dear_mun | regarding canon

No one is blaming you for anything. It's not your fault because you're not responsible for it.

...You don't actually think that, do you?

[She sounds almost sullen when she finally replies, but it's all inwardly directed.]

Sometimes, yes. [Most of the time.] I don't know what anyone else feels, but I feel... [She shrugs helplessly. Wretched. Is how.]

[ He frowns. He'd certainly never blamed her for anything that happened. He'd blamed himself plenty of times for not being able to be there for someone he cares so much about. If she felt useless, he felt below that. ]

Well, I can tell you right now that no one is upset with you. No one thinks you're to blame, and no one hates you. I think... we're just all glad to have you back to work.

We missed you.

[She curls in on herself a bit. Because - she's glad. But...]

I'm glad too. I like being able to do something. I just... it's -

[She's felt this way much longer than he might think. She's so tired.]

I'll be fine. I'm just worrying.

[Lies.]

[ he thinks for a moment and settles in next to her, pulling her into a hug. ]

We're all worried. It's all right. You're doing brilliantly. Much better than I did when I wasn't.. at my best.

[ He offers a smile. ]

We're all behind you. Especially me. If they never gave up on me, there's no way they're going to give up on you, so please, Jemma. Don't worry so much, and don't be so hard on yourself.

[She collapses right into it, sighing but somewhat contentedly. Even if she doesn't believe him entirely a hug goes a long way toward helping.]

It's so kind of you to say that. All of it.

[Deep breaths. She's not sure if this is worth it to confess but what is it really going to do?]

It goes beyond just hard on myself sometimes. I should be dead. I wonder, would that be...? I don't know. Forgive my histrionics.

[ He rubs her arm and places a chaste kiss atop her head. He's never been very good at this kind of thing, but it's about all he can offer, since she's not really looking for solutions. ]

There's nothing to apologise for. And.. please, Don't say you should be dead. [ He frowns and squeezes her. ] You've proven you're better than that. If you weren't capable.. maybe you would be. But look at you. You're still here.

I'm sorry. I... I just think these awful things and I don't know what to do with them.

[She sighs and sinks into him a bit.]

That's... that's why I feel like I have to do something, I think? Like I must have... I must be here, still, for a reason?

[ He just rubs her arm, unable to think of anything really meaningful to say for a few moments. ]

Well... You're still here because there are still people who need you. You're too brilliant to just... fade away. And you have done things, amazing things. Just because you aren't kicking people in the teeth or have super powers... it doesn't mean you're useless.

[This actually succeeds at making her smile, though in an odd, rueful kind of way. It's a start, though.]

There should have been a class in this. How to handle personal insecurities that stem from being the least... ass-kicking... ish on your team. Or something more technical than that.

[A bit more thoughtfully. Might as well go full confessional.]

I'm just so tired of seeing everyone else in pain and not being able to help fix it. Sometimes it seems like I make it worse when I try.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

[ He'd spent his fair share of time feeling completely helpless and useless, and actually some of that time was hindering things as well. It's something he can empathise with with no problems. ]

Our team situation is... not typical of how things used to be. Coulson set this up special. Situations like ours.. or how they used to be were usually just for one-off operations. Never meant to be long term. There's no precident for any of this. If it makes you feel any better, you'll still probably be able to kick way more arse than me soon. I'm not as good of a shot anymore. Not that I was ever stellar, but I got a few good hits in.

...y'know. For when I have I'm sorry.

[Hurt things she means. Because she's been kicking herself for... what seems like forever, honestly. She says otb quietly but she means it.]

You're right, of course. [She shakes her head.] I just... you know me. I panic. I'm panicking. Sort of perpetually. [She reaches to rub his arm affectionately.] You did!

[ He gives a bit of a crooked smile and shrugs ]

It's.. fine. I want you to do better than me. I like making weapons, not firing them, anyway.

And it's perfectly fine to panic sometimes. But.. if you let yourself stay that way, it's... it's not good for you. Our bodies aren't meant to be under that much stress for that much time. I just don't want you worrying yourself literally sick is all.

[In a rush, almost secretive.] I don't like firing them either. Not really. I like knowing I won't fumble, or having better odds, but...

[She shrugs, shy almost.]

I'll try. I hate feeling like an invalid.

[ He can't help but laugh a little. It's nice that they haven't deviated all that far from one another after all. ]

Believe me.. I know what that feels like, and believe me when I say you're just as much an asset as ever. We were hobbled without you, you know.

Well, I mean, Bobbi did her best but.. She was no Jemma Simmons.

[Jemma and Fitz have been through about a thousand things that have taken them farther apart since they joined this team, but at the end of the day, they're still probably some kind of soulmates. Maybe not the traditional, romantic kind, now or ever, but some kind.

They'll never be that far apart.]

Thank you. I mean, being fair I'm no Bobbi Morse, either... [This too is a sore spot, but at least she's only sad, not guilty about that, too. She just really misses Bobbi.] but I'm trying to help, at least how I can. I'm glad I'm succeeding inn your eyes.

You might not be, but.. honestly that's what I like about you. [ He smiles. ] She's smart, but she doesn't quite... get it. You saw how she tried to organise my files. She's smart, but you're brilliant. I'd rather have you in the lab than trying to assassinate HYDRA agents, anyway.

And for the record, you're more than succeeding. You've reminded us how useless we were without you.

[ He hugs her again and rests his head on hers. ]

I'm glad to have you back. You know.. all the way back.

[Very quickly.] Well, Bobbi... she's just got different... systems. It's not the worst thing, but between us yours are better. [She's also smiling by the time she says that last part.] But I'd rather be there, too. It's... this sounds foolish, but it's one of the only places that feels like home anymore. A point of consistency.

[She sighs a bit.]

I'm glad, too. It's... it's one thing, at least, that isn't wrong.

[ It's nice to have his idiosyncrasies validated and he nods a point of concession to her. ]

Thank you. And for the record, it's not foolish. I felt the same way going through therapy. They tried to keep me out of the lab at first, try to let my brain recover on its own... I nearly had to beg to get back in so I could do something with my hands. Be useful... Thank goodness Coulson knew me well enough to let me back in before it came to that.

[ He frowns a little. ]

..What do you mean by, 'wrong'? If it's... all right to ask, anyway.

[She returns the nod, because, for all that she still hero-worships Bobbi a bit, she's always going to side with him about things like that. She just is. Their styles match, and they've done for so long it's hard to think there'd be any other option.

She bites her lip. That's still one of her least favorite things to think about, that time, but also, it means he's better-equipped to understand what she's on about right now, and that... well, it's really helpful.] It's like, this is a place that, no matter what else, there's something I, you, something that either of us could do. It might be small, but it's familiar. It helps.

[She wrinkles her nose. She really wasn't going to go exploding all of this at him, she really wasn't, but here goes.]

I don't mind. It's just -- what I've been saying, sort of? Where it feels like I can't necessarily help or take care of anything? And then add to that all the things that keep piling up, the whole mess with Andrew, Bobbi and Hunter going, everything with the Inhumans and I want to help but I don't actually know how, it... you see what I mean?

The fact that we're... [A small, friendly shrug.] That's not hopeless or horrible. It's nice.

[ Fitz listens. It's nice to be able to have rapport with her, someone who understands him as well as she does and he can easily know where she's coming from and how she got to her conclusions. He doesn't mind the explosion of thoughts, just happy she's finally talking about it at all makes him feel good, more hopeful for her. ]

I do. It's like.. we're in a pie-eating contest we never signed up for, but can't back out of. So we just keep eating and eating and they just keep bringing more pies. [ He sighs and pushes a hand through his hair. ] And it doesn't help that we don't have all of the information yet, and there's really no way to get more for now, so.. yes, it's frustrating, but the work you've done on It so far.. it's beyond brilliant.

[They understand each other in a way nobody else can -- not always, of course, but when they do, it's wonderful. It's useful and it's comforting.]

Exactly. And we keep thinking we're going to choke, or... or something. [She hums in agreement.] Thank you. Thinking about It makes me sick but I can... I can at least help that way. I need to.

I.. don't like thinking about It, either.. Not once I've seen what it does to people..

[ He looks apologetic. There wasn't anything that could have been done for Will, but still, he somehow felt responsible because it took so long. ]

Just... don't try to take it all on yourself, okay? You're not working alone. We're all behind you.

No. It's more horrible than anything I could have even imagined.

[If he feels responsible, she feels criminally negligent. But -- what happened happened, and all they can really do is move forward from it and learn. It's nasty business, that; she's probably never going to forgive herself entirely. But it's motivation, too. She's got to do this because otherwise it will have all been for naught, or something.

Fitz does make a good point, though. (He often does.)] I'm trying to remember that. Thank you.

[She doesn't just mean for this.]

Edited 2016-04-17 21:21 (UTC)

[ She doesn't have to say anything and he understands. His look morphs into a smile, which leads into another brief, gentle hug. ]

Don't worry about it. You're my best friend, Jemma.. If I can't be here for you and help you with things, then I'm not a very good friend, am I?

[ Mostly he just wanted to make her burden as light as possible while she figured things out. It was hard, because he of all people knew how important it was to be independent as well. ]

[Right now, she's perfectly happy to go along with any and all affection. Now that it's happening she's not even bothering to pretend she doesn't need it, because, of course, she does.]

Well, you are. Helping. And I'm not worrying about that, but I'd rather say it than not. It's important that you know.

[In large part because, well, in their lives -- not saying something once might mean it never gets heard. She's not exactly full-on fatalistic, but better safe than sorry when it's meaningful.]

[ He understands, and he nods along with her. ]

Good. I worry sometimes because I'm not always... great at helping.

[ Not that he had much reason to worry with Jemma, but he definitely didn't want to upset her at all. ]

So what do you think now? I hope you still aren't upset with yourself.

[She sighs a bit. It would be a lie to say he's never upset her in the past, but there's no reason it'd happen now. He's definitely not doing now.]

Sometimes I think you know what I need better than I know myself.

[Because that's how it is. Either they're clashing or it's simple and perfect.

Nonetheless, she shrugs a bit.] I don't think I'm going to entirely stop being upset with myself for a long time. But I'm better. I think sometimes I just, I need reminded I'm not... you know.

[Really, what she means is she needs talked down from a ledge, but that's too morbid to say.]

It's fine to be upset with yourself.. but try to remember that it's a starting point, not a destination. I'm not saying forget it, but you need to try to move past it. Some mistakes were made, but you weren't malicious about it, and I think as long as you don't act with an evil heart, I don't think anyone can truly blame you for any of it.

Acknowledge things you might've done wrong and try to make better decisions. That's all anyone can really ask of you, and I think that's all anyone wants.

Yeah.

[She takes a moment to really let that sink in. It's times like these when Fitz is sort of her rational brain, the voice of what she needs to hear but her emotions don't want to let her. It helps, it really does.]

I think the hardest part about trying is waiting. Things like this, I always remember how bloody impatient I can be sometimes. [She tries to smile, like it's funny, but it isn't, not really.]

Well, no one likes to wait, but I think.. I think that everyone's willing to wait with you, Jemma, and until that time, they'll give you the benefit of the doubt because they love you.

[ He gives a little smile. ]

You're not a bad person. You're just.. a person, and people make mistakes. We all have. Lord, our team especially. The only thing you can do for now is just remember that things will have the opportunity to let you correct your mistakes, or at least not make them again. Until then, I'm sure you can think of other ways to rebuild the trust and confidence you think you might've lost. Just.. don't go overboard and work yourself to death. That's the last thing we need.

What would I do without you? [Sort of hyperbole. Sort of not.]

I think... having someone else to say all these things helps them stick. Does it make sense sense when I say my trust in myself is the hardest thing to get back?9

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