with understanding, you won't let it cast you down

[biochemistry]

[Spoilers below in the form of incredibly anxious, possibly indirectly triggering ranting.]

I feel sick.  I feel sick to my stomach, sick in my heart knowing that I --

Every time I try to help, I just make things worse, because I'm too bloody selfish to keep from doing.  I dragged Fitz into the field because I couldn't stand the thought of going out and having these terrifying, thrilling adventures on my own, I pulled Fitz out of the ocean with me because I couldn't stand to think that I'd left him there even though I didn't think of what might happen to him, and sure it was all too fast to think, he made the decision for me but that's not an excuse, I still should have -- but I still can't -- and I offered to go on the mission at Hydra because I thought that it would be better if I just wasn't there so he could get better but that just made it worse and it made everything worse with everyone else too, I abandoned everyone because I was too sad to face them, and I said those things before I knew what had happened to Skye because I was so afraid that what happened to Trip would happen to her because I could barely handle losing him and I don't know what I'd do if I lost her and I'm still afraid, I'm still afraid that something will happen to her, something that I can't control and I can't fix and I said those things after I knew what had happened to Skye because I'm still so afraid and I don't want to push her, I love her, I just want to help her be comfortable with these things that she can't control and help her control them as much as possible -- and yes, I know, I'm a control freak, I have no right to, it's not my --

[Quieter.]

I'm used to fixing things, you know this.  I'm used to things being things I can fix, I'm used to being able to help, I'm used to being able to perform ocular surgery on Akela Amador and send her on her way and I'm used to being able to cute the alien disease raging through my body and I'm used to being able to help people like Audrey Nathan and I'm used to being able to -- I could do these things, these things that had a beginning, a middle, and an end, these things that I could do and they solved things, they -- they helped people.  There's nothing like that anymore.  I try to help and -- and -- I want to, I do, but when -- when there are things I'm not told and things I can't tell and I wanted to yell at Coulson, tell him he was making a mistake, that going off on her own wouldn't help Skye, not really, but I was too afraid, I'm too easily bossed into place --

[Almost a whisper.]

I'm so sorry.  I'm so, so sorry.  I'm selfish and rash and I have no right to expect anything, not when everyone's hurting so much worse and dealing with so many more important things and when I've said and done such daft callous shite and now there's all of whatever is happening soon and I know as my writer here that you're scared for me because you haven't had the best track record with "your girls" and things but maybe it would be better for everyone if --

I think I'm beginning to see your point about how it wouldn't have been a horrible idea for Dr. Garner to stay on and talk to all of us a bit.

Comments

[eyesofthebifrost]

You need to breathe. Take a deep breath, hold it, and let it out.

[biochemistry]

[Immediately, she does so, because he phrases it "need" and he's authoritative and the part of her that's still rational knows it's good advice.]

I'm sorry.

[eyesofthebifrost]

You need not apologize, you have done nothing to apologize for. [There is a slow blink, and then the calm voice continues]

You simply seemed likely to cause yourself a temporary discomfort and further distress had you not altered your pattern.

[biochemistry]

I feel like I have, though. I... I don't have any right to unload all of this on anyone, least of all a stranger.

[She manages to fake a bright smile, though it might not be convincing.]

I am grateful for the... reminder, though. Panic attacks are harder to bring yourself out of without that, I think.

[eyesofthebifrost]

That look she's getting now? Is the look of someone who is unconvinced by a fake smile.]

I have found at times, that it is easier to speak to a stranger than it is to a friend. There is a kind of honesty in anonymity, and the added bonus of never having to see the stranger again.

[biochemistry]

[A moment of stunned silence.]

That's a very kind offer, if you're making it.

[Said in the voice of someone recently unused to such things.]

[eyesofthebifrost]

[Listening to other people's problems? You could call it part of his vocation. Most of the time they don't know he's listening however.]

I am in this case, Miss... [If he knows her name, he's discrete enough not to say it. Anxiety attacks and PTSD coupled with paranoia is not a pretty sight]

And you can call me Riger. Or Rig for short.

[wearebothangry]

Dr. Simmons calm down....please I only understood half of that.

[biochemistry]

[Immediately, she winces.]

Please, don't -- don't worry. I just needed to let it out somewhere. I'm fine.

[Understatement of the century.]

[wearebothangry]

[Bruce gives Jemma one of those long searching looks he's famous for. Unlike say Coulson who may use silence to get people to talk, Bruce uses it to work out the truth.]

No one rants that long and is "fine," if it were me saying any of that I'd be eight feet tall and green by the end of it. What's really going on?

[biochemistry]

[She sighs. A long, long sigh. And she draws into herself.]

It's -- one thing on top of another. My writer keeps yelling that can't anyone see I've got PTSD, but it's not as if I've been officially diagnosed, or that -- that anyone should waste their time on it, not when so many other serious things are happening.

[wearebothangry]

[Bruce nods.]

My writer would actually agree with yours. I have PTSD as well and from what she's seen of you she can draw a lot of similarities between our cases. Minus the Hulk of course.

[biochemistry]

[Her eyes go wide.]

Thank -- you. For not... [Shrug.] I don't know. I keep worrying that I'll somehow manage to make things worse than I already have. It's a horrible feeling. Add that in on top of the fact that my writer has, ah, always rather projected some of her own anxiety things on me (reasonably)... Honestly, though, I'm just being self-indulgent by rabbiting on about it.

[Because she's already feeling embarrassed enough about the initial outburst that she's censoring future ones.]

[wearebothangry]

That happens with writers my nearly had a melt down yesterday because something she was working on didn't turn out right. And it's okay to talk about what's bothering you in a format that works, it's better then internalizing things.

[unflowered]

[This makes her think twice about using the gloves in her box but it's also breaking her heart. It feels like it wants to flutter out of her chest and she's just-

There's a slight shiver to the ground and she wraps her hands around her shoulders.]

...Think your mun might have been right.

[Snort. Ha ha ha]

[biochemistry]

[As far as the gloves go, her mun knows nothing, and she's primarily just feeling horrible that she couldn't actually give them to Skye in person or explain them to her in person and that she let herself get drafted into going behind Skye's -- behind everybody's -- back to create them.

Skye speaks and all Jemma can do is frown.]

Skye, I -- I didn't mean... to... I tried to tell my mun I didn't want to go airing my problems out where anyone could see like some confessional talk show, it isn't fair, not when...

[When, as she said above, everyone else's problems are worse than hers by far.]

I'm sorry.

[unflowered]

[No. No no no no Simmons no. She moves forward and wants to - what. Embrace her? Hug her?

She checks herself and looks down.]

It's my fault.

This is all my fault. [She exhales] All of it. It's not you okay it...

[Or is it her?

She shakes her head] I was agreeing.

[biochemistry]

I... Skye, I. This is the opposite of your fault. You've done nothing wrong. You're brave and courageous and those two things are really the same but -- still.

[A breath.]

Fitz was right. I have changed. I mean, we all have, that's life, isn't it. But I'm scared. All I seem capable of doing anymore is saying the wrong thing or not being able to say the right thing or just generally -- it's horrible, I feel horrible, because I want to help but I can't. And I'm so afraid of making a mess of it. I can't lose you too.

[She's back to that urgent whisper by the time she's finished.]

[simon_didnt_say]

[Nnngh. Simon needs a deep breath to get his own anxiety issues under control before he tries to tackle that.]

T-t-that sounds just t-t-terrible... B-b-but you have to know, you c-c-can't fix everything...

[biochemistry]

[Immediately Jemma winces.]

I'm sorry. I, I don't mean to make you upset. I'm just... I'm venting. I'm... sorry.

[simon_didnt_say]

[Simon takes a breath and steadies himself.]

It's.. it's fine. Please, don't apologize. I just get n-n-nervous, sometimes.

[biochemistry]

I understand that. [Rather a lot, if that wasn't obvious.] It tends to, ah, manifest... more this way. Which is to say that I don't often... do this, but.

[simon_didnt_say]

[He manages a rueful smile.]

Bit of a family thing for me, I'm afraid.

Sounds like you've got quite a lot on your plate, though.

[biochemistry]

Oh, it's reasonable. Quite a lot of the time things like that are, after all. It would be nice if people had an easier time discussing it, but it's not exactly a simple thing to bring up in many cases.

[A slight frown.]

These last months have been incredibly rough, yes.

[simon_didnt_say]

I can imagine what that must be like.

[Because. Parental stories and all. Even if the specifics aren't quite the same.]

But I'm equally sure you'll find a way through it all.