Eli stop angsting

[truestpatriot]

I don't have the right to use that username. And most of the icons you choose for me still have me in uniform.

Can we stop playing pretend before we even start? I don't have the energy for this. And being honest, neither do you.

[...]

...I thought so. But you can't say I didn't try.

Comments

[truestpatriot]

[Awkward... very manly half-hug and back-patting, here.]

The warning was appreciated.

[always_teddy]

Surprise-tackling you would have been pretty counter-productive, but you're welcome anyway.

[This hug does not seem to have a release valve. Teddy may have had an ulterior motive, namely that it's difficult to angst mid-hug and that it's difficult for even apex-human strength to break a determined Kree-cuddle. Sorry Eli, you may be stuck until he's done with you.]

Now that I've got your full attention, I need you to listen to me: wallowing in self-loathing isn't going to make anything better. You don't have to be Patriot anymore if you don't want to be -- it's not something you should be doing out of obligation anyway -- but the "I'm unworthy" thing needs to stop.

[truestpatriot]

[Eli will of course try to shrug away from the hug. It's a half-assed attempt, and it shows. But to Eli's defense Teddy gives the best damn hugs in the whole team, and he'd rather take this over Kate's yelling and Tommy's frustration any time.]

I had to go to my grandfather, Teddy. Look him in the eyes and tell him that, after he'd gone through, everything he had sacrificed for this country and his family... I'd still fucked up. Badly.

So forgive me if I aren't feeling exactly 'worthy' right now.

Ooops, quick html-fix!

[always_teddy]

[Darn tootin' Teddy gives the best hugs. But he appreciates that Eli's attempt is only half-assed, and settles in for the long haul of this conversation.]

And did your grandfather look at you like you were a fuck-up? Like you didn't deserve the love and affection he's given you over the years? 'Cause I'm willing to bet a month in pigtails that he didn't.

I'm not trying to tell you how you should feel, but people who've been in traumatic situations often look for reasons to blame themselves for what happened. Because if they can find a reason that it was their fault, then they can feel like they were in control and not helpless like they were.

Tommy was right, much as I know those words make your skin crawl -- Doom was never going to let the Scarlet Witch repower the mutants. Maybe, because you shot her, she'll still alive to fix the mutants. Maybe those of us who survived did because of what you did there. We don't know. What happened is what happened and no one's actually invented a "What-If" machine yet.

shhh I saw nothing

[truestpatriot]

[A very long pause.]

...Is 'saying the right thing' some kind of Kree power we didn't know about? Or did you get it on your own?

[Which is the closest Eli will get to 'you're right', ever. So deal with it Teddy.]

I just don't think I can do it. Living like this, making that kind of mistakes. It's not 'as if' anymore Teddy, it's just thinking 'what will I destroy next time', 'whose lives will I risk'... 'who will be the next one we lose'.

Phew, safe!

[always_teddy]

[Grins a bit.]

I think it's more nurture than nature. Between Mom's self-help books and Mrs. Kaplan's psychology books, I can arm-chair psychoanalyze with the best of 'em.

[Sobers and sighs.] Like I said, if you don't think you can, don't do it. I'm not going to pretend it's not dangerous, and I'm not going to pretend being a leader isn't hard work. You guys and Billy aren't the only reasons the words "Emperor Dorrek" make me run screaming in the opposite direction.

But if you're not going to put the costume on again, then you need to do something else. Nobody gets into this gig who doesn't want to see some change in the world; and if you're sitting there thinking about how you messed up, you're not fixing anything. You do that, eventually you're going to put the costume back on because even doing something badly is better than doing nothing at all.

*for now*

[truestpatriot]

So you're suggesting I just... pick another name? It doesn't work like that either Teddy. I can't just shrug away the patriot and pretend that being something else erases my mistakes.

[always_teddy]

I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying that if you're not going to be Patriot-with-a-capital-P, you'd better get involved in lower-case-P patriotism. You feel like you messed up with the mutants? Go and find out how to organize a rally for mutant rights. Get yourself a petition and berate people until they sign it. Do something to improve the world. It's not going to erase your mistakes -- time-travel doesn't even erase mistakes -- but you'll be doing something to make the situation better. Because let's face it, Eli, you couldn't bite your tongue and knuckle under people making bad decisions if your life depended on it.