dear_mun | needs more human castmates at thegames

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needs more human castmates at thegames

dear mundane
this is a letter formally asking you to stop wringing your hands over castmates
specifically ones of the human variety
specifically the low hanging fruits of the family tree variety
as much as i would be elated to gaze upon these gormless familiar faces as we straddle the murder canon mechabull into the pain rodeo of entertainment for the blood soaked masses
i just
dont have the time to be entertaining these kind of shenanigans
and theres literally no evidence of me having too much time on my hands
pun not remotely fucking intended
im busy honing my craft
exhibit a

im at a point in my life where im ready to spread my wings and work on what really matters
not murder
not rebellion
not my devilish handsomeness because that comes naturally
but shit like this

is what society needs more of
not awkward family reunions
not egbertian whispers on the wind and especially not harley or hot mom or hot mom 2 or grandpa punch-a-lot
and dont so much as suggest that this surmounted to something that looks like a desperate plea for attention in the most passive and roundabout way
because i am already well aware

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Normally I'm right with you on the family reunion thing.

But - you kinda had me at 'murder canon mechabull' and 'pain rodeo of entertainment' - (First? Sign me up.)

That sounds exactly like the kinda party I'd invite grandpa punch-a-lot to. Let me suggest a special gift of a missile launched right at his wrinkle-assed face.

Looks like we cater to a variety of tastes. Line up, homie, it's a veritable buffet of bullshit just ripe for the taking. You could be neck deep in macaroni and murder in an evening.

That sounds like the opposite of a good idea, and you know it's bad when I'm telling you that.

Murder, macaroni, and bullshit - a list of my favorite to least favorite things, in that order. Unfortunately, I've gotten a hellovalot of the latter in my life. And look, more of it shoveling my way. Tell you something, kid - the more you hate it, the more you get it.

At least murder is a pretty good remedy.

Rocket launchers fix everything.

Right, well. We can swap and you can have fun fighting through desolate wastelands and stabbing with reckless abandon and I'll just hang around here and not do that. Sounds peachy, thanks Confucius.

If by fix you mean ruins everything but looks really cool, then sure. Let's go with that.

oh my god dave. you are in the world of hunger games, and you have been making karkat bingo.
and you didn't invite me? i am hurt dave.
so very hurt.

i am probably not even all that in character because the chick behind the screen hasn't read our shenanigans in ages, but here i am.
definitely judging your amazing priorities.
because this post is not beautiful at all.

oh right
where the fuck are my manners at
what kind of upstanding boy scout am i that i missed that social cue
hey john
want to come make fun of karkat in between lulls of murder arenas where we all fend off death for a few months at a time before we inevitably lose and die and wander home to our lavish prison with chapped asses
its a hoot

needless vitriol in order to make a point aside
dont lie to me egbert
your praise will fuel me for a thousand winters
which is also good because this next arena is all santa jizz and iced balls
and i know you like those
so

Edited 2015-01-28 02:42 (UTC)

see, now you got it, dave!
why yes, i would love to join this murder party funhouse with karkat-teasing breaks for sanity's sake.
that sounds like a great time and not a shitty excuse to continue killing us off in brand new, interesting ways.
ok ok, point taken.

wow, these are total lies!
every last one of them!!
but you should definitely stuff what could only be my total judgement into your fuel tank, since things are that real.
are you sure you don't want me to come help you kick some winter battle royale butt?
because that is what it is sounding like.

isnt it a refreshing change when im the painfully dense motherfucker and youre the one on the level
only it isnt because look you fucked up again and were back to our god given places in life

no
have i ever been known to lie to you egbert
is not every word out of my mouth so simple and pure and true that it would wither the 10 inch and erect nose of pinocchio himself

im positive
because
you are a liability
and also because i cant fuck with time to save you from yourself
again
you massive greenhorn nerd

pff, whatever, strider.
those unnecessarily long statements were awesome and you know it!

oh right, i forgot you are the most sincere guy to ever not sarcasm.
i must have gotten your incredibly simple mode of speech wrong this whole time!
you are the purest last time unicorn, galloping around and handing out sick beats of truthness.
and maybe phone booths and silly hats are involved somewhere.

pff, come on dave, i passed that rung on my echeladder AGES ago. keep up!
your crazy complex time shenanigans have probably gotten you confused.
but it's okay. because i got your back dude!
i'll be saving you all over the place!

actually, hold on. can you really not fuck with time anymore???
is that a thing that is no longer happening?

that was a lot of words to use to tell me im right
lucky for both of us i cut out the middleman and assumed thats what youd say before you replied
now we can go back to filling our lives with anything that seems remotely meaningful like were stuffing a turkeys ass full of bread and herbs

unless were in some bizarro land were youre even like half as competent as me i highly doubt you and your laddered ass are going to be bailing me out of my smooth sailing any time soon

yeah
its a thing
we lose them until they decide to turn them back on again
i had them for a hot minute until some asshole stabbed me

Family reunions are over rated anyway! But this,..

[She gestures to the elegant bingo graph with an adoring kind of expression. As a pirate captain and a appreciator of all things a little lewd, she takes a particular appreciation to this little map of feelings.]

Well from the sound of this bingo chart, I'd have to say you've been getting more than familiar enough with a certain someone.

Tell me about it. It's like yeah, you're genetically related to this person so clearly you have so much to talk about. But no, it's like bumping into any random hobo who looks like you and making small talk.

[Which happens frequently, of course.]

Who? Karkat? Oh yeah, I know him like the back of my hand. Every frown line and rage crease, like a rich tapestry. Thankfully, though, we don't share genetics.

Tell me about it. Especially awkward if you run into each other years later after they sold you for a few coins and a goat.

[She rolls her eyes and gestures to.. well, all of her.]

I think I'm worth two barn yard animals at least, wouldn't you agree?

[She snorts at what he says next. He's witty, she'll give him that.]

Lucky that! Especially if your memorising all the creases of his tapestry. Nothing quite so awkward as diddling a sister.

Edited 2015-01-28 03:20 (UTC)

Can't say I've ever experienced that immeasurably specific scenario, actually. I guess it depends on the animals, though. Was it an Angora goat? Because I'd trade my sister for one of those.

[Oh, ew. Now he's trying not to pull a face.] Yeah, well. Our friendship is intimate and platonic. Oh so platonic. Let me say it again. Platonic.

Not that what you're proposing isn't entirely unlikely either. Torrid tales of goat swaps notwithstanding.

Unfortunately, no. Just a regular goat, if memory serves. Not even a nice goat - in the brief time I knew her she was a biter.

[She grins a little at that and wiggles her eyebrows.]

Oooh. I see. Totally platonic friendship, all the sails set on the friendship frigate. Thats why, lets see...

[She takes a long drawn out moment eyeing over the bingo card, before her finger taps on 'touching his face' and 'genitals'.]

These two platonic friend things are here together? You know, kitten, if you need someone to give you courting advice, I'm kind of an expert.

[She's got that pesky planning gleam to her eye, as she cracks her knuckles. This really is her area of expertise. Well, this and pirating.]

I'm sure it was delicious, at least. Probably like, three meals worth of fat goat there. 9/10 would trade flesh and blood for that stew again. [He is being sincerely comforting, right.]

Haha, very funny. The whole willful misinterpretation thing is classic and never gets old. My funny bone is fractured beyond comp- What.

[Now his brows are knitting together, damn it.] I have a black belt in origami, but guess what? It's still irrelevant. [A pause.] Until just then, when I needed to bring it up for the purpose of sarcasm.

While I'm sure I should have many other questions I could be asking right now.
All of which are far more imperative and, in the interest of your mental well being, things I should very much be inquiring about.
I am going to focus on what is clearly the most important section of this entire post.

Is that really Karkat bingo?

your priorities are all squared and orderly like pens in a nerds top pocket
but hey any get out of therapy free card is money in the bank
so lets take a leaf out of egberts big book of moron and just breeze past this

yes
it really is
look with your eyes lalonde
the answers you seek are laid out in plain frigging english

Edited 2015-01-28 23:40 (UTC)

Perhaps I will let you off this time, but only because I am too busy wiping away my one solitary tear of pride at this moment.
I can say with complete confidence that at this moment, barring all chances to poke fun at you aside, I have never been more grateful to say that we are related.
This is a work of beauty.
The accuracy of it is almost painful.
I am looking, Strider, though I feel as though my eyes are not special enough to behold what they are seeing.

Please tell me you have been given the chance to play this.
Please tell me you have done the only proper thing in any situation, regardless of how dangerous or dire it is, and you shared this with your friends.
I do not wish to disown you over such a simple, if not novice mistake, after we have bonded so well over an event as important as this.

so not only have i solicited the highest praises from your cold iced over wooden heart but im getting real tears??? pics or it didnt fuckin happen
unless theyre like the pungent oily tears of davy jones himself
in which case pass
dont need that seared into my brain from now until the end of time

please
im not some goddamn nooblet eagerly smudging off squares with bated breath
im the beta tester
the master and creator of my board game empire placed delicately upon the vitriolic crest of vantases over sized noggin
but yeah i posted it
everyone saw
literally
his fucking ancestors saw it rose
what kind of tyrant do you take me for that you think i wouldnt slather my talent across the faces of the masses

Edited 2015-01-29 03:57 (UTC)

Ah, is my true form so easily distinguishable from this vixen facade you know as Rose Lalonde?
Have you already learned the truth, that beyond this porcelain skin and fair hair lies the gnarled grapnels of a lurking horror?
And that any and all pics you may wish to receive as proof of the boon that are my tears would only lead into your spiraling descent into the unadulterated depths of pure insanity itself?

I don't do selfies Dave.
You know that.

Good.
It's a shame I wasn't present for such a spectacle.
How many cards were filled out once he finally came upon the post himself?
Did you go bankrupt handing out bingo prizes to all the good little boys and girls watching his every reply for a new space to fill?

lurking horror implies that you arent all gnarled grapnels all the time
its like a compilation of all the extras on the addams family set with the salty appendages of your average joe peg leg the pirate
that metaphor got away from me
point = you nasty
point also = selfie game weak
a disappointment to the family name that we dont share

yeah
i was kind of sad that you werent there
then i remembered that you chafe my ass something fierce and im miss independent now
also like uh
16 roughly
but i encompass a lot of the particular squares i have outlined

like fuck im spending my murder money on these clowns tho
they only just unfroze my account for being a stone cold badass
the only prize here is the smug self satisfaction of a job well done in the wake of a relatively innocent trolls suffering
and my gratitude
i guess
people eat that shit up

((If that's okay at least.))

I simply do not wish to outshine you at your own game, Strider.
I know how important your self image and the worship of others towards said image is to you.
If I were to post any selfies of myself anywhere at all, your masses of adoring fans would simply flock to me.
Fall at me feet, prone and ready to serve in the hopes I would grace them with my visage again.
I wouldn't even have to wax ironic to them.
It's the Strider-Lalonde curse.

Miss independent, hm?
You are a stalwart, freewheeling individual who is no longer in need of any sister's presence?
I'm hurt!
Completely heartbroken, I'd dare say.
Except you already pointed out that I have no heart, so I suppose that ruins the punchline of this joke already.

Impressive!
Perhaps you should consider a different job though.
Murder money doesn't sound as though it comes from any reputable employer.
Are you receiving decent benefits?
Is the pay rate versus your workload worth your continued loyalty?
But I suppose of the residents are so easily placated it wouldn't matter either way, but I do encourage you to find a better place of work.
At least look for something with a union.
Surely you could find something better with a resume containing the previous job title of "God".

thank god for these hypothetical situations that will literally never come to light because theyre so impractical that the laws of physics took a step back and said lol nope try again

yes
that is exactly what i am
i have existed there for exactly 9 months and 28 days because the cruel irony or arriving on april fools was too delectable to resist
im sure we can graft in another body part for the sake of a joke and say that your kidneys are personally offended by my foretold character development

yeah
hahaha
thats a good one
there are no other jobs
youre a tribute or youre haplessly petitioning out into the bizzaro dystopian future world
the benefit is that once i starve and suffer for two months i get a sick room in a fancy suite and all the food and entertainment that i could possibly not pay for
loyalty is rewarded with not being shot in the head and the union is some district that pretends it doesnt exist anymore

see id do that
but id have competition
they have thor and loki and a punch of other pricks with over inflated egos so ive been looking for a new niche

I know, right?
That must be like something of a nightmare for you!
One moment you are basking in the loving embrace of the limelight.
Subjects bowing at your feet, ready to partake of your sick beats and ironic speeches and gestures.
And lo and behold, what is this?
From the shadows exits a creature more terrifying than you have ever known!
More frightening than the horror stories woven by any number of novelists, more horrifying than the gods which lurked in the shadows of Derse, more shocking than even the most twisted and disturbing phantasm you've ever experienced before!
And you watch, your stomach churning in fear, as all of your poor little serfs turn from your light and give in to my darkness.

Ah, I should stop there.
I would not want to scare you after all!
What kind of sister would I be if I did that?

Well then!
You may consider my kidneys completely briefed on said character development and absolutely affronted by such news.
I think you deserve a gold star for such an accomplishment.

Okay, how about we talk about this seriously for a moment.
All ironic horseplay and passive aggressive bullshittery aside.
Do you require assistance?
You realize that, under any and all circumstances provided, I have your back correct?
This sounds like one of such circumstance.
Or is this one of those cases where it may turn ugly for the both of us and is probably better left alone?

Also how much would it take to introduce me to Thor or Loki?

tl;dr

no
serious talk gives me hives
i can feel my skin prickling and cooing softly with the allure of a good hard ass scratch

psshhh
ive been in the game so long its your sorry ass id be helping lalonde
i know all the cogs and gears of the murder machine like the back of my manly hand
so you can deposit all martyrdom inclinations to the left because you need to be this sane to ride

[And he is, of course, a pinnacle of sanity.]

both of them are my bffs
like
we are a really tight clique
we do everything together
breakfast
lunch
long walks on the beach
were kind of inseparable so itd be awkward if you tried to wedge your way in between us
like that 4th flavor in the dip wheel that everybody avoids
youre carrot dip

that2 a pretty iimpre22iive biingo board youve got there, 2triider, but youre forgettiing the part where he deciide2 two be a complete iin2ufferable douchebag and deafen everyone2 2pongeclot2 wiith hii2 annoyiing a2 fuck voiice. but a2 hii2 be2t friiend ii have two 2ay, iit2 pretty 2pot-on otherwii2e, ehehehehe.

Edited (i obviously havent since i forgot he doesnt use apostrophes ) 2015-01-28 23:57 (UTC)

far be it from me to critique someone who has been pressing their claws into the soft under belly that eclipses karkats existence
but i think that its better if we use examples that can fit within the parameters of at least a 6px font
for legibility and all that bullshit
of course id be shitting out braille for the ocularly impaired as well if i wanted to suit my niche market of people who live to spigot incredible rage from him like the rich syrupy life fuel that it is
which is to say thanks dude
your opinion is important to us here at strider incorporated
probably

Edited 2015-01-29 02:56 (UTC)

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needs more human castmates at thegames

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just. slow...claps... i can't at this majesty. literally couldn't resist your wiles

that was the plan, boner, etc

monotone darth vader noooo

this is the part where i use witty subject lines to seduce you into my game

then this must be when i swoon and yep there it is. ur charms are a-workin bro!

i knew it

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dave please all your relatives are so cute. if only i had a dirk account to pester u with...

lies, they're all trash and he's the trash king. also i would kill for a dirk just sayin'

looks @ my millions of accounts already unused... stares into the sun.. MAYBE...

stares longingly from several streets away

What is this beauty I am beholding?

the stench of desperation

I smell nothing here.

and they said axe wouldnt work online

Filthy rotten liars, I'd say. You been had friend.

in that case you won't smell anything when i aggressively suggest you look at my game

I may or may not have already been looking at it. I may or may not shoot you a PM with some q's.

YES it's great and i will happily answer q's

It looks really great! My q's were already answered and I have been so thoroughly seduced...

stares lovingly

PLEASE FORGIVE ME I HAVENT RPED SOLLUX IN LIKE THREE YEARS...

GLAD I WOKE HIM UP THEN?!!?