots and get them all playing the same card game than organise those guys, so I'd appreciate some time to prepare.

[Why, yes, AU Once-ler is rather AU.]

Comments

[olderbutnotwiseler]

...Huh.

Well.

Good for you, I guess.

[hair_loopies]

I guess.

So what kind of business are you in?

1/2

[olderbutnotwiseler]

The business of Thneeds, of course!

2/2

[olderbutnotwiseler]

...Which I guess you also won't have heard of.

[hair_loopies]

Correct!

[olderbutnotwiseler]

[You are killing his pride, Katara. Can't you hear it moan and shriek as it enters the death throes?]

And here I thought the Once-ler and Thneeds were known the world over!

I wonder how much it costs to advertise in the South Pole...

[hair_loopies]

So what is a Thneed?

[olderbutnotwiseler]

A fine thing that all people need!

[hair_loopies]

That doesn't really clear things up.

[olderbutnotwiseler]

But it's enough to make you realise you want one, right, little lady?

[hair_loopies]

Not really.

[olderbutnotwiseler]

Oh, but wouldn't you just hate to be behind the times? Believe me, every single one of my customers has blessed the day they decided to invest in a highly-functional, multi-purpose Thneed!

[He whips one out from... somewhere... and displays it proudly.]

There! Just look at that! Guaranteed to keep you snug and warm in the barren, frozen wastes of the South Pole - or, conversely, keep the burning sun of our less ice-bound lands from ruining your delicate complexion!

[hair_loopies]

Looks like somebody had trouble knitting a sweater.

[olderbutnotwiseler]

[At one time, that would have upset him--

Okay, wait, no, it still kind of upsets him.

He just knows better than to let it show now.]

Don't worry. It's perfectly natural to be overwhelmed by the pure perfection of a Thneed when you set eyes on one for the first time.

[hair_loopies]

I'm sorry, I just don't see the use.

Sorry this took so long

[olderbutnotwiseler]

[Oh, come on, he knows he just gave a brilliant sales pitch.]

What about if I give you a discount? Given that you're a first-time buyer and in desperate need of a Thneed!

Did I mention that this is a luxury item?

Np!

[hair_loopies]

Well, what else can it do?

[olderbutnotwiseler]

Well, on an aesthetic level, it's a fashionable accessory for any occasion! It can be a scarf, a hat, a shawl, a wrap, or even a belt if you so wished!

[He's really getting into his stride now and it's making him all nostalgic. Really, how long has it been since he last delivered a sales pitch himself?]

Practically? Well, as well as the benefits I already mentioned - to remind you; as a heat-conserving and cooling device, regarding the temperate and method of application--!

[Minute pause for breath.]

I guarantee it will be the warmest and most eco-friendly blanket you could possibly use! Plus it makes a fantastic conversation piece for around the home! Can you just imagine what a statement it would make to have a Thneed spread over your couch or hung over a doorway as a handy divider curtain?

Really, the possibilities are endless!