dear_mun | regarding canon

You might not be, but.. honestly that's what I like about you. [ He smiles. ] She's smart, but she doesn't quite... get it. You saw how she tried to organise my files. She's smart, but you're brilliant. I'd rather have you in the lab than trying to assassinate HYDRA agents, anyway.

And for the record, you're more than succeeding. You've reminded us how useless we were without you.

[ He hugs her again and rests his head on hers. ]

I'm glad to have you back. You know.. all the way back.

[Very quickly.] Well, Bobbi... she's just got different... systems. It's not the worst thing, but between us yours are better. [She's also smiling by the time she says that last part.] But I'd rather be there, too. It's... this sounds foolish, but it's one of the only places that feels like home anymore. A point of consistency.

[She sighs a bit.]

I'm glad, too. It's... it's one thing, at least, that isn't wrong.

[ It's nice to have his idiosyncrasies validated and he nods a point of concession to her. ]

Thank you. And for the record, it's not foolish. I felt the same way going through therapy. They tried to keep me out of the lab at first, try to let my brain recover on its own... I nearly had to beg to get back in so I could do something with my hands. Be useful... Thank goodness Coulson knew me well enough to let me back in before it came to that.

[ He frowns a little. ]

..What do you mean by, 'wrong'? If it's... all right to ask, anyway.

[She returns the nod, because, for all that she still hero-worships Bobbi a bit, she's always going to side with him about things like that. She just is. Their styles match, and they've done for so long it's hard to think there'd be any other option.

She bites her lip. That's still one of her least favorite things to think about, that time, but also, it means he's better-equipped to understand what she's on about right now, and that... well, it's really helpful.] It's like, this is a place that, no matter what else, there's something I, you, something that either of us could do. It might be small, but it's familiar. It helps.

[She wrinkles her nose. She really wasn't going to go exploding all of this at him, she really wasn't, but here goes.]

I don't mind. It's just -- what I've been saying, sort of? Where it feels like I can't necessarily help or take care of anything? And then add to that all the things that keep piling up, the whole mess with Andrew, Bobbi and Hunter going, everything with the Inhumans and I want to help but I don't actually know how, it... you see what I mean?

The fact that we're... [A small, friendly shrug.] That's not hopeless or horrible. It's nice.

[ Fitz listens. It's nice to be able to have rapport with her, someone who understands him as well as she does and he can easily know where she's coming from and how she got to her conclusions. He doesn't mind the explosion of thoughts, just happy she's finally talking about it at all makes him feel good, more hopeful for her. ]

I do. It's like.. we're in a pie-eating contest we never signed up for, but can't back out of. So we just keep eating and eating and they just keep bringing more pies. [ He sighs and pushes a hand through his hair. ] And it doesn't help that we don't have all of the information yet, and there's really no way to get more for now, so.. yes, it's frustrating, but the work you've done on It so far.. it's beyond brilliant.

[They understand each other in a way nobody else can -- not always, of course, but when they do, it's wonderful. It's useful and it's comforting.]

Exactly. And we keep thinking we're going to choke, or... or something. [She hums in agreement.] Thank you. Thinking about It makes me sick but I can... I can at least help that way. I need to.

I.. don't like thinking about It, either.. Not once I've seen what it does to people..

[ He looks apologetic. There wasn't anything that could have been done for Will, but still, he somehow felt responsible because it took so long. ]

Just... don't try to take it all on yourself, okay? You're not working alone. We're all behind you.

No. It's more horrible than anything I could have even imagined.

[If he feels responsible, she feels criminally negligent. But -- what happened happened, and all they can really do is move forward from it and learn. It's nasty business, that; she's probably never going to forgive herself entirely. But it's motivation, too. She's got to do this because otherwise it will have all been for naught, or something.

Fitz does make a good point, though. (He often does.)] I'm trying to remember that. Thank you.

[She doesn't just mean for this.]

Edited 2016-04-17 21:21 (UTC)

[ She doesn't have to say anything and he understands. His look morphs into a smile, which leads into another brief, gentle hug. ]

Don't worry about it. You're my best friend, Jemma.. If I can't be here for you and help you with things, then I'm not a very good friend, am I?

[ Mostly he just wanted to make her burden as light as possible while she figured things out. It was hard, because he of all people knew how important it was to be independent as well. ]

[Right now, she's perfectly happy to go along with any and all affection. Now that it's happening she's not even bothering to pretend she doesn't need it, because, of course, she does.]

Well, you are. Helping. And I'm not worrying about that, but I'd rather say it than not. It's important that you know.

[In large part because, well, in their lives -- not saying something once might mean it never gets heard. She's not exactly full-on fatalistic, but better safe than sorry when it's meaningful.]

[ He understands, and he nods along with her. ]

Good. I worry sometimes because I'm not always... great at helping.

[ Not that he had much reason to worry with Jemma, but he definitely didn't want to upset her at all. ]

So what do you think now? I hope you still aren't upset with yourself.

[She sighs a bit. It would be a lie to say he's never upset her in the past, but there's no reason it'd happen now. He's definitely not doing now.]

Sometimes I think you know what I need better than I know myself.

[Because that's how it is. Either they're clashing or it's simple and perfect.

Nonetheless, she shrugs a bit.] I don't think I'm going to entirely stop being upset with myself for a long time. But I'm better. I think sometimes I just, I need reminded I'm not... you know.

[Really, what she means is she needs talked down from a ledge, but that's too morbid to say.]

It's fine to be upset with yourself.. but try to remember that it's a starting point, not a destination. I'm not saying forget it, but you need to try to move past it. Some mistakes were made, but you weren't malicious about it, and I think as long as you don't act with an evil heart, I don't think anyone can truly blame you for any of it.

Acknowledge things you might've done wrong and try to make better decisions. That's all anyone can really ask of you, and I think that's all anyone wants.

Yeah.

[She takes a moment to really let that sink in. It's times like these when Fitz is sort of her rational brain, the voice of what she needs to hear but her emotions don't want to let her. It helps, it really does.]

I think the hardest part about trying is waiting. Things like this, I always remember how bloody impatient I can be sometimes. [She tries to smile, like it's funny, but it isn't, not really.]

Well, no one likes to wait, but I think.. I think that everyone's willing to wait with you, Jemma, and until that time, they'll give you the benefit of the doubt because they love you.

[ He gives a little smile. ]

You're not a bad person. You're just.. a person, and people make mistakes. We all have. Lord, our team especially. The only thing you can do for now is just remember that things will have the opportunity to let you correct your mistakes, or at least not make them again. Until then, I'm sure you can think of other ways to rebuild the trust and confidence you think you might've lost. Just.. don't go overboard and work yourself to death. That's the last thing we need.

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