dear_mun | On mun's reaction to seeing Catching Fire finally...

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canon: the hunger games

On mun's reaction to seeing Catching Fire finally...

He's better off without me. How many times do I have to say that? They're all better off without me.

[But Peeta? Peeta deserves better. Haymitch had been right all those years ago. She could live a hundred lifetimes and she'd never be deserving of a boy like him. Which is why this is for the best. He had been there once, trapped in a game with her. She remembers the fear, the worry that he might be harmed once more and she would be absolutely powerless to stop them. The fear that any of them would be harmed.

She has Prim to worry about. Even Effie. Isn't that enough? If he was there, if Gale was there, or even Finnick... She'd never be able to live with herself if something happened to them. Because she's already had to live through it once. Peeta nearly dying in not one but two arenas. Gale being whipped. And the lizard mutts... those horrible, horrible lizard mutts.]

I don't care what that film made you think. I don't care how much you think I need him. I don't deserve him. He deserves better. And he'll get that. So long as I stay away.

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I think you're being kind of harsh with yourself, saying everyone's better off without you.

[Korra's had those feelings before so she understands.]

You don't know the kinds of things I've done.

[It doesn't matter if the actions were done on purpose or not. It almost seems that just by existing, she's harmed people. Prim. Peeta. After volunteering, after being in that arena not once but twice, she still died. And Peeta? Oh, Peeta. Would he ever have been hijacked, tormented by the Capitol, if she hadn't been the Mockingjay?

They're all so very, very better off without her.]

Maybe not...but you don't know the things I've done either.

[She tilts her head a bit as she shrugs.]

Trust me when I say I've made decisions and done things that I regret with everything that I am. But those bad decisions...we have to learn from them.

No one would be better off without you. Things would probably be a lot more complicated without you.

[The words aren't unfamiliar. She's heard similar. From Peeta. From Aang. From other friends in the game she's trapped in. All those people who are more optimistic than she is. She still doesn't understand them. How they can accept what the odds have dealt them and move on. It's something she's still learning. Still trying to grasp.

Most days, she doubts that she'll ever understand.]

What did you do?

[Korra smiles warily and glances down, rubbing the back of her neck.]

I'm what they call the Avatar--not sure if you've ever heard of that while you've been around--and I..pretty much have the weight of the entire world on my shoulders sometimes. I'm suppose to be this neutral peace keeper, the one that keeps balance in the world and it's...frustrating. I feel like I can't be myself.

But when I am myself..I back bad decisions. Ones that get people in trouble or almost killed. A lot of people I care about have been hurt because I'm not strong enough or I'm too bullheaded to do what I need to do..I just want to be me sometimes but I feel like I'm not allowed to be.

[It's always a rare moment when she finds someone she can actually relate to. And so much in what the girl has to say rings true to Katniss. She never asked to be the Mockingjay. Never wanted to volunteer to be in the Hunger Games. But how could she let her sister go in the arena? How could she let them kill Peeta when there was something, anything she could do to get them both out of the arena?

And still, she managed to hurt both of them. Because of her decisions. Because of her actions and inactions.

She understands too well.]

Do you have any choice?

Not really, no. I can't just stop being the avatar, as much as I would like to sometimes.

[It's both a blessing and a curse, that's what Korra's decided. And at this point, she's started to stop fighting it.

Destiny and all that.

Or something.]

None of it ever seems to get easier, which makes it even worse. The decisions keep getting harder to make, the choices are more varied...I hate it sometimes. Because I never know who I'm going to end up hurting.

Well, at last she admits what we've all been thinking.

[Johanna Mason. When was the last time they talked? That meeting in Snow's mansion, when Coin had them meet to decide the fate of the 76th Hunger Games. Everything seemed to spin out of control after that. One thing after another after another, until she found herself still alive no matter how hard she tried to do the opposite.

But she's still the same. Still the woman that doesn't hesitate to speak her mind, even more so than Katniss. And it still annoys her just as much.

She rolls her eyes, looking a little sulky.]

Then why are you bothering to talk to me?

[Oh, it's so fun. So easy to wind Katniss up. Just a quick insult, and the girl is quite literally on fire. Johanna smirks to herself at her little joke.]

Because. Because we were room mates. And we were allies. Not that that was my choice - but then, who asks CRAZY Johanna Mason's opinion?

[They're all valid points. Allies and roommates and someone who had been willing to help push her in training so they could go along with the District 13 soldiers to the Capitol. Johanna had been left behind.

Probably for the best. Or would she be a part of the never-ceasing death toll that replays in Katniss' mind every night as well? She doesn't if she could handle that. Another person, dead because of her.

It's the very reason she doesn't want them there. Peeta or Gale or Haymitch or any of them. She needs some way to keep them safe.]

You didn't have to work with us in that arena.

Well, maybe I fancied a bit of a vacation.

[She snorts. Capitol torture and District 13 - what a great vacation.]

Or maybe I did it to shut Haymitch up. Or perhaps.... I like what you stand for, brainless. Doesn't mean I need to like you all the time.

I don't stand for anything.

[She says the words harshly, angrily. It's not the woman's fault, what happened. But it feels so, so easy to lash out. She's lashed out at herself so often, blamed herself for every single loss even when she wasn't the one pulling the trigger. It's almost... nice to lash out at someone else. When was the last time she actually did that?

But even as she doesn't, she internalizes every little problem. Knows the costs that being the Mockingjay came with. And blames herself every day for thinking - even for a moment - that she was something more than Coin's pawn, too.

Would Prim still be alive today had Katniss never become the Mockingjay?]

You do. You always will. It's the way it goes, brainless, and if you haven't cottoned onto that yet, then there isn't much hope for you.

[That, at least, seems simple to Johanna. She hates, hates, hates how she's been manipulated by the Capitol, transformed into this argumentative, sulky woman who refuses to allow herself to be nice. Well, Johanna was never NICE, never popular at school or anything, but she likes to think that she was better than this.]

Whether you like it or not, you're the damn Mockingjay. Get that in your head.

Was the Mockingjay.

[Past tense. This is all past tense. Before Prim's death. Before she chose to assassinate Coin. Because what good is a Mockingjay that doesn't support the new president? That is nothing more than a reckless danger to all those around her?

They don't want her now. Isn't that why she had been shipped off to District 12? Away from the Capitol. Away from any place where she could do anything to endanger the new, fragile government. Maybe it is for the best, then, that she's been trapped in another game for the past two years. She can't ruin things this way.

And she can't ever be called back to the Capitol to be their Mocking Jay again.]

No. You ARE the Mockingjay. The war might be over, but they're not gonna forget you. They're just caging you up till you're needed again.

[Johanna rolls her eyes.]

For what it's worth, I'm glad you killed her. Coin.

[She's the first person ever to clearly express that sort of opinion. That she's glad Coin's dead. But that's Johanna for you, isn't it? She has no one left. No one left that the Capitol - old or new - can threaten. It must be freeing, not to have that weight hanging over your head.

For a moment, there's a flicker of a smile in Katniss' eyes. But it fades quickly.]

It doesn't matter. They can't touch me when I'm trapped in another Game.

[It's tempting to agree with her. It's still at the back of his head, buzzing low like a tracker jacker, the impulse to tense at the sight of her braid and her grey eyes, but Peeta breathes and sets it aside. Apparently Dr. Aurelius is earning his Capitol paycheque.

There's a lot coming out of her mouth which doesn't make sense to him at all, so he picks just one statement he can parse.]

The districts are free because of you.

[Because this is better, isn't it? No more children dying for the Capitol. Or for District 13...]

Real or not real?

[Real or not real. Real or not real.

The words play over and over in her head. She remembers this game. It's been two years since she's ever had a reason to play it, but she remembers. Camped out with Boggs and the rest of his team outside of the Capitol. Being yelled at by Haymitch for punishing Peeta for things out of his control. For things that were her fault to begin with. Finnick suggesting he ask whenever confused about a memory. The game that developed.

The game that continued even when they returned to District 12, lives completely upended.

She never thought that she'd miss a game so damned much.

Quietly, reluctantly and not quite meeting his eyes, she answers:] Real.

[She looks different. He hasn't seen her since they dragged her off the stage. There's still a scar on the back of his hand in the shape of her teeth. He remembers thinking in the weeks afterward that a mutt would've bit clean through, fangs edged with invisible steel, so that was another point in the "Katniss Is Human" column.

She's different, and the immediacy of the realization makes him frown a little as he looks at her. Real or not real, he's tempted to ask again, but this... this he's sure of. Sometimes he thinks there isn't another person in the world who's spent more time studying Katniss than him.]

And you saved me, in the first Hunger Games. So... without you, I'd already be dead.

[All the scars are still there. But any new ones are buried inside of her. Death in Luceti erases any scars earned prior. The scar on her throat from Clove's knife is no longer there. Wounds obtained from battles she never asked to fight. But that's the nature of any game, isn't it? You do what you have to in order to survive.

In order to win it on your own terms. But it hadn't worked. It hadn't gotten her sent home, hadn't given her a chance to see Peeta again. She knew ever since the Quarter Quell that she'd sacrifice her own life for him. Because he was so good. Because if anyone deserved to live, it was Peeta. It took losing him to actually do so.

Real or not real. Is he real now? Or is this just another nightmare, seeing him again, listening him talk.]

We saved each other. [How could she possibly face his gaze, knowing everything that happened since that first Hunger Games.] And then I got you... Snow... [It's almost impossible to form the words.] He never would have tortured you if it wasn't for me.

[It's something else. The guarded way she carries herself, or how she won't look at him at all. Before, it was him who wouldn't look at her, who couldn't even speak directly to her during that last meeting with the surviving victors. Now their positions are inexplicably reversed.

There were times he wished he could just see into her head. So many things he couldn't make sense of, so many hours of watching her face pretend to smile, and how simple it would make everything, if he could just know why she hasn't killed him yet. But that was the hijacking. Her reminder of it makes Peeta's eyelashes flicker, his expression shutter for a second.

Didn't they tell him as much, while they were doing it? This is because of Katniss, all of this is her fault, until he felt it weaving through his skin, settling into his bones. People dying, District 12 burning. Because of her, her, her.]

We rebelled. [His voice is quiet, taut, but grows stronger as he goes on.] Not just you. Me too. Remember? I painted a picture, and you hung a dummy. [He looks at her, and there's just the ghost of a smile on his lips.] As if we planned it. What makes you think they would've been any easier on me than they were on Johanna?

[She remembers that. How can she forget? How can she forget any of those days? It doesn't matter how much she tries to forget. The terror she felt knowing she'd be selected Tribute again. The worry at the thought that Peeta might not make it out alive. Anger - furious, heated anger - at Haymitch when he told her that Peeta had been left behind, taken by the Capitol. How could she forget any of that?

The mention of Johanna, though, catches her off guard. She's barely given the other girl much thought since returning to District 12. Since ending up in that new Game. Johanna is a survivor. A glimpse of the woman Katniss might have become had Snow succeeded in taking away everyone she loved. Peeta's right. They weren't any easier on Johanna.

But. But there is one difference. Her grey eyes harden just a little, the shadow of self-loathing hidden within. For a split second, she catches Peeta's gaze. Takes in his own posture, the way his seems to shutter for a second. The last time she had seen him, trapped in the Game with her, he hadn't yet lived the Quarter Quell. And now?

Real or not real.

She shakes her head.] They didn't hijack Johanna.

[She's right that they didn't hijack Johanna. They didn't hijack anyone except Peeta, didn't force anyone except Peeta to learn the names of their Avox attendants before watching them be tortured to death. Only Peeta was dragged before the cameras in between these hellish episodes and forced to repeat words denouncing the rebels, instead of what he really wanted to do, which was scream. Only Peeta still sometimes wakes up from nightmares in which Katniss spreads her white-tipped wings and shouts you burn with us while fire rages behind her.

Or so he thinks. He's never asked anyone else about it.

After he was rescued, he was told by doctors and Delly and Haymitch that the old Peeta wouldn't have blamed Katniss for what happened, which seemed easy to allege when the old Peeta would never be around to refute it. It got better, when people stopped telling him about the old Peeta and started discussing other reasons instead.]

Johanna didn't make it look like Snow was executing a pregnant woman. [It's only now, after so much therapy, that Peeta can see his hijacking was meant to dismantle him as much as it was supposed to disarm Katniss. Just like the old man during their Tour, just like his family and everyone else who died when Twelve was firebombed. They can share the blame for that.]

They were never going to let me come back whole, Katniss.

[It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because she should have just died that day in the first arena. She should have swallowed the berries and let Peeta go home. Then no one would have seen her actions as those of rebellion. Just that of a lovesick girl willing to die for the boy she loves. Peeta would have been safe. Prim would have been safe. District 12 might still have been standing. Even if the uprising occurred, would it really have played out the same way?

Tears sting her eyes and they make her want to scowl. He had been the one person she could be weak around. The person that held her tight at night when the nightmares hit, comforted her when she awoke. She doesn't know how to express these words. That living without him - living without him after having a chance to really love him - has been as bad as any torture Snow could have devised.]

I know. [The words are weak, defeated. Exactly what Snow would have wanted to hear. But so much of her fire had burned away along with Prim. The rebellion had cost her too, too much. Peeta. Prim. Even Gale. Her home. Everything she had gone into the arena not once but twice to protect.

But it's not all gone. Having Prim back, no matter how brief a time they might have together in the Game, has given her something she hadn't had since losing Peeta. Someone to fight for, to protect. It's the spark she needed. Almost as much as she needs Peeta back.] I know. It's why I made them pay.

[Coin, Snow, all of them. She'd make this Gamemaker pay, too, for keeping her trapped in Luceti for over two years now. She would, at least, if Prim hadn't ever shown.]

[Why did she always say stuff like that? Even if they had such a short time together and even if he's not in Luceti right now, he still worried. Even if what she told him still lay in the back of his mind: of her choosing to kill people willingly, of murder, he didn't doubt she was a good person. So he has to say something.]

Don't say that. You don't deserve to be alone.

[She smiles a little crookedly upon seeing him. Henry. The boy she had given her childhood bow to once with the promise of archery lessons, not wanting him to ever wind up drafted and defenseless. He'd since left, just like so many of the others. It hurts a little to see him again. Even if she's certain that he's safer back home.

The words mean a lot, given their last encounter. Enough that she won't try to refute them. Even if she doesn't believe that.]

Thanks.

[Being safe in his own world is debatable. But, all he can do is look at Katniss and not think she really believes him.]

For what it's worth, I think you can change.

[He's always believed in her. She doesn't understand how or why, but he has. Except for that one time, after that announcement she made in August, he's always stood by her. And even then, they barely had any time after for him to learn to forgive her.

She misses him. She misses him a lot.]

You always thought that.

[He had thought highly of Katniss and to learn such a horrible thing about her, it hit him hard. But, he also knew the good in Katniss, the girl who taught him how to use a bow, who sang for him. Even if she did such a horrible thing, his own mother had done much worse.

And if he believed his own mother could change, Katniss wasn't the exception.]

I still do.

[It might be a moment of weakness but she doesn't care. It's not as if anyone could use it against her here. She's safe, he's safe. They're both as safe as they could possibly be given their lives.

She crosses the space between them and pulls the boy into a tight hug. It had been good, having him in her life.]

I've missed you, Henry.

[Even if he hadn't expected a hug it's not unwelcomed. When she embraces him he does the same, smiling. Like so many in Luceti he missed her and it was nice to finally actually see her again.]

Me too. It's probably not been that long for you, but it has for me.

[Clarity Katness, it wouldn't hurt you to be clear when talking about people. Of course he thinks you're talking about Gale, and why wouldn't you be. It doesn't matter though; she's doing it again. She's deciding things all by herself without saying anything to the other person. He guesses that's a bad habit of hers.]

That's not really your decision to make.

[How many times has she heard similar? That it's not her decision. That he's just as responsible for his own actions as she is for her own. That she had nothing to do with it. Nothing to do with the way Snow tortured him, hijacked him. That it hadn't been done to get to her, to unnerve her. The Mockingjay.

Yeah. Right.

All she's done to Peeta Mellark is ever hurt him. Unintentionally or not. How can he say it's not her decision to make? One of them has to be smart about this. Her gaze hardens for a second before she looks away. It hurts, looking at him. Knowing what she's missed.]

That doesn't change my mind. You're safer without me, Peeta.

[His jaw sets. Peeta can be just as stubborn as she can anymore.]

You helped bring me back, real or not real?

[Real or not real. She shuts her eyes tightly, torn on the answer. Bring him back? Bring him back from where? From the arenas, from the battlefield Snow created within his mind? The first, she had done selfishly. Because she couldn't imagine living with the guilt of killing Peeta. And then because she couldn't imagine living in a world without him. The latter? The latter hadn't been her at all. It had been Dr. Aurelius. Dr. Aurelius and his doctors and Dellie.

She can't take any credit. Not at all. No matter how much she wishes she could. How could she ever believe otherwise?]

It wasn't that simple.

Real or not real?

[He's heard enough about the past and managed to decipher the shiny memories from the normal ones to know. It isn't that he holds her above others anymore, but he knows what she did for him, he knows that she's the reason he was able to be here.]

[But she's also the reason he's standing here now, asking her this. Asking her to clarify memories that never needed to be messed with. It's a game she almost misses. A game that has actual meaning. How long has it been since they've played it? Since that night in the Capitol that it came to be?

It feels like forever.

She scowls at him before grudgingly looking away.]

Real.

[It's what she wants to hear. That she might have actually done some good for him at some point in her life.]

[...

....

That's it. Sometimes hugs are better than words. Except.]

It was all fake. With the jabberjays.... [In case you needed to hear that.]

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On mun's reaction to seeing Catching Fire finally...

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Oh god this hurts so much

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