dear_mun | homeless! voice testin'

[ "more than the moment destiny gave him," huh?

she's got no idea who this kid with white hair is. she's got no idea if he's even remotely safe to get near. but in some situations, action's the optimal response, right? no unconcealed weapons, and he looks frail enough that she shouldn't have much to worry about. a brief sprint's all it takes to get within a more respectable distance - she stops on a dime, soaking some of her momentum into her calves before straightening up.

and then she throws a hand up into the air and yells. ]

Whassuuuup?

[ this is actually a thing that is happening ]

Edited 2013-01-01 22:50 (UTC)

[Kaworu raises his eyebrows and straightens, his surprise articulating itself as a little bit of a laugh that bubbles out of his throat without him really noticing.]

Oh, hello there.

[he can't decide why she's approached him, especially since she hasn't said anything relevant yet; but it's curiosity and amusement that welcomes her most of all, and he tilts his head, hands in his pockets.]

[ "oh, hello there?" ]

Ah, seriously? Is that the way they say "hi" these days?

[ man, she didn't come prepared for this! still, it's too late to worry about it now. without waiting for kaworu's response, she drops both hands to her hips, returning the other's mirth with a cheeky grin.

she looks the boy up and down, from head to toe, and without even a moment's pause she leans in a little closer- ]

Your hair's exquisite! I've never actually met someone with white hair before...

[ she's read plenty in the archives regarding albinism, of course. possible vision defects, lack of tyrosinase, pretty standard stuff. but even that usually just leads to a light blondeness. this guy... it's white. what gives?

not that she says a word of that, of course. she just backs up a bit and stretches out. ]

Edited 2013-01-01 23:29 (UTC)

[Kaworu has many qualities of an albino, but differs; there is the silvery white hair, and also his vision is sharp. he's more attuned than most humans in his senses.

Kaworu blinks, still smiling, and isn't sure how to take the compliment. he's never really received one before, and he doesn't know he should generally be grateful for them.]

I don't think I have, either. My appearance is unusual.

I don't know that I've met someone with yellow eyes before.

I guess we're both physically rarefied, huh!

[ she turns to the side - being sure, of course, to keep him in her vision. she doesn't comment on his odd reaction to compliments. after all, she's not really in much of a position to talk.

she lets her gaze lilt upward, fixating on the sky - kaworu never once slipping fully out of sight. ]

So, "destiny" itself is against you?

It is and it isn't.

I was destined for a very short life, to obtain something greater; all I truly had control over was the way I was going to die. I was personally validated in my death, and I was happy.

A part of me began to resent it, before I was killed. That I had such little time.

[ "all i had control over was the way i was going to die."

her mind spins, trying to process just what is being said. attractor field convergence? the two phenomena share similarities, of course, but - no, it's out of the question. after all, completely ignoring the unlikelihood of memory transference, it's a simple fact that the probability of any possible event happening approaches 100% over the summation of all worldlines. if this boy was aware of that and capable of shifting, it'd just be a matter of breaking through the divergence point.

no, this is just a single life on a single worldline. everett-wheeler has no place here. when she speaks, her earlier impishness is all but gone. ]

But it was still your time to spend.

[ she finally looks back down, facing kaworu directly. she's no stranger to eye contact. ]

Did you regret any of it?

...Maybe.

I wanted someone to love me.

I know something like that is inconsequential, but this vessel makes it difficult to accept or ignore. I understand it objectively, especially in death.

But I still think about him.

[he looks at her more intently.]

Have you ever been loved by someone?

I'm not entirely sure.

[ it's a noncommittal way to approach it. after all, she's sure that on some worldline, there is an amane suzuha in desperate love with someone else - and that they love her similarly in return. but this is not that worldline, and the collection of memories and synapses she calls "herself" aren't that one's either. ]

Edited 2013-01-02 00:55 (UTC)

Have you ever been in love yourself, then?

Me?

[ that one, she can say with slightly more certainty. she smiles, shaking her head, and she answers without hesitation. ]

No. There are much more important things for me to deal with. [ when she leans back, it's with a bit of a grin. ] Maybe once I've finished my mission? Of course, I can't say anything with certainty past then.

...Ah. I guess I had more important things to be doing, than to be loving someone. It's easy to lose sight of oneself when you're stricken in that way.

It's like a sickness. I don't know if I'd recommend it.

I never did like the idea of fate.
If the odds are against you, all the sweeter once you defy them.

Why would I defy it?

Perhaps it could be said I did, in a small way, for deviating. My heart betrayed my objective in a small way, but ultimately did not make a difference.

Isn't that what fate is all about? To defy it means it's no longer fate. Fate is an ultimate absolute, unwavering always and soundlessly present.

If someone succeeds in their mission to defy destiny, they've defied nothing, for all outcomes are predetermined.

Do you believe it's intangible?
Plenty do.
It's not. At least it's not in my world.

Fate is only a plan, set by the Maker as it's everything else at the beginning of time. By destroying the Plan and the Maker, freedom can be achieved.
Outside the regulations of Fate.

That's interesting. But perhaps in my world, it is intangible. We come from different realities, don't we?

If it applies to me as well, though... I wonder what would happen, if something like that were to be destroyed. I in part represent the order that should be; without something like destiny, would everything fall to chaos? Worse than chaos humans know?

One would think such a thing exists in the first place for the sake of making things easier, not more difficult.

Perhaps. Perhaps not.
Fate was still intangible to most who live in mine as well. You would know better of your realm than I do.

Would it be worth it?
To live or to die, to love or to suffer, by no other script than ours.

Many would think so. Others will contemplate if it is not a convenient excuse to imprison them in a narrow vision.
Easier for who- I wonder.

I suppose those are desires I'm not very familiar with.

Loving and suffering are all human conditions, as we see things. Individuality is also a unique quality of humans—one that, like love, inspires suffering and grievance, as well as violence unto each other. It's why humans live so violently, and why it was pertinent that they became one with our vision to eliminate their suffering in favor of oneness.

However, living in a human vessel like this, I've come to taste things like love, spite and greed. I've found I have my own feelings. I understand why humans want to protect it, even though it's so terrible.

So maybe I don't know how I feel about it, either way—which I want more. Defying destiny to protect my own individuality, or to become one with everything and to end all suffering. Actually... in the end, what I am outweighs desire to exist as a single person. The instinct is strong.

You said you don't like the idea of fate, so you must have the same pride in your individuality as a person?

Is it truly? Do you want to be to be that way?
Follow your instinct as if you were a mere puppet?
You sound unhappy. You want more. Your will should outweigh everything else about you.

In a world without predominated fate.

You can reason it that way, to keep it simple. It is more complicated than that. [Damn Kaori Yuki for being vague.]

[Kaworu's eyes narrow with frustrated uncertainty as he examines her words, particularly about his will. does he have individual will because he is the scion of Adam?

but he is not Adam. he is Tabris. the youngest. the most human, but too unlike humans.

he wonders, if for a moment, this is how Shinji feels.]

Don't all creatures follow their instincts? I don't think it's a matter of happy or unhappy. —And I'm not unhappy, exactly.

But I do want more. I don't think that specifically has to contradict my fate. After all, if I'm put into some terrible jam-jar, it was fate, wasn't it?

I'm not sure if that will make me happier, either. The curiosity as to how I'll fare is more alluring than anything, to be honest.

They do and it's part of fate. That programming that is natural was given by them since their beginning.
But some have will to override it. Those who have strong will can struggle to go against it.

[She tilts her head.]

It would be the will of your mundane. You would not be aware of it.
Mm. What do you hope for? How would you like to fare?

I suppose in a place where I don't have the same control, or the same instincts... I can't really say. Something simpler.

—Ah, I guess... I want someone to accept me, and to love me, like I love him. The person who killed me. Perhaps other desires will come as I continue to exist?

Love? [There is a deliberate pause, her stance softens]

Love is a pursuit as worthy as freedom.

It feels that way... but it also feels terrible. I feel lifted, and I feel wounded. I starve for validation, like a human does.

Someone like me really shouldn't feel something like love. It's a human emotion that inspires a lot of the terrible qualities humanity must be cleansed of.

Oh? You are foolish if you believe love inspires something terrible.
You even morose to think this is limited to human beings.

Love inspires to be strong in ways you were never before. Without love, you are lacking. Empty.
You should be glad you can be wounded by loving someone that way. Someday your love will grow to make it independent of validation.

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wow sorry for existential essays

it's ok <3

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