Canon is Gotham

[blackumbrella]

Dearest Mundane,

Yes, yes. I'm very aware that you're upset over recent events elsewhere. Normally I wouldn't offer you any optimism, but those things did bring you back here, didn't they? Now you can continue my plots in peace, and you can start new ones. I'm dying to do something new. You know. Meet new people. Get out a bit? All things you don't do. I understand, but I'm also bored.

Now, go make me more icons and stop being a wet blanket.

Sincerely,
Oswald Cobblepot

P.S. If you make the sardine joke one more time, I'm going to kill you. Fair warning.

Comments

[under_separate_cover]

Oh really? I'm so sorry, Mr Cobblepot, but-- well. You have both my Munny and myself more than a little bit curious about what the sardine joke is about...? So... Do tell, Mr Oswald's Munny.... Please? [And R blinks innocently, imploringly up at the mundane, like that's gonna work!]

[blackumbrella]

Don't you dare--

((How does it feel to be a sardine? In reference to Maroni almost crushing him in a car.))

...I'm going to kill you.

[under_separate_cover]

Awww! You poor poor baby boy! [[Is that Sarcasm, R? Oh, yes, it's you, so of course it is...]] Oh, bah, Munny! I mean, seriously, though: I do feel badly for the little guy. I mean, c'mon, you're the one who's always fielding (and by "fielding" I mean "ignoring in a great big pile of NOTHING ELSE TO DO!") my complaints about the bloody way you claim I died-- oh yes, not to mention, all the things you've forced me to do in the HO-Tell....

[[Awww! I didn't force you to do anything, R; it was the HOTEL!]]

Riiiight...

Oh yes, and PLEASE don't kill your mundane, dear boy; I mean, who will type for you if you do...?

[blackumbrella]

There are some things I'd rather she not type.

[under_separate_cover]

Awww! Really? I mean-- if your mundane were dead-- she couldn't type anything for you. I mean, anything; not sardine jokes, nor even your own words about this whole situation with-- Maroni, is it? I mean, I don't watch your show with my mundane, I'm sorry to say...

[blackumbrella]

I don't want her saying anything about Maroni. She never listens to me.

[under_separate_cover]

Alright, then, fair enough... Muns can be rather stupid, especially when they think they're invincible, to all threats, "fictional" and otherwise. I mean, if you want to complain about this Maroni guy, for making an effing SARDINE CAN out of you and a damned car, or even to plot against that same Maroni man for-- y'know, if I keep referring to the combo of you and a car as a sadine can, I'm just gonna end up laughing my skinny little ass off completely, so...

[[Yeah, let's.... not, R; I mean, honestly; I don't want him to shoot you!]] Aww! You wouldn't shoot me, Mr Cobblepot, now would you? [Cue the innocent blinking again; like anyone's actually buying it!]

[blackumbrella]

I'm very tempted to stab you.

[under_separate_cover]

Aww! Even if I'm on my knees and begging you NOT to, over in the SixWordStories thread? [[R, really, now: there's fourth-wall breaking, and then there's fourth-wall CRUSHING! x3]] Oh bah, Munny! Really, though, you know you'd miss me, if you stabbed me, or even let him stab me...

[blackumbrella]

I wouldn't miss you.

And according to my mundane there is no fourth wall here.

[under_separate_cover]

Awww! Are you sure about that? I mean: I know my witty repartee can't compare to the Joker's, of course, but-- still. I think I'm fairly amusing, don't you? Oh, and trust me when I say: I get even better after my-- eighth or ninth tumbler of peppermint schnapps for the day, which I'm just about to dive into-- figuratively, that is to say, because really now: even a skinny little ass like me could never actually swim around in a tumbler of booze!

[blackumbrella]

I don't even think The Joker is amusing.

[under_separate_cover]

Awww! Don't you, now? Maybe it's just me, then, who finds him funny... Or hey, maybe you just need something to drink to find us both amusing as all Hell! [And R of course, proffers her bottle of peppermint schnapps to him, with a small serene little smile upon her face.]

[blackumbrella]

[He shakes his head.] I don't drink schnapps.

[under_separate_cover]

Oh don't you? Well, I guess the coppers aren't quite as hard on "drunk walking about" charges in Gotham City, are they? I mean, I love the taste, of course, but-- I also love how some especially stupid cops will smell me breath and mistake it for mouthwash, y' know? [And she smiles slightly as she adds:] I also have some very fine Jack Daniels-- the Devil's Cut, I think it's called; the stuff that gets evaporated into the oak as it ages, y' know? And then, of course, there's some single-malt scotch, too, if that's more your speed...?

[[ALSO; may I just say that that ICON has the CUTEST OSWALD EXPRESSION i've ever SEEN!? x3]]

No, you may not, Munny-- although he does look rather sweet in that picture, don't he?

[blackumbrella]

I prefer wine or champagne.

[under_separate_cover]

Ahh, a classic version of Me, eh? [[Oh, R, please don't say that. You'll insult the poor lad again! ]] Aww, and what's wrong with being compared to Original Me? I mean, he was a good man-- more or less... A drunkard, sure, but-- still--. A good man, who died with a good cause upon his lips.... [And R looks momentarily contemplative, as she considers how damned pointless her own death would be, in the midst of the sort of chaos a "BLACK LIVES MATTER" rally contains] Oh bah, Minny; you're reading too much into my silence, really... I was just-- thinking, about the comparison, and-- oh, never mind! Here, I've got wine, too, for special occasions.... Which I do think taking a drink with a mobster qualifies as, eh wot? [And suddenly the sadly contemplative look is completely erased from her face, in favour of a small, satisfied smirk.]]

[blackumbrella]

[He accepts the wine, but scowls at her.] The word "mobster" sounds so filthy.

[under_separate_cover]

[R continues to smirk, as if oblivious to the other guy's scowling, even if she does answer his little gripe thusly:] In-indeed? Well, then, what would you prefer to be called, professionally, Mister Cobblepot, sir? [[Please don't mind the slightly sarcastic note to the "sir" at the end of that question, Oswald; I don't think she even knows how to say "sir" or "ma'am" sincerely.]]

[blackumbrella]

Is it necessary for you to address me by my profession?

[under_separate_cover]

Mm... I suppose not at that... Although, I would really like to know what you consider yourself, professionally speaking? Just out of curiosity for my new drinking buddy, you understand... [Yep, R's already decided that this is a long-term drinking buddy she's gained here. Silly girl, really!] I mean, nice to meet you, Mister Cobblestone: I'm Rosemarie Johnson, better known as R or even Grand-R, and I think I'll just keep on being a drunken "law" student for forever.... [She chuckles to herself, before taking a gulp of the wine.]

[blackumbrella]

Cobblepot.

I am not your drinking "buddy". I don't even drink very often.

[under_separate_cover]

Oh right, sorry... Cobblepot! You see, I'm already a little bit drunk-- just a little, you understand... [And of course, as "a little bit" drunk is not quite enough to sustain her, she takes another gulp of wine] I mean, honestly, maybe you should drink a little bit more! I mean, c'mon: what better way is there to deal with-- being crushed like a damned sardine in a can of a car, or even-- just being laughed at and teased mercilessly...? [[Er, R? He does have a loving Mama at the very least!]] Oh does he now? Lucky duck.... [And remembering how little her own mother seems to care about her, she empties the remainder of her wine into her mouth, and pours another glass.]

[blackumbrella]

Do both you and my mundane have to keep repeating that? It wasn't funny the first time, and it certainly isn't funny now.

One day I will be respected in Gotham. That is one of many differences between us.

[under_separate_cover]

Oh yes? Ish that sho? [Yep, that second glass of wine is already down the hatch, so now she's properly, slurring drunk.] Sh-shut up, Mummy... I mean, MUNNY! You're most certainly not my mummy, after all... I--I mean...

Shorry, Mishter Cobblepot, sir.... I mean, I think it's just bloody awful, what's happened to you-- and I really DO feel sorry for ya.... I'm-- I'm not laughing, y' see? [And she really isn't, for once in her life, at least!]

[blackumbrella]

That's nice.

...You probably shouldn't be drinking if you can't hold your liquor any better than that.

[under_separate_cover]

Oh really? Am I really-- a nice pershon? I mean: I try to be, after all, even if I am a sarcastic and cynical little bitch deep-- and I mean really-- deep down, but-- well. I dunno.... E! never seems to appreciate my-- my kindnesh towards his ridiculous idealistic-- ideals, y'know what I mean...?

And as for how well I hold my-- liq--liquor, well... May I remind you that I set aside my ninth tumbler of schnapps in order to drink this wine with you...? I can hold my-- my alky just fine, really....

[blackumbrella]

You're an alcoholic then?

[under_separate_cover]

[Annoyance flashes across R's face, now; her turn to be mad, it seems] Functioning alcoholic, yes! Functioning! I swear to GOD, there seems to be no one who ever gets that...

[[On the plus side, at least her anger has sobered her a little bit, eh?]]

Oh, can it, Munny!

[[I wouldn't use those words right now, in front of poor Oswald, my dear girl...]]

[blackumbrella]

An alcoholic is an alcoholic.

[under_separate_cover]

[[Aww that ICON! I take it back: that is the cutest Oswald expression ever captured on film or screencap! x3]]

Really now, Munny? "Innocently evil" is the cutest expression you think he's got?

[But R is not so easily distracted from the cruel remarks that the cute boy has made, even with that sweetly evil face on display!]

OI! I am a functioning alcoholic, and there IS a HUGE difference between that and the sorta drunkard who ends up on the damned streets, begging, or stealing-- or whoring themselves out-- or-- whatever they do out there to survive... I mean, seriously: I at least pretend to be studying law, and thus: my life's funded by student loans and grants and such as. [And she nods resolutely, as if she's determined to stay at that "profession" forever-- or at least as long as her liver lasts her in this lifetime.]

[blackumbrella]

My apologies.

[He holds out a nice, pink box.]

Do you like cannoli?

[under_separate_cover]

[[Oh dear LORD, Mr Oswald; you wouldn't do that to this poor girl, would you? x3 <3]]

Do what, Munny? Do what, exactly?!

[[Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Really! x3]]

Why do I doubt your word, all of a sudden?

[[When have you ever trusted my word, you cynical little bitch? lol!]]

... Touché. Alright, then, Mister Cobblepot, as to your question about whether I like cannoli or not: I don't believe I've ever had it. I mean, I'm not from an Italian family, myself...

[blackumbrella]

There are a number of excellent Italian restaurants in Gotham.

Try it. I guarantee it will be enjoyable.

[under_separate_cover]

[[Oh dear....]]

Well... Alright, then... I s'pose I'll trust you, and I am a little bit hungry now, after all. So... This is an Italian dessert, is it...?

[[Oh DEAR!]]

[But of course, by this point, R is completely ignoring her mun, out of sheer annoyance.]

[blackumbrella]

Yes, it is. I work at an Italian restaurant. Cannoli is ordered often there.

[under_separate_cover]

[[Oh dear, and I suppose it's often ordered complete with a dash of POISON, is it, Ozzy? x3 No, no, no need to answer that; I already know the answer.]]

[R smiles slightly at the young man.] Oh yes? Are you a chef, or-- something else...? [She doesn't want to risk insulting the poor boy again by using the term "bus-boy" if she doesn't have to.] I mean-- did you make this, yourself...?

[blackumbrella]

I'm the manager, actually. I didn't make these myself. That's not my skill, but our chef is excellent.

[under_separate_cover]

Oh yes? Well, that's nice, I s'pose... Best to be in charge if you have to work, ya know? Well, of course you do, being that you're living it, after all!

[She finally lifts the cannoli out of the fancy box, and smiles at him again]

Is-- is that chocolate drizzled on top? Ooh, yum! [And she finally takes a bite.]

[blackumbrella]

Yes, of course.

((And since it is laced with cyanide, she will drop dead.))

[under_separate_cover]

[[Aww, you're a cruel man, Ozzy.... You really are! She just wanted a new friend, after all!]]

Wha--? [R collapses, of course, given that she did manage to take a cyanide-soaked little bite, with all her bad luck!]]

[blackumbrella]

[He smiles.]

I did say it would be enjoyable. Just not for you.

[under_separate_cover]

[Of course, R's really quite used to putting "poison" into her body, but-- well. This may be a little too too for even her body....

Although, she does think to spit the damned poisoned bite out, before she actually swallows it, which-- may save her: even if she has gotten a pretty healthy dose of cyanide absorbed through her mouth...]

Th-- this isn't how I-- I planned to-- to die... [She says in a pathetically weak voice, before her eyes roll back in her head.]