dear_mun | Canon is Only Fools And Horses: On Upcoming Flood

[Meet Roy Slater, who's perpetually grumpy and fed up.] Right dream come true for you, innit? Practically since the first time you've picked me up as one of your bleedin' 'muses', [muses being more spat than said.] you've wanted this. And it's not like you're part of the Derek Trotter fan club anyway. I mean, you coulda picked him up without no bother, couldn't ya?

It would have been even easier too, wouldn't it? I mean, like you said: he's much more gregarious than me, an' he doesn't even know what that means!

[He's not impressed by the counterargument.] You can cut that right now. Never needed redemption me. What was the end plan for this anyway? Spend what, ten years as a goodie-two-shoes before kicking the bucket again? Not to mention that I've pulled the 'I've turned good, no, this time it's true! Really!' bit more than once and you had me die of 'natural causes'! I'm already falling apart, aren't I?

[Sighs.] Listen, luv. I appreciate the effort. I'd, ya know, appreciate it one hell of a lot more if it didn't include turning me into a girl or Del Boy or a pirate or Sweep, but... call it Stockholm, all right? But I don't see how this is gonna help me, at all.

Just don't let him near my diaries. [A pause and a roll of the eyes as he realises that is exactly what's going to happen.]