I miss the wake so much

[outofthedepths]

Look, um, I understand why you are doing this, I mean, you're lonely, right?

And, well, you liked it there. And I know you loved William Jesse. But I'm not him. I'm not!

William Jesse Grant was an amazing and awesome man. Grandma told me the stories, about how he rode all over the country, and was a newspaper editor and a mailman and the only sheriff without a gun in Oklahoma. He was a good man. A genuine, god fearing good man.

I'm not. I can never be like him. And wouldn't it be an awful and cruel thing, to inflict me on people who knew him?

I'm lonely too. But I'm damned. I'm pretty sure that loneliness is the worst of my worries.

Comments

[rumchocolatesouffle]

You sound awful critical of yourself. Why don't you think you're just as good at his William Jesse person?

[outofthedepths]

I'm sorry. You don't know me. I'm not, I mean, I'm an awful person.

[rumchocolatesouffle]

A lot of people view themselves in a far more critical way than they deserve. You mentioned being damned. What do you mean by that?

[outofthedepths]

I mean, like, um, fire and brimstone and eternal suffering... You know, damnation.

I'm not really supposed to talk about it. Father Murphy will get mad at me again.

[rumchocolatesouffle]

I don't really believe in that kind of thing. That's old Christian beliefs, isn't it?

Oh.. I don't want to get you in trouble. If it helps though, I know quite a few people who come from rough pasts that have made themselves into strong and noble people.

[outofthedepths]

You should believe in it. It's really important that you repent and be a good Christian. You really don't want to be damned, trust me.

[rumchocolatesouffle]

By most Christian standards, I'm already damned because I'm gay.

[outofthedepths]

I don't think that's what God cares about.

I mean, I was taught that God loves everyone, no exceptions. But then, I've been wrong before. I still don't know what I did to deserve this.

[rumchocolatesouffle]

If there are no exceptions then you can't be damned, can you? Would God let you be damned if he loved you?

[outofthedepths]

Yes.

There has to be people who are damned, to... to remind people to be good. There's a purpose. There has to be.

[rumchocolatesouffle]

That doesn't seem right, but then again there's a lot about Christianity I think doesn't sound right.

[outofthedepths]

There's alot of texts that don't get into circulation.

[rumchocolatesouffle]

Texts? I thought they only had the one.

[outofthedepths]

Um, no. I mean, there's the Bible, right? But, like, a bunch of texts never made it into the Bible, because someone didn't want to include them, or thought they were redundant, or didn't think they were valid, or didn't think it was good for everyone to read.

And then there are more written later that never got added in.

I do alot of translation work these nights, usually Greek and Latin, but sometimes Aramaic or Arabic. I know most of these never see the general population.

[rumchocolatesouffle]

That's confusing. So how do you know what is a text that's.. I don't know.. 'valid' maybe?.. for Christian texts?

[outofthedepths]

Well, I guess that's up for debate? I mean, The Gospel of Thomas didn't get included because it's heretical, but there's speculation that if they ever found a different translation of it, the heresy would turn out to only be a wording problem, not a content one.

[rumchocolatesouffle]

What difference does it make?

[outofthedepths]

If someone's teaching the wrong theology, then people might get damned by accident.

[rumchocolatesouffle]

[Kurt rolls his eyes.]

It seems an awful waste of time to spend all your time and energy worrying about being damned when it probably isn't real to begin with.

[outofthedepths]

But it is real!

I didn't believe in hell before, I mean, the concept of a punitive hell is inconsistent with that of a loving and forgiving god. But it's real, and I was wrong.

[rumchocolatesouffle]

And why do you think that?

[outofthedepths]

I can't tell you. I'm not supposed to.

[rumchocolatesouffle]

....

I'm not going to believe something that doesn't make any sense.

[outofthedepths]

It does make sense, I'm just... just not allowed to tell you.

[rumchocolatesouffle]

I think that's rather presumptuous to say I should believe something but then not tell me why.