dear_mun | On Meme Fun Times at fivedimensionaldoor

*just smirks*

[Taking a deep breath, he reminds himself that he isn't allowed to kill people on dear mun and settles for glaring.]

Really, it's pathetic. You should stop already.

Stop so I can think of how Jace will kill you?

That won't happen.

It will... or Clary will do it for him.

What about yourself? Don't you think you're as good as them?

I'm not the one who's meant to kill you.

You're using that as an excuse for your own insecurities?

You're asking about my insecurities when you're trying to take over the world so your sister will like you?

You don't know me at all. Don't try.

I know more than you think. I just don't slaughter people because I have family issues.

There's no reason to be embarrassed. Unless you think you failed to look appealing in that picture?

It's not exactly how I normally look.

You look like an extra in an Adam Lambert video.

[ She's just grinning. ] Not that that's a bad thing! Maybe the scarf would be bad for the whole slaying business though.

[Alec actually got that pop culture reference and mentally headdesks.]

Don't tell Magnus that. It'll give him ideas.

The whole outfit is bad for the slaying business. [He still hasn't figured out why his gear couldn't have sleeves in the movie.] But Magnus likes scarves and keeps giving them to me.

Maybe he keeps giving your scarves for a reason.

[ Casual eyebrow wriggle. ] You can use them for stuff, right?

[ Hey. It's not his fault you look totally hot Alec.]

More than once? Should I consider myself spoiled?

[Alec will completely deny that he looked hot.]

Yes, more than once. I'd just prefer not to let anyone see me if I do it again.

[ Deny it all you want blue eyes. Totally hot. Admit it. Embrace it.]

That would be waste, you're aware of that right? Not that I'm against private showings.

[ And there's that playful glint in his eyes.]

It's a good look.

[Denial is an art form for Alec... until he decides on becoming an exhibitionist.]

It wouldn't be a waste. There's nothing wrong with how I normally dress.

It's a good look for you. I look ridiculous.

I suppose I can't complain about the total lack of sleeves you normally rock.

[ The warlock is just going to give you an eyeroll Alec.]

You don't look ridiculous. Trust me. Those pants make your ass look fantastic. And the scarf is nice..

You don't trust me do you?

My gear doesn't count!

[Not that it should even count as gear. It's amazing that he's survived long enough to get poisoned.]

My regular clothes aren't that bad.

[The comment about the scarf causes him to falter, guilt creeping into his thoughts as he considers what eventually happens between them.]

I... I trust you. I just don't like being the center of attention.

Doesn't it?

[ It did'nt exactly scream ARMOR or protective.]

Never said they were but change is good sometimes.

[ There's a little tilt of his head at that stumble of words but he's not going to pick at it.]

And yet, you kissed the man who is the center of attention twenty four seven. No wonder the dress sense rubbed off on you.

No, it doesn't.

[At least his gear doesn't have sparkles on it...]

You're okay with the ratty sweaters and everything being black?

[Realizing he's staring in disbelief, he blinks and shakes himself out of his shock only to let out an annoyed huff.]

I didn't kiss you to get attention. I kissed you because I wanted you to know how I really felt. I didn't even think of who might be watching.

Edited 2013-11-08 06:01 (UTC)

You sure now?

[ You really want to argue about who had worst gear? Surely Jace has to be up there.]

Black is classic Alec. [ Besides, ratty sweaters and everything being black is you which is the part he's not saying. He's okay with you being you.

There's that sparkle in the almost green eyes as he shakes his head.]

I know. I meant more the fact you were attracted to someone who is the center of attention.

When you dislike it so much.

[ He has no worries about Alec's motives about the kiss. Of course, almost taking that deal was another thing entirely but that was too hard to get into at the present time.]

Edited 2013-11-08 06:11 (UTC)

[Rolling his eyes, he can't help smiling when Magnus says he doesn't mind the sweaters.]

It really doesn't matter?

[He wants to believe that it's true but after years of everyone wanting him to be better it's still something that's difficult to get used to.

For a moment, he's completely distracted by Magnus' eyes, fascinated like he'd been when he'd woken up to find the High Warlock of Brooklyn watching over him in the infirmary.]

You being the center of attention had nothing to do with why I'm attracted to you. It's better that I'm in the shadows so we don't have to fight over the spotlight.

It does'nt. [ There's a few beats here and there as he tilts his head.] You could always keep the scarf though.

[ The upside of living as long as he had was that he'd seen more or less a huge number of people. And he'd been able to appreciate the differences. Even if preferred the nicer things in life.]

You know I wouldn't fight over it. [ He'd share it. Or he wanted to share it. The Warlock shifted a little.] I know, I just thought it was interesting choice. That's all.

I thought it did.

[No matter how hard he tried, he'd always felt like he somehow disappointed Magnus by not being flashier or more fashionable. Another reason why he'd been sure he'd eventually lose Magnus.]

It looks better on you.

[There's a cautious hope in his eyes as he gives Magnus a nervous smile.] We wouldn't have to fight. I wouldn't want to take it from you.

The same could be said about you choosing me. I'm not what most people would think you'd be attracted to.

Well. I guess that does'nt really matter now.

[ He said softly with a roll of his shoulders. It had taken him a while to get to the point where he'd wanted Alec to be the one he'd spent the rest of his time with. But part of that was taking Alec as he was, ratter sweaters and all. ]

It's a scarf. It looks good on everyone. [ He was being modest. The Warlock could rock a scarf but hey, it was Alec's scarf. There's a thousand words on his tongues at those next words. take it from you. Even if he'd considered taking his own immortality away from him. A hand raised to brush at his own hair as he skipped over any more talk of the other taking anything from him.]

Most people don't know me. [ Or knew about Will. ] I'm attracted to all types.

Well, not Jace.

I guess it doesn't.

[No matter how much Alec wants to pretend it doesn't hurt to say that, it feels like he's losing everything again. The hope fades even as Magnus teases him about the scarf, leaving dull resignation. It's what he deserves for being stupid and desperate. Why would Magnus take him back?]

No, we don't. [Maybe if he had known more about Magnus, if he'd trusted him more, maybe Alec wouldn't have gone to Camille. The comment about being attracted to 'all types' erodes more of the confidence he'd won while dating Magnus, making him think of the other blue eyed boys that the High Warlock had dated and whoever else there'd be after him.]

Jace will be relieved to know that.

[ He'd had other lovers. It was a hard fact to swallow, sure. When you were alive as long as he'd been, it came with a little more baggage and sexual history than perhaps the most average of relationships. The point was'nt that he'd had other people. The point was that he'd had Alec and he'd gone behind his back, even if he never took the deal. He'd considered it which was almost as bad. Part of him longs to reach out and brush back some of those dark hair, see that happiness in those bright blue eyes. Those various times in various places around the world they'd been the first thing he'd wanted to see in the morning.

But it was hard. There was too much...distance between them. No more trust.]

I'm sure he's utterly shattered by my lack of affection for him.

[ Magnus was just going to roll his shoulders a little. He did'nt like the other seeing him like this. Perhaps he should have never spoken up in the first place. It's not hard to see what that comment had done to Alec and some part of him pauses because of it.]

Black hair and blue eyes was always my favorite though.

[Yes, he'd considered it. There'd been a few moments of imagining what it would be like to be a normal couple, the two of them growing old together and being reunited in whatever afterlife that would follow. A life where he'd never worry that Magnus would pity Alec as his youth faded, wishing he wasn't tied to someone who was mortal. But the cost had been too great no matter how much Alec had wanted it.

And now he had nothing because of his jealousy and his desperate need to know about his boyfriend's past, afraid he wasn't important enough for Magnus to tell.

It shouldn't so much to think of having Magnus' favorite combination, but he knows that he'll eventually be forgotten. When he speaks, there's no anger in his words, just weariness.]

There'll always be another one. Maybe the next will be better than I was.

[ There's a silence at those words because he sounded so defeated. The warlock's hands slipped around the front of his body to stare over at him with a shake of his head.]

Are you always this stupid?

[ Because hey, it sort of needed to be said at this point. His bright eyes flashing over at him, even if they were more guarded then perhaps they normally would be around the boy.]

You're thinking ahead to the next one. The future. When you're too bloody daft to actually look in the mirror and see there won't be anyone else like you. You're unique it's not a matter of..

Better? Alec...What do you want me to say here? I had a threesome with a werewolf and a vampire three nights ago because hey, you weren't on my mind, and you're something that fades that quickly?

Don't be stupid. I don't want to see you but.. Don't be so stupid.

Edited 2013-11-10 09:48 (UTC)

You keep saying I am.

[Before, Alec would have teased, but now he's honestly confused. Despite his disastrous attempts at lying, he prefers being honest and straightforward, so the messages Magnus is sending him have him at a loss.]

You have forever, Magnus. How can I not look in the mirror and realize that eventually you'll forget me?

There's only been two people who ever thought I was good enough and I lost one of them. Why wouldn't I think there's someone better out there waiting to be with you?

[That brief spark of anger fades almost as quickly as it came.]

Stupidity is what caused me to lose you.

Because I was ready to give up forever for you.

And you were going to take that choice out of my hands. Not to mention the casual implication that I've forgotten...

[ He's never forgotten Will. Or any of the others who were important to him. He'd had them slipped though his fingers. It was'nt the same thing. ]

Because you shouldn't thinking about someone else being out there for me. You lost the right to think about me the moment you went behind my back Alec.

[ He's not letting himself get to angry here. For one think it could ruin his eyeliner.]

No. Your fear did. And your total lack of trust. Which, I thought was something I'd earned.

[ All of this he could have said when he'd made that final kiss. But he did'nt want the last memory of him being totally utterly angry. Somehow that impulse was'nt happening again.]

Edited 2013-11-10 10:12 (UTC)

You never told me you were considering it. You never told me. You dismissed me like I was a child whenever I tried to ask for help.

I thought about it but I didn't do it. I was tempted. You were never tempted to make me immortal? You never thought of having forever with me.

[Alec isn't sure he wants to know the answer to that. If Magnus hadn't even considered it, then what did that say about the two of them?]

Do you honestly think I could murder someone in cold blood? That's what she wanted in payment.

[The mention of trust causes something to crack inside him that he knows will probably never completely heal. He takes after the Herondales too much to ever fully recover from losing Magnus but if he can't get Magnus to understand then maybe Alec can say something that will allow him to make that loss easier to bear.]

You didn't trust me either. You wouldn't make me part of your life. You didn't tell me you were considering giving you up your immortality. You brushed me aside and ignored me until I had to go to that leech to find out anything about you. That's why I went down there. She would answer the questions you never would.

If I wasn't forgettable why did you always push me away?

Edited 2013-11-10 18:47 (UTC)

Because I was waiting for the right time. I had to be sure of...this. Of you. And giving your immortality up is'nt something bring up casually or in the throws of passionate love making.

Having forever with you wouldn't be the point Alec. Letting you watching everyone you know and love die and fade to dust is'nt a blessing or a gift. It's nothing I was sure you wanted. Not right now at least. Of course I considered it. I considered us...something worth considering.

[ He's not even sure what he's going to say. Or what he should be saying against those words being thrown at him.]

That's hardly the point. You thought about it. You betrayed me.

[ All right. Those next words were harsher.]

My past was hardly something that matter Alec. You worried about past lovers and future ones instead of focusing on the fact the one I was kissing was you.

I pushed you away because after a hundreds of years I have a little baggage of my own Alec. I think things that you don't need to know and shouldn't. And I did'nt tell you because was waiting for right bloody time to tell you.

GOD. You lightwoods are just...

[Maybe it should have been a comfort to know he had been important enough to Magnus that he'd considered immortality for them both but instead it just makes it all worse.]

You considered turning me immortal. You thought about it without discussing it with me. You did the same thing I did but you won't even think of forgiving me. If I betrayed you, then you did the same to me.

[For some reason, harsh works better for him. It helps ease the cold and pain that he doubts he'll ever be rid of. Maybe if he gets the words out and they're heard, he'll finally be able to feel like he's not dying.]

The lovers were just one thing, Magnus. When I asked Camille about you, I didn't ask about them. I asked where you were born, what things I could do to make you happy. I whored myself out to her to find out the things you didn't think I was important enough to know.

You kept throwing your lovers in my face whenever I asked about your past. Why wouldn't I have felt like I was trivial when they seemed so much better than me?

You could have told me to be patient. You could have said that and I would have tried to understand. Instead you made me feel like I was worthless and I would be forgotten as soon as the funeral was over.

That's damn well not the same and you know it Alec. You went behind my back to take something away from me. Turning me mortal without out my consent is'nt the same thing.

[ he does'nt want to do this anymore. He wanted to flirt and tease about that damn tie. He did'nt want to fight with the boy, it's why he kissed him before he'd left before.]

And I was nothing but patient with you. I did'nt want to pressure into doing anything you weren't ready for. Coming out. Actually being with me.

I thought I earned a little more trust than you going to an ex to betray it.

Just stop.

Edited 2013-11-11 13:06 (UTC)

That's not what I originally went to see her for! She said she could make me immortal. That is why I went. Then I got tangled up in all this and...

But you'd rather believe the worst in me than even consider that we both might have made mistakes.

Patient? [His voice cracks slightly at that. Magnus had compared him to the Lightwoods of old and there is some of them in him. Their temper at least.] You quit answering my calls because I wouldn't come out when you wanted. You hurt me with your other lovers in front of my friends and family.

I'm not going to stop because that's what destroyed everything. We wouldn't talk. We hid things from each other. You were shoving me away even before you found out about Camille. Why?

You think the distinct possibly of giving the life I've lived for much longer than you realized did'nt warrant me pulling away just a touch?

You think my current life of old chinese food and spending time with Chairman Moaw as my only companion is all it's cracked up to be.

Giving the life... I don't understand.

No, I don't think it is. I'm hoping that it's bad enough that you'd consider giving me another chance. If you can forgive me for being stupid and afraid.

I meant giving up the life I could lead. Had lived. Eight hundred years is more than one lifetime Alec.

Then we're back at the start of all this. You betrayed me. It's not something I can just forgive.

Are you ever going to believe that I couldn't be able to go through with it? There's times when I can barely stand killing on a hunt, do you think I could actually hurt someone I love?

[Alec had thought of what it'd be like to have a normal life with Magnus with them both growing old and facing whatever happens next together. Then he'd realized what he would have to do and the thought had horrified him.]

I don't expect you to just forgive but you could give me a chance at being forgiven.

You were going there to meet her Alec.You considered it. You went there to talk to her about me in the first place.

[ He's just going to cup the others neck, his thumb running down that pretty jawline.]

Giving you the chance is another chance to hurt me.

I thought... She was the only one who knew, Magnus. [It surprises him how young he sounds after years of being the 'adult' for the group. With anyone else, it'd be embarrassing but it never was with Magnus.] She knew you as Magnus not the High Warlock. She told me stories about you. Little things you always said didn't matter but they mattered to me. Aren't couples supposed to know those things?

[He couldn't help shivering at that touch, not caring if he looked desperate and hopeful as he met Magnus' gaze.]

Or it could give us a chance at happiness. I can't promise not to hurt you again. No one can promise that, but I promise to try not to. I can promise to try to be better. I love you and... [For a moment, he can't think of anything, sighing softly in frustration.] I don't know what else to say except please give me another chance.

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