Captain Jack Sparrow (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
missing1ship) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dear_mun2014-12-18 05:25 pm
missing1ship) wrote in dear_mun2014-12-18 05:25 pm
Entry tags:
A Christmas Story: Jack Sparrow Abridged
'Tis the holidays, and another great big happy birthday to good old wotshisname-
... Jesus yes that's right, do all you kiddies and spirits and aliens and massive metal men and angels... I assume the angels know about this story, for shame if you don't this is daddy's favorite we're talking about here- know about the story of Christmas?
Well, Ol' Captain Jack is here to enlighten you on the subject, sit down, gather round, don't touch my drink or I'll shoot your fingers off.
Christmas is the day we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the messiah, the coming of God, so on and so forth, bringing all the sinners out of hell or whatever it is saviors do.
Now he was born on this day. Or another day actually, but today was supposed to be the winter solstice, and the church got all uppity that people were celebrating that, so they plopped this great thing down on top of it to scare off all the pagans.
Anyway, Jesus was born today from a virgin who was bedded by God himself, which you would assume would not make her a virgin, but maybe God is just that poor in bed. She has a baby, everyone loses their heads, Herod goes and tells a bunch of murderous bastards to go out and kill a bunch of babies, because this new baby was supposed to be the new King. Of everyone. And he was... I assume worried about being assassinated by poor Jewish babies.
And the Romans! He was supposed to oust the Romans, because nobody likes the Romans, what with their bloody plumbing and aquaducts and reasonable medicine that actually works. Because they had taxes and made you fight in their army so to hell with them.
And then something about lions eating Christians until Jesus flips some tables thirty three years later in a temple.
... In Short, someone's birthday was today, drink up.
... Jesus yes that's right, do all you kiddies and spirits and aliens and massive metal men and angels... I assume the angels know about this story, for shame if you don't this is daddy's favorite we're talking about here- know about the story of Christmas?
Well, Ol' Captain Jack is here to enlighten you on the subject, sit down, gather round, don't touch my drink or I'll shoot your fingers off.
Christmas is the day we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the messiah, the coming of God, so on and so forth, bringing all the sinners out of hell or whatever it is saviors do.
Now he was born on this day. Or another day actually, but today was supposed to be the winter solstice, and the church got all uppity that people were celebrating that, so they plopped this great thing down on top of it to scare off all the pagans.
Anyway, Jesus was born today from a virgin who was bedded by God himself, which you would assume would not make her a virgin, but maybe God is just that poor in bed. She has a baby, everyone loses their heads, Herod goes and tells a bunch of murderous bastards to go out and kill a bunch of babies, because this new baby was supposed to be the new King. Of everyone. And he was... I assume worried about being assassinated by poor Jewish babies.
And the Romans! He was supposed to oust the Romans, because nobody likes the Romans, what with their bloody plumbing and aquaducts and reasonable medicine that actually works. Because they had taxes and made you fight in their army so to hell with them.
And then something about lions eating Christians until Jesus flips some tables thirty three years later in a temple.
... In Short, someone's birthday was today, drink up.