Mun just got through reading Issue #11 (spoilers ahoy)

[verity_willis]

You don't know what's going on? How the hell do you think I feel? How the hell do you think I've felt for months?

[Someone has not been having a good couple of days. Nowhere near as bad as some people she knows, of course, but still. Verity runs her hands through her hair in agitation, maybe pacing a little on the spot.] I wanted to stay, I never wanted to...end it like that. But after everything, and the things he was saying, and...

[Verity stops, and sighs - visibly slumping, wrapping her arms around her stomach as though to hold everything in.]

...this is too big. Too big for me. I'm not...I'm not cut out for this. Probably never was. 


You know, I hope he's okay. Even after all of this. Maybe even especially after all this. I really do. 

But let's face it. [Here she manages a smile, humorless and bitter.] If he needed me so he could make it through this...he was doomed from the start. 

Comments

[changeanddie]

[What are you even doing, boy? You're going to confuse her further just by popping in. Two Lokis are bad already.]

I'm so sorry, milady. I mean, I'm not apologizing in his behalf. I just want to express that it's sad you got tangled into this.

...And really, we are confusing so I think it's a fair reaction.

[verity_willis]

[Oh, Verity isn't confused. All of this would be a lot easier if she was.

Or she is, for a moment. She looks at him and all she can think is "oh, how cute", shortly followed by "you look familiar", shortly followed by...

...oh.

And then she goes from looking miserable to looking absolutely stricken, and then back to miserable once more.] Don't... [She fumbles for something to say, and then waves a hand distractedly.] I'm not a lady. I'm just...just an idiot.

And I'm really the last person you should be sympathetic to. Or...maybe the second to last.

why hello do you feel like crying today

[onemisdirection]

[he really shouldn't be here, he should turn around and walk away, he shouldn't make this worse, but goddammit he has to try]

Verity, I-- I'm sorry I never told you all that, but-- but if you'll let me explain . . .

[and lookit that, he still can't lie]

I have this journal, don't I?

[verity_willis]

[Verity actually flinches at his apology. She raises a hand as if to ward off a blow, drawing in a shaky sort of breath.] Don't...

[She wants to accept that apology. She wants to hear his explanation. It would be so easy to forgive him, again...maybe too easy. Looking away and wrapping her arms around her stomach once more, Verity adds, quietly:] Kinda think I got my explanation, thanks. [Every word the old Loki had heaped on her had been true, after all.]

TRUE ENOUGH. we're both masochists haha... lies on floor

[onemisdirection]

[he reaches out to her, then catches himself and lets his arm drop. instead, he grips his arm like her reaction actually physically pains him. it would be easier if it did]

You got the abridged version. If you heard how I helped get rid of the parasite, helped the Young Avengers--

[he takes a small breath] If you need time away, I'd-- I'd understand, but please, just . . . don't give up on me.

In masochist heaven. /lies on floor.

[verity_willis]

[Verity actually takes a step back as he reaches out, guarded and wary still. But when he lowers his hand, she finds herself letting out a breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding.]

Would you be giving me an explanation? [Her voice sounds cold even to her ears. But it's a fragile sort of cold, betraying the fragility and fear beneath.

There really are no words for how badly her forced encounter with King Loki left her shaken up.]

Or an excuse?

/lies on the polished floor of masochist heaven w/ u. covers our corpses with a sheet

[onemisdirection]

[her tone is killing him, but he's not sure if it's because it means Verity's shaken, or because it hurts him. Probably the latter]

. . . I'm not sure I know the difference anymore. [a deep breath] But--most of what I've done, I can't excuse it. I know that. I'm not so removed that I don't.

I only want you to know I fixed it. I'm the god of chaos, I have to break things, but I'm not only breaking now, I'm cleaning up my messes, I have cleaned up my messes-- I can break away from this role, if-- [if he has Verity by his side, but he can't say that. he doesn't want to make this WORSE]

[verity_willis]

[He doesn't say it, but Verity can guess. And that almost sets her off all over again, because she can't be that important to him, she can't be responsible for him.

But the fact that he doesn't say as much is...something. She's not entirely sure what, yet, beyond the fact that it makes her settle, uncoil, letting out her breath in a slow hiss between her teeth. His words sound like excuses, but she'll freely admit that she isn't in the best position to judge right now.

Instead, keeping her voice level with a very great effort, she asks:]

What. Is. He?

[onemisdirection]

[simple question, simple answer--or as simple of an answer as he can give. okay good, this is progress. and better than he could have hoped. he really expected her to have stormed off by now.

and, well. that question can really only be referring to one thing.

he raises a placating hand. when he speaks, it's short, pleading, and deceptively calm, as if he were convincing someone not to shoot him in his fool face]

A possible future. The worst possible future. One the All-Mother and he have been conspiring to ensure is the only future.

[verity_willis]

[She's about to accuse him once more - call out his excuses, his deflections, his denial.

And yet, at the mention of "possible" future...Verity stops. Visibly hesitates, doubt creeping into her otherwise stern expression. In little more than a murmur, she repeats the words suddenly echoing with deafening force in her memories:] "How strange it is that we've never actually met..."

[Except they have. They should have. A long while ago, by now.]

Holy fuck, I am such an idiot! [Here she forcibly facepalms.]

AHHH VIBRATES EXCITEDLY you are amazing ok ok

[onemisdirection]

Wait, what? [the change in tone, expression, perhaps even the direction in anger, is so sudden, Loki's completely thrown. and more than a little lost; he didn't quite hear that mutter.

clearly, in order to dispel this confusion, he should run his mouth]

Don't be so hard on yourself. He's played us all the fool. But I'm a bit lost. You may have to use the small . . . [wait x2. he replays the mumble, tries to listen closer to the memory. (come to think of it, has he ever really listened all that closely to Verity? that's another thing that will have to change. no, hold on focus--)]

Were you quoting him?

*bows* I have been CLINGING to that line, okay.

[verity_willis]

Yes! [In her excitement, Verity reaches out to grip his shoulders in both her hands. Her eyes are huge and round, her hands are shaking.] Don't you remember?

[For a moment, she closes her eyes, reluctantly playing the entire scene back through her mind. The upside of what is usually Verity's only choice of reading material means that she's developed a very good memory, so after a moment she repeats, louder for his benefit, partly to reassure herself that she is remembering what really happened:] "I believe that's my cue. What's that, Loki? No hugs for you golden perfect future, fresh sprung from jail? And you must be Verity Willis. So hard to believe we've never met."

I DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE CONNECTION i figured he meant what Loki here thought BUT!!!! HOPE!!!

[onemisdirection]

[Loki's eyes open wide. He goes stock-still. That truly was what the Older had said, word-for-word. But Loki was reeling so much from the events of that day, panicking so very wildly, that he hadn't thought.

"So hard to believe we've never met." He figured he had meant she never met his future, the lies he'd kept hidden, but--

For once, perhaps a god--perhaps Loki--was being literal. And it took his very literal mortal friend to see that. He raises his hands to grip one of her shaking ones on his shoulder, and he grins triumphantly, excited]

Oh sweet, sweet Verity Willis. You are a genius! A literal genius! He is the Loki who actually never met you. Therefore I can't become him. For you having been in my story, for even the shortest while, there is hope!

I HOPE THERE IS HOPE AND THAT I'M NOT READING TOO MUCH INTO IT! *crosses fingers and toes*

[verity_willis]

[That thought, that doubt, had crossed Verity's mind as well. But if they were truly one and the same, present and future, an inevitable progression...then she would have met him once. Before he became what he was, back when he was still a Loki trying to be better.

He could have been lying, of course...but wouldn't it have been more effective to tell the truth, in that case? That he'd known her once, cast her aside, or else done something equally horrible? Why present them otherwise with this otherwise seemingly cast-iron proof that his claims were false?

Why tell them at all, of course...unless, perhaps, he'd trusted to the fact that he could. That they would both have been so badly panicking, so off-balance, to miss such an insultingly obvious hint in the heat of the moment. That, to Verity, makes perfect sense.

And, judging by his delighted reaction, it's not just making sense in her head. Verity lets out a shaking exhale, and then, for the first time in what feels like too long, she feels a smile tugging at her lips - weak, tremulous, but hopeful.

It's...it is very good to see him looking so happy again. It is very good to realize that there really is a chance that she might not lose her best friend.

Enough that Verity, just this once, throws decorum and personal space to the wind, enough to wrap her arms around Loki and hug him fiercely.]

*crosses arms and legs and braids my short hair* IF WE HOPE HARD ENOUGH MAYBE IT'LL BE TRUE cries

[onemisdirection]

[He hugs her back immediately, holding fast.

He knows he may be a fool to hope. Loki always lies, even when he's telling the truth. It could have been misdirection. A throwaway line to break him down further, once he realizes he was wrong. But still he hopes, he tries, he fights, and he's terrified that he's wrong. That the childself he killed is right. That he can't change, and this nightmarish future is inevitable.

But this feels like relief. The first breath after being suffocated. He'll take it. If nothing else, perhaps he'll have Verity as his closest friend for a little bit longer. If he does, she's all Loki has.

He may be clinging a little. Okay, a lot]

Thank you.

I WILL HOPE AS HARD AS I CAN AND THEN SOME! /sobs

[verity_willis]

[Verity might be clinging a little, too. She knows she shouldn't, by rights. Even if he doesn't grow up to be a monster all over again, she's rationally aware that Loki is just...hideously unhealthy for her. He's told her himself.

Yet he's all she has, in a lot of ways. He's her only friend. Verity had resigned herself long ago to never having any friends, and now that that's changed, she's in no hurry to lose it. Really, Verity knows that, in her own way, she's just as hard to be around.

But when he says he wants to change, he means it. She knows that, and so the idea of turning her back entirely when there's even half a chance...it leaves a bad taste in her mouth, to say the least.

But because she is Verity, she adds, trying for sternly and not quite making it:]

Don't thank me just yet. We're...we're not okay. [He's still lied, a lot, and lies of omission are fast becoming her least favorite kind of lies.] But...we might be. If, if we get out of this. Okay?

THIS CAN'T BE A JiM STAB TO THE HEART WE WON'T LET IIIIIT

[onemisdirection]

[He releases a breathless, barely-there laugh]

Okay. [Loki now is not the time to be thinking of tragic teenage book references, stop deflecting]

I'm still terribly toxic. But I appreciate the chance.

[Even though he's not sure he knows what "this" she means they get out of. This cycle of lies and apologies? The current web of tricks and evil plans of the week he's caught in? The chair he's going to be strapped to--shirtless, naturally?

It hardly matters. Because--] If I can do anything to get us through this, anything at all, I will.