( because why not. | mcu )

[bafflingly]

Shoot straight with me here, Fun Size. All of this — you did it in, what, minutes? And for what, huh? No, no, I get it. Trust me, you think you've got what it takes. You think to yourself, hey, I can do this. You're a positive gal. Got a good head on your shoulders. I like that. It's cute — all those schmucks back home, churning out motivational posters with try-hard cats? They adore that kinda thing.

But me? Seriously? What, Tin Man's not working out for you so you thought you'd try your hand at the real Wizard? Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. Really. Look at me. But honey, let's get one thing straight: I'm not anybody's puppet. You dig? There ain't no strings on me.

So, before you really give it all you got, maybe you oughta figure out who's really running this show. Because I can guarantee, in the end, chances are it isn't gonna be you.

We clear? [ ... ] You're a good kid. Keep it up. Stay in school.

Comments

[occasionally]

Big words from somebody that sounds like he just got out of sixth period biology.

[bafflingly]

[ Oh, good. Looks like Karma's smiling down on him today. If it isn't good ol' Little Red all grown up with her big girl heels on.

Good fucking morning to you, too, princess. ]

As opposed to, what, exactly? You know, believe it or not we can't all get where we are today by sleepin' with the founding father, baby. Hey, at least I took biology. Can you really say the same here?

[occasionally]

For as colorful as you are, green really doesn't suit you, Justin.

[ She's not entirely unfazed, but Pepper's always held herself together quite well. A tilt of her head comes with a small smile. ]

You're probably itching to sleep with anybody, though, since most of your charm comes in the form of a spray and leaves an orange tint.

[bafflingly]

It's my stylist. She's new — if you ask me, I don't really think she's cut out for the job.

[ There's a snort that comes with a sneer. He rocks up on the toes of his shoes, then touches back down with a point of his finger. ]

That's a good one. Yeah. Yeah. [ He says without any amusement. ] But see, Pep — you mind if I call you Pep? Course you don't. You see, Pep: the past few years or so, the only thing orange I've seen is, uh, it's a jumpsuit, Pep. Something you might recall. I know you've been a little busy, what with your honey booboo's affliction and all, but don't you worry about a thing, babe. Times are changing. Daddy's here to stay, huh?

[occasionally]

[ Every time Pep leaves his mouth, Pepper thinks she might be dying a little more inside. On the outside, however, it's merely a tic in her jaw. ]

I do recall, yes. Quite well, and fondly, actually, but I also find it hard to feel bad for someone that spent all of his precious time attempting – I'm going to say that again, now, just in case you didn't catch it the first time - attempting – to make copies of something just because he was told no when he asked the first time.

Like I said: sixth period biology. Manage to wind yourself in detention, Mr. Hammer? I'm sure nobody likes the hissy fits you throw when you don't get your way.

[bafflingly]

Is that concern I hear? Pep, you know, you really shouldn't have.

Believe me when I say whatever comes next? I have it completely under control. You and your little coin-operated boy? You've got nothin' to worry about.

Turns out a little vacation was just what I needed. Chicken soup for the soul, babe.

THIS IS MOSTLY A PLACEHOLDER.

[widowing]

[ oh, you can't be serious. ]

I think things are playing out a bit differently in your memories than they did in reality.

[ or is he just choosing to forget how vanko turned the drones on the audience of the stark expo mid-presentation? ]

NO NONE FOR YOU.

[bafflingly]

[ Oh, honey — all he does is remember. He's had plenty of time, thanks to you and your gal pal up there. ]

Ya think? Well, you know what they say about second chances. No point in wastin' 'em, right? I'm a man who likes to get to the point, sweetheart.

Saw you on the tv, by the way. Love the new look.

TOO BAD I ALREADY CLAIMED DIBS.

[widowing]

[ good thing you're apparently not as adept at breaking yourself out of prison as you are terrorists. ]

So what's the point?

breaking the redhead trend.

[divert]

[ wow. you know, steve's not sure what to say about half of this, but: ]

Cooperation is an alternative. Just because she's got a better hold, doesn't mean you can't work together.

WELL HELLO THERE, cap'n.

[bafflingly]

All hail the conquering hero, huh? [ Have a narrow glance, Cap. ] Thought you'd be taller.

[goddamnceo]

Stay in school?

[ :c you're tacky and she hates you ]

I would advise you to be a little more careful when you're speaking to the person who actually is in charge, despite your protests, but I don't think I'd mind seeing how she decides to get her revenge. [ a beat ] They tend to make things worse for us whenever we start to assume we have any kind of control over our situations. [ LET HER TELL YOU ABOUT THE PORTS IN HER BACK ]

[bafflingly]

[ Oh good, there's more. ]

Oh, so, you're advising me now. Okay, hey. That's — that's great, huh? You know, the last conversation we had, it didn't end so good. You wanna run that be me again with a little less authority? I didn't quite catch that.

[recalibration]

Tin man. [ have a mildly amused chuckle. ] Why didn't I think of that?

[ clint clearly is focused on the important part of that speech. ]

[bafflingly]

You like that? I'm full of 'em.

[ And it. Full of it. ]

[ferreum]

So— does this mean I finally get to fuck you in the ass?

[ What. ]

[bafflingly]

—I'm not following.

[ What. ]

[sonofcoul]

You know, sometimes when you think life has saddled you with someone intolerable, you can take a look around and realize it could be so much worse.

[bafflingly]

Wow, that's deep. That's great. So, what, are you like their Yoda?

[sonofcoul]

I'm a bit too attached to normal English syntax, sad to say. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be as good with a lightsabre.

[arach_nerd]

...I'm sorry, did you compare yourself with the Wizard of Oz?

Because that's actually a pretty apt comparison.I mean, the Wizard did turn out to be a fraud in the end.

[bafflingly]

You know, for a minute there I tried to take you seriously, but it's just — who are you supposed to be here, exactly? Halloween's a few days away there, sport.

[arach_nerd]

We'll, you've got one up on me. I've never tried to take you seriously.

And it's Spider-Man. Member of an alternate-universe version of the Avengers. I'm also a friend of Tony's.

[therealgenius]

Wait. They've got Tony, too?

[talk about horror]

That sounds like a total nightmare.