extremely tentative voicetesting

[steakaphone]

So, let me get this straight, this place you want to send me...not only would it be filled with people, but all of my personal information would be stored where anyone could access it? And there would be no steak?

[A long pause.]

No.

Comments

[gonnawin]

Eh? All yer personal information? Like... credit card info?

[steakaphone]

I will have you know, tiny little man, that I own no such things.

[All of his money is kept as gold, buried discreetly around town.]

That aside, impressive mustache.

[Perhaps a little intricate for his tastes, but credit where credit is due.]

[gonnawin]

[This is a plan Wario can get behind. He Scrooge McDucks it with huge piles of dough and treasure.]

I'd say you got a good head on yer shoulders with taste like that, but watch the wisecracks if you want it to stay there.

[Mario heights are as consistent as custard, so he lets it slide because he may well be anywhere between 4' and 5'7 tall. Possibly 10'.]

[steakaphone]

With all due respect, and by that I mean none of it, I do believe that it is you who should be watching the wisecracks.

[He survived Tammy One, Tammy Two, and his mother (Tamara). Whatever this small chubby man could dish out, he was sure he could take it.]

[gonnawin]

[Wario may be a tub of goo with a moustache glued on, but look at his arms Ron. They are thicker with muscles than most people's entire bodies.]

Oh yeah? If you wanna test yer mettle, put yer money where yer mouth is.

[steakaphone]

You seem to be mistaken.

What you've heard is that I want to further engage with you and fight you; in reality, all I would like is to terminate this, and all future conversations, as quickly as possible.

[finebutsimple]

Whoooa cool, did you win a free vacation, Ron?

That's pretty bummer about the no steak thing though, I mean steak is your favorite thing ever. [To which Andy laughs.]

[steakaphone]

No, son, I did not. There can be no vacation without steak.

[Some people had staycations. Ron had steakcations.]

[finebutsimple]

You can't pack some in your suitcase? Or is that against TSE regulations?

[TSA, Andy. Close.]

Like knives... and toothbrushes.

[steakaphone]

[Ron isn't going to comment on how wrong that answer was; instead he'll just shake his head. If there were two things that made him angry it was the government and people looking through his personal belongings; as TSA personified both, he didn't often op to fly.]

I do not believe this is somewhere I am allowed to bring a suitcase.

[Which was a shame, because he did have a suitcase that he'd say aside for the sole purpose of transporting raw meat.]

[finebutsimple]

You could always wear a suit made of meat. Like Lady Yaya.

[Also what place doesn't let you bring a suitcase. Super uncool.]

Or stuff steaks in your pockets.

[steakaphone]

[Hm.]

Son, that is simultaneously both the stupidest and most intelligent idea I've ever heard.

[finebutsimple]

Haha, great!

Sooo... does that mean you're doing it? You could totally like, wear your meat suit and then jump into a tub full of spices and marinade. Maybe a jacuzzi of your favorite marinade. You know and soak for a bit before you cook any of it.

[The mental image of this is amazing and now he wants Ron to do it.]

[steakaphone]

No.

[At least in no capacity where another human being (or the government l) could possibly hear about it.]

[finebutsimple]

Aw c'mon, Ron.

Okay, so if the jacuzzi is out, you should at least try a slip and slide. With barbecue sauce instead of water.

[How can this not be the best idea ever?]

[steakaphone]

[Ron takes a moment to pause and look up, thinking.]

Hm.

[This was intriguing.]

Tell me more about this slipper and slide.

[finebutsimple]

[Oh sweet, Ron wants to listen to him talk. Yes. The excitement on his face is that of a child who just found a penny on the sidewalk. Heads up.]

It's this loooong plastic sheet you roll out in your backyard, or the front I mean sometimes that's bigger, and then you hook your water hose to it and turn it on. Then it gets all slippery and you run and jump onto it and sliiiide! WOOOSH! HAHAHA!

[Yes he describes this all while attempting to show Ron with wild hand gestures and arm movements. Thankfully he doesn't do a belly flop on the floor.]

They even have big blow up ones that are huuuge slides, Ron! You can just hook it up to a big barrel of sauce or something, right? That'd be awesome!

[assistanting]

Sounds like hell.

[steakaphone]

I'm sure it will be, April. I'm sure it will.

[assistanting]

Tell them to submit their paperwork on December Fortieth.

[steakaphone]

Unfortunately, April, there is no paperwork this time.

[But somehow, they were still able to get all of his information. This irked him more.]

[assistanting]

Isn't there like an "application"? Or something? Mine keeps talking about it. I told her I'd write it for her but she doesn't seem to think that would be a good idea - I guess she's just afraid of the truth about my origin story.

Anyway just mess up the date of the application or don't stamp it, I don't know. Write "VOID!!!!!" across it.

[bankrupting]

Well- I mean, at least on the bright side there might be a few familiar faces, right? Friends equal at least one steak, right?

[Pause.]

Well, like, maybe half a steak?

...who am I kidding, I already know the answer to that.

[steakaphone]

There is no equivalent for steak.

[...]

Except breakfast foods.

[ovariesbeforebrovaries]

[At first she's happy to see you, but then she frowns, realizing.]

Ron, this place is your worst nightmare.

[But Leslie is so bi-polar, she just smiles anyway and goes at him for a hug.]

I'm so happy to see you! Everyone is here, Ron, even Ann, Ron - Ron, I even saw Ann here! My beautiful, exotic nurse best friend is here, too! And Ben of course, Ben is here, but Ann, Ron! Ann!

[muskox]

Yes, I'm here.

[ sigh. not that she's not happy to see Leslie. she's always happy to see Leslie! but wow Leslie's excited. ]

[ovariesbeforebrovaries]

Oh Ann, my beautiful, strong warrior woman!

[Leslie has probably had one too many pancakes this morning.]

I knew it was only a matter of time before you came to me.

[muskox]

It's good to see you too, Leslie.

[ well at least there are snacks, right? ]

Speaking of that - how, exactly, did we get here?

[steakaphone]

[And, while the girls are having their noisy and pointless conversation, Ron is going to try his best to sneak away. As with all things concerning Leslie, there was no guarantee this would work.]

[muskox]

I don't think you have a choice, Ron.

[steakaphone]

On the contrary, I think I do. There's always a choice.

[Sometimes that choice is deciding to live out in the woods where none of these strange new people would find him. Away from the government.]