canon: welcome to night vale

[voiceofthevale]

Good evening, mundanes. Is it just me, or are some of you feeling a liiiiittle bit high-strung? I know, I know -- things happen, all this stress and worry and disappointment just keep building up, and it is just so frustrating, isn't it? Well, have I got a treat for you then, mundanes! Let's all take a moment to sit back and relax with some good old fashioned horoscopes.

Aries, how are you feeling this week? How do you feel about maybe going to the doctor's? Are you allergic to penicillin? I sure hope not! 

Taurus, is it just me, or is it hot in here? Like, really hot. Oh god. Now that doesn't look safe. Taurus, I think you might wan to be on the look out for fire extinguishers in the future, because you might need one -- or five, just to be safe.

For you, Gemini, I see blue skies up ahead! That's right, things will finally be looking up -- and up, and up, and up. That sky is so blue. Wow. I wish I was a Gemini, because really, that kind of natural beauty is just breathtaking. Geminis, I'd like to ask you to please post some photos of that on my wall immediately.

Cancer's future is full of cockroaches. The really ugly ones.

I wouldn't do any kind of travelling soon, Leo, because it looks like the stars are asking you to stay home. Maybe there's a family member you could reconnect with, or, just reconnect them! If you can find all their parts, that is.

Virgo, why not take a stroll down memory lane and visit some of your old childhood haunts? The river creek where you and your best friend caught frogs one hot summer day, the tree house in your neighbor's backyard, the clifftop where you and your best friend did that awful, terrible thing. I know what you did, Virgo. We all do.

Libra, Libra, Libra. What am I going to do with you? This is...wow, I'm not even sure I want to read this! Um. Libra. Yes. Libras. They're very...interesting, aren't they? Interesting. That's the word. Haha. I am so sorry.

Scorpios can look forward to some great financial gain in the near future! If you've ever had any plans to, oh, I don't know, make a risky fiscal investment, take out a few loans, rob a bank...Scorpios, now's the time to do it!

Sagittarius -- my mun would like to insist that this sign is the best sign, although I, as an impartial, committed radio host, frown on this kind of obvious personal bias. For shame, mun, for shame. No, I'm not even going to tell you what yours is. You can just wait and find out.

Congratulations, Aquarius! Someone you know just won a brand new car! 

And finally, for you, dear Pisces, everything looks...pretty good! Considering all those extra limbs of yours. And all those teeth. I would like to personally applaud you for your excellent level of self-esteem and outstanding confidence. You go, Pisces!

This concludes our weekly editorial. Remember, you are in as much control of your own destiny as the next person, and the person next to them, and the person next to them. But in how much control, you ask? Well, how much do you think?
 

Comments

[voiceofthevale]

"Everytime I'm on", I know. [Internalized lovestruck wailing.] I just wasn't sure, you know, broadcasting to a new audience and all. But I'm glad you did! Like, really glad.

Was that good? I could go on, but I didn't think anyone would be interested in this becoming Cecil's Personal Life Hour. Not that I don't enjoy making sure my listeners are well informed, but what good will knowing my blood type or hobbies do anyone? Unless you want to know them. Do you want to know them? I'm O positive! That means I'm an optimist. [Beaming.] What's yours?

That's just it, Carlos, I don't see what's so strange about Night Vale! We have been voted as having the most well-kept sacrificial burial ground and nature park this side of the Rockies, I guess...

[imperfectscientist]

That's right. I'm pretty committed to listening to you, you know. For scientific and personal reasons.

It was very good, Cecil. I think you were right to keep some personal things off the air. There are some things that are meant to be, well, personal. O positive, huh? I'm A positive. I guess that's an important thing to know, if we're going to need to give blood transfusions. But I wasn't aware that blood type had anything to do with your temperament.

Never mind. Don't worry about it Cecil. Night Vale's perfectly fine.

[voiceofthevale]

Scientific and personal reasons. Right. What with me being really into science too and all. And you being really into science, like, what's even a scientist without science? [Cecil Palmer, stop talking. You are flustered, stop talking right now.]

A positive! I should have known. Not that I was thinking about engaging in any intimate acts of bloodletting, of course, haha...nooooo way! Not at all. But now we know, and knowing is half the battle. Or, in this case, vital to avoid any nasty blood-related accidents in the future. (Our station doors can be just a little hostile towards B bloods, who knows why!)

[A happy little sigh.] It is, isn't? My lovely Night Vale. [And its very lovely residents.]

[imperfectscientist]

Yes, exactly. Your show is very scientifically interesting and informative, of course.

Blood type is probably a good thing to know in Night Vale, when there are lots of ways to start bleeding, besides the nasty paper cut or sliced with a scalpel reasons. That's interesting! Maybe they had a bad experience with someone who has B type blood?

Incidentally, now that you've made this broadcast, maybe the travel agency will do you a few favors. We might get more traffic in Night Vale as a result of this broadcast. Certainly better advertising than the travel agency is capable of. The curiosity factor alone will attract people. Or at least, people who are interested in that sort of thing.

[voiceofthevale]

Being informative is what I aim for! Informative, and entertaining at best.

If I could ask them, I would! But the bloodstone doors don't speak any language that I can understand or hear, so it's a bit of a moot point. But I'm sure it would be a great story if they could.

Oh, Carlos. That's so nice of you to say. [Swooning a little.] But I personally think Madeline LeFleur is doing a superb job at the Night Vale Tourism board, I mean, have you seem some of these slogans? The woman's a genius, let me tell you.

[imperfectscientist]

You don't have to worry about entertainment, believe me. You could make anything into a good story, I'm sure of it.

The people of Night Vale already do things with bloodstones that a geologist wouldn't dream of, so if you couldn't do it, I'm sure no one else could.

If you say so. I'm a scientist, not a member of the tourism board.

[voiceofthevale]

Do you really think so? Station management sometimes seems to think that I go on and on...but they know I'm nothing if but devoted to my job, and I know I do the best job that I can. [Puffs his chest out proudly. He's taking the advice from Career Day back in high school very seriously.] I didn't know geologists dream of bloodstones. But that's probably why I'm not a geologist!

[imperfectscientist]

Well, I'm sure it's just because you sometimes talk about things they aren't interested in. But that doesn't mean what you're saying isn't a good story. You're very good at what you do.

I didn't mean it exactly like that, but I'm certain geologists have dreams that feature rocks and stones. You've never had a dream about your microphone? When you think about something so much, you're bound to have a dream or two about it.

[voiceofthevale]

[Careful, Carlos, you're going to give Cecil a swelled head.] As a radio professional, Carlos, I'm only doing my job. But...that means a lot to me.

Oh, yes, many times! Especially on the first Saturday of the month, when every resident is required to have at least one semi-lucid dream involving at least one species of bear. Those led to some very interesting nights, let me tell you!

[imperfectscientist]

[He smiles.] Of course you are. You're a radio professional.

But...there aren't even any bears in Night Vale! ...Never mind. I hope you're at least able to have a good dream about a bear. You don't have to have a dream about being attacked, do you?