submitted app to exsilium!

[imusntrunaway]

I don't care.

...

It doesn't matter where I go. Here, there. It's all the same. I'll be used by others and I'll hurt others. It doesn't matter if Asuka or Kaworu will be there. I'll hurt them, too. That's all... that's all I do.

Why do you bother asking? You don't care about me. It's already done. And I deserve this.

Comments

[the17th]

...You brood an awful lot, don't you?

[imusntrunaway]

[Oh. It's Kaworu.]

Maybe I do.

I'm allowed to think, aren't I?

[the17th]

Well, why wouldn't you be?

Maybe it would do you better to be more expressive. You always keep your sadness inwards.

[there's thinly veiled bitterness. A+ teenagers]

[imusntrunaway]

I don't want to burden others with my problems.

[the17th]

[Kaworu seems to perk up.]

Do you really care about not burdening me? Hurting me?

[imusntrunaway]

[He looks at Kaworu oddly.]

... it wouldn't be right if I wanted to. Even if you aren't a... [He lets that sentence trail off.]

[the17th]

[it's weird how it stings and coils in his chest, though he'd never desire to truly be a human. but he's finding himself stuck to the unpleasant particulars of being human, like vying for things like this, and hurting without it.

the flawed, false individuality that craves validation through oneness with another person and how precious that pain becomes.]

You're too passive to ever want to hurt someone.

Your sadness isn't a burden to me—your silence makes me suffer more than whatever's bothering you... But I'm not the sort of person you would confide in, am I?

[imusntrunaway]

[Shinji doesn't say anything for a minute. Then, slowly, he answers:]

People don't normally confide in the dead.

[the17th]

[Kaworu's more amused than wounded, so he laughs, genuinely tickled.]

Oh, things like death don't mean anything in a place like this.

Look, I can even touch you.

[I hope Shinji cherished his personal space, because Kaworu is skimming his palm against his cheek, his eyes alert and curious as he watches his face.]

And I'm warm and breathing, just like you.

[imusntrunaway]

[When Kaworu touches him Shinji flinches away, quickly averting his eyes and stepping back to widen the space between them. There's discomfort and surprise written over his face, and a tiny tinge of fear. He tenses.]

Please don't do that.

[the17th]

[Kaworu remembers the confrontation with the Shinji he knew (though he doesn't exactly understand this is not the same Shinji) at the shore, and how Shinji pleaded for Kaworu to release Shinji's shirt. he'd grasped it in selfish desperation. maybe this wasn't so different.

Kaworu lets his hand fall, grudgingly respecting Shinji's request, but he doesn't know how to reconcile his feelings; he's angry, and sad.]

It's not because you think I'm dead that you would never confide in me.

[imusntrunaway]

[Shinji doesn't look at Kaworu. He's not sure what he's feeling right now or what he should feel. When he answers, it's in a very small voice.]

No.

I'm afraid of you.

[the17th]

You aren't afraid of The First. Why are you afraid of me?

I even surrendered my life to you.

[imusntrunaway]

You don't understand. That's not-- it's not a choice normal people give. You can't just hand someone a life like that!

LMAO OOPS i did the first post at work and i thought it didn't send!! disregard my doublepost.

[the17th]

[Kaworu blinks. Shinji's right; Kaworu doesn't understand things like life and death, not as a person should.]

You didn't refuse me.

It was either my life or yours, as well as the lives of everyone you know.

it's all cool

[imusntrunaway]

It was a cruel thing to do.

You're cruel.

1/2

[the17th]

[a remarkably stupid blink, and his shoulders sag, unsure of how to process it. is he cruel? he hasn't any context for what makes a cruel person.]

[the17th]

...Then it's for the best that you destroyed me.

[imusntrunaway]

[No. Kaworu, no, that is not the right answer. You lose Who Wants to Win Shinji's Trust.]

... how can you say it so calmly like that? You shouldn't just-- shouldn't be so accepting--

I don't understand you at all!

[the17th]

[I KNOW, HE REALLY SUCKS AT THIS GAME...]

I don't understand you, either. I could say you're cruel as well, Shinji. But what does that matter?

I guess I stopped understanding myself, anyway... Being around you hurts me, but I starve for your company. I never knew something so mundane could be so stressful. It's no wonder humans are so miserable.

I resent this vessel.

[imusntrunaway]

... do you resent us, then?

[the17th]

Humans—?

I'm quite fond of them. They're so interesting. I feel like I'm always learning something new, but no one likes it. That is to say, they don't like me.

So maybe I do resent them a little bit for that reason. But that's nothing unusual.

[imusntrunaway]

[Shinji falls silent again. Then, plaintively:]

Is that how you feel about me as well? As... interesting?

[the17th]

...No, not just that. You're more than other people. You're the most important.

That's why I feel terrible inside.

[imusntrunaway]

I didn't think that... [a slight hesitance,] your kind could have feelings like that.