dear_mun | Comrades and presents? Also time for TRUE MEANING handschin face? pyrosittingdown ayyyy

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Comrades and presents? Also time for TRUE MEANING handschin face? pyrosittingdown ayyyy

Is it that time of the year where I can make fires and not get in trouble as much? Smissmas is soon. I wonder what sort of presents I should get everyone. Meat is a good present, yes? There isn't anybody who doesn't like a delicious steak or other delicious foods. Perhaps a BBQ is in order? Pretty sure I can handle that. I wonder what setting my flamethrower needs to be on to properly torch the meat. Things taste good a little burnt. That adds flavor if you ask me.

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Smissmas? You must mean SOCIALISMASS. Spoiled Childmass!

ALSO IT IS FAR TOO EARLY TO BE TALKING ABOUT SMISSMAS. Smissmas comes at roughly the end of the month maybe sometimes it comes sooner it kind of depends from year to year but my point is NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO TALK ABOUT SMISSMAS, SMOKEY.

Bestow that talk for at least another two weeks, Private!

Who is spoiled around here?

[She glances around despite there being no one else there and then taps a finger to her chin in thought.]

Do you mean all of us with our suitcases full of money? It would be pretty easy to fix that.

[By burning or buying the most awesome toys ever for every child within a 30 mile radius.]

Are you blind as well as a maggot, maggot? All of the children are spoiled! And they have been indoc... indet... BRAINWASHED into thinking like Communists! Not everyone deserves gifts just for not being a Nazi or a mass murderer or a Canadian! None of these kids today have earned the right to even earn the right to have gifts! It is a pile of hippy nonsense! The only thing those special snowflakes deserve for Smissmas is my boot across their asses!

Negatory, Private! None of us are spoiled! Except for Scout. That prissy little city boy has most definitely been coddled and pampered and spoiled his whole tiny life! It is disgusting. In fact, where is that-- Wait. You have suitcases of money?

[Everything he just said went over her head but she decided to nod to show she was listening.]

Scout is just a little one. He can't help it, I'm sure he'll grow up soon...

[Pyro could be considered a little one too but she wasn't going to bring that up. Sticking up for a comrade like Scout was brave enough.]

As for those suitcases, I thought everyone had them sir?

Hah! Scout could not grow up if his life depended on it. And it does! Often!

[She could be. But Soldier does not consider Pyro a little one. Probably because of all the fire. Little ones don't play with fire. Maybe.]

I don't even have a suitcase! Where are you getting them?

It was more a figure of speech but I bet Spy has suitcases of money.

[Scratching the back of her head, she laughs nervously. Soldier isn't someone she sees around here much so it's pretty intimidating to have a discussion with him.]

But everyone gets older. I would say it's obvious if you take one glance around at the rest of our team.

[Just don't look at her too hard. She's totally in her forties, yep. Totally not early twenties with a heavily scarred baby face that could be mistaken for someone still in high school, NOT AT ALL.]

Why would Spy keep money in suitcases? He is the only one I know who even owns a suit. Why he wouldn't keep those in suitcases... Hmm. Probably because he is Spy.

Growing up and getting older are two separate concepts, butter muffin! We, the MEN of the RED team have grown up and gotten old. Scout, on the other hand, will be ninety six and a half years old and still a boy.

But once you get old enough, doesn't your brain go with it? I bet Scout has things he is good at, like remembering all the names of those girls in the magazines where they have no clothes on.

[This is not the time to bring that up.]

[Why-- why is she asking him that? Soldier knows little about psychology and less about the ramifications of physiological growth on the human psyche. He can't even read the majority of those words!]

Pah! The only thing that Scout is good at is getting choked! By me! Okay, and running. But those two things do not make up for the fact that he is a pornography reading waste of space!

So naked women are unacceptable but naked men are better? It's probably his raging hormones... or that soda he drinks. I wouldn't want to think what he would do if those things didn't exist.

[She's looked at her fair share of nudie mags just to look like she's fitting in. Pyro would prefer reading comic books or cool sci-fi stuff.]

What? No. I did not say that! Naked women have their place, it is just not on a battlefield. Or distracting a soldier when he should be training for the battlefield. Or in magazines.

Hmph. Real men learn how to control raging hormones and don't drink sodas.

[Soldier has as well, but only because there happened to be a lot of nude ladies sandwiched in between war stories in magazines.

But he has since moved on from those things and now reads only the finest in glossy printed literature.]

[No soda? But soda is good, just not that kind Scout likes.]

You mean it would be better for Scout to be intoxicated on the job like our precious Demoman?

[Sorry, but she's staying away from the booze. A drunk Pyro is a Pyro susceptible to revealing her identity and being waaaaaaaaay too touchy touchy friendly. The irony of this conversation being about women and not having a place on the battlefield is too interesting for her not to prod the older man along.]

Only if he performed half as well as Demoman did. Do you think he would? Hmm. Maybe we should see if he can do even a half assed job when he is as drunk as Demoman. Or if he is even capable of standing.

Yes. This is a good plan, Private! We must put it into use as soon as possible!

[Of course, it will probably fail since Soldier can't seem to be in the same room as Scout for more than a few minutes before he is throttling the boy. But it's a nice thought.]

[Did she implant a plan into his head? More importantly, is she getting along with Soldier? This is a weird turn of events.]

Or he'll end up vomiting out all that excess soda along with the alcohol, sir.

Yeah, yeah... That is a possibility.

But I have a bucket! We will have little to fear if we make sure to keep it on hand!

Does it happen to be a bucket that also functions as a hat? I've been told that much has happened back home and that collecting hats is the newest thing. Frankly, I don't see the point of them as it just makes you an easier target to pick out for the Snipers.

The bucket has many functions. It can hold vomit. It can be a latrine. It can bail the blood out of a sinking warship full of your troops who are screaming, holding their guts in and weeping as Death himself comes for them. And it can be a helmet, too.

Not if they are blinded by their own stupid hats! And you say that now, but just you wait until you find your own hat. Then your tune will change, Smokey Joe. By God, your tune will change.

I might kind of have a hat. It's alive and likes to cling to my head and talk to me. It calls me mother. Hmm, where is he?

[Pulling the neck of her suit away from her, she then calls down into her chest.]

Jell-O! Hey! Can you come out of hiding? I need to introduce you to someone.

[Suddenly, there is a ton of shuffling and high-pitched squeaks. POP. A cute little blob with beady black eyes crawls out and heads to Pyro's shoulder. Placing a hand against the creature's head, she smiles.]

Jell-O this is my comrade Soldier.

[Jell-O extends a slimy little tentacle and offers to shake hands.]

Pyro, your standard issue mask is not considered a hat.

[Big surprise, the man who gets advice from dead presidents says absolutely nothing about a hat that is alive or calls Pyro mother. He does speak up though when she pulls out the collar of her suit and hollers down into whatever lies within the mysterious abyss of a Pyro's suit.]

Pyro, that is not where you are supposed to keep hats! Hats belong on your head or in your lock... Oh! Oh. Okay.

[Soldier is a little surprised by the wiggly green blob of goo, but he gets over that rather quickly and extends his thumb. (as it is unlikely that he will ever use that digit to pick his nose) to complete the... Tentacle shake? ]

I had a hat kind of like that. Except it was a maggot. In my brain. He was a good maggot. Did not get out much, but still a pretty good maggot.

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Comrades and presents? Also time for TRUE MEANING handschin face? pyrosittingdown ayyyy

no subject

i am laughing so hard at the title for name being in all caps you beautiful person

haha I didn't even realize that it cuts off. thank you <3

but it was endearing xD

It was a kind of Soldierly thing to do. getting so excited I forgot to proofread and all.

I am glad you are excited! Everyone here is pretty friendly. <3 I hope you have fun.

Already am, me hearty.

:D YAAAAY

no subject

Oh right, I have the perfect icon for this.

I like how every conversation we have ever had ends up being about nudery.

Because this a mature conversation between two adults who are totally not crazy.

You would be hard pressed to find two saner adults than we two!

no one is crazy here, totally sane. Some saner then others.

The absolute sanest!

yell at her, she doesn't like hats much this is unacceptable do you know what game you are from

how can anyone... but hats.. I don't even understand

she has a brain slug, thats all she needs

I always thought of that little goop as being like one of the Futurama brain slugs