wyhgfws what am I even--

[olderbutnotwiseler]

[Have a Once-ler, Dear Mun. He's working that green suit, but rather older than you might expect despite lying icons that lie, with some of his hair just starting to turn grey.]

What is it with you? Do you seriously think this is a good idea?

I mean, I get why you'd want to associate with the most successful businessman and environmentalist in the world - who wouldn't - but that means I'm a very busy man.

Now, I've got a board meeting to get you and, believe me, it would be easier to herd barbaloots and get them all playing the same card game than organise those guys, so I'd appreciate some time to prepare.

[Why, yes, AU Once-ler is rather AU.]

Comments

[hair_loopies]

What's a barbaloot?

[olderbutnotwiseler]

A little critter that likes to eat Truffula tree fruit and get where it's not supposed to.

What are they teaching you kids these days if you don't know things like that?

[hair_loopies]

Never heard of Truffula trees...

My Gran-Gran taught me all sorts of things, if that's what you mean.

[olderbutnotwiseler]

...How can you have never heard of Truffula trees?

[hair_loopies]

Well, I still have a lot to explore beyond the South Pole.

[olderbutnotwiseler]

You live -- really?

Wow, I didn't know anyone could live all the way down there. Isn't it supposed to be too cold?

[He... Feels like he should know this but so many environmental causes that want the Once-ler stamp of approval, he just cannot remember them all off the top of his head. Besides, the whispers about climate change are more to do with the ice caps themselves than what's living there.]

[hair_loopies]

...No?

[olderbutnotwiseler]

...Huh.

Well.

Good for you, I guess.

[hair_loopies]

I guess.

So what kind of business are you in?

1/2

[olderbutnotwiseler]

The business of Thneeds, of course!

2/2

[olderbutnotwiseler]

...Which I guess you also won't have heard of.

[hair_loopies]

Correct!

[olderbutnotwiseler]

[You are killing his pride, Katara. Can't you hear it moan and shriek as it enters the death throes?]

And here I thought the Once-ler and Thneeds were known the world over!

I wonder how much it costs to advertise in the South Pole...

[hair_loopies]

So what is a Thneed?

[olderbutnotwiseler]

A fine thing that all people need!

[hair_loopies]

That doesn't really clear things up.

[olderbutnotwiseler]

But it's enough to make you realise you want one, right, little lady?

[hair_loopies]

Not really.

[olderbutnotwiseler]

Oh, but wouldn't you just hate to be behind the times? Believe me, every single one of my customers has blessed the day they decided to invest in a highly-functional, multi-purpose Thneed!

[He whips one out from... somewhere... and displays it proudly.]

There! Just look at that! Guaranteed to keep you snug and warm in the barren, frozen wastes of the South Pole - or, conversely, keep the burning sun of our less ice-bound lands from ruining your delicate complexion!

[hair_loopies]

Looks like somebody had trouble knitting a sweater.

[olderbutnotwiseler]

[At one time, that would have upset him--

Okay, wait, no, it still kind of upsets him.

He just knows better than to let it show now.]

Don't worry. It's perfectly natural to be overwhelmed by the pure perfection of a Thneed when you set eyes on one for the first time.

[hair_loopies]

I'm sorry, I just don't see the use.

Sorry this took so long

[olderbutnotwiseler]

[Oh, come on, he knows he just gave a brilliant sales pitch.]

What about if I give you a discount? Given that you're a first-time buyer and in desperate need of a Thneed!

Did I mention that this is a luxury item?

Np!

[hair_loopies]

Well, what else can it do?

[olderbutnotwiseler]

Well, on an aesthetic level, it's a fashionable accessory for any occasion! It can be a scarf, a hat, a shawl, a wrap, or even a belt if you so wished!

[He's really getting into his stride now and it's making him all nostalgic. Really, how long has it been since he last delivered a sales pitch himself?]

Practically? Well, as well as the benefits I already mentioned - to remind you; as a heat-conserving and cooling device, regarding the temperate and method of application--!

[Minute pause for breath.]

I guarantee it will be the warmest and most eco-friendly blanket you could possibly use! Plus it makes a fantastic conversation piece for around the home! Can you just imagine what a statement it would make to have a Thneed spread over your couch or hung over a doorway as a handy divider curtain?

Really, the possibilities are endless!

I just want to say, this AU sounds amazing.

[saito_style]

Unfortunately, I think your life is going to be fairly different now, with your mun around.

Eeeee, thank you! I was beginning to wonder if it was scaring people away.

[olderbutnotwiseler]

Between being stuck in her so-called 'headspace' and being forced to listen to all the ways she wants to ruin my life... Yeah, I'm getting that impression.

Ahh, some people just shy away from AUs. Believe me, I know. |D

[saito_style]

I doubt it'll be all bad. Heck, depending on the "furnishings" of your mun's headspace, you may even get the living quarters you're used to, in your own little corner.

Oh well! I still get a kick out of playing him. :3

[olderbutnotwiseler]

Huh. That might not be so bad. I haven't really looked beyond the... I guess you'd call it a communal area.

Although I'm pretty sure it's still going to be all but impossible to work from this place and if I leave my company alone for more than five minutes everyone goes to pieces.

That's cool ^^ That's what counts!

[saito_style]

Well... [He folds his arms, thinking.] Let's see, how would the others put this. Look at it as a new business opportunity, and your headspacemates as potential customers.

[olderbutnotwiseler]

[That makes him brighten up somewhat; if there's one thing that's eternal in the Once-ler, it's the desire for new business opportunities.]

That's a good point! I guess it could be something to pass the time, at least. They don't really seem all that open to the delights I can offer, but a challenge is part of what makes it all fun!

[saito_style]

That's true. And it's a start at least, right?

[olderbutnotwiseler]

Right!

[He rubs his hands together, enthusiasm building, before reality hits home again.]

...I do have to find a way to get home, though. My business - my family - there are a lot of people who are relying on me. People I can't leave behind.

[saito_style]

I wish I had an answer for that one, aside from the possibility of getting used to living a double life- one in the headspace, and one in whatever expression of your universe your mun's got. Like for me, it's both IM RP and the game I'm in.

In the end, it could be worse anyway.