dear_mun | (no subject)

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canon: sherlock holmes

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I know what you're going to say because you've said it before. I've kept my mouth shut so far. Kept the flat tidy. Waited like you said I ought to by going out for rugby with the lads and trying not to worry.

But the truth of the matter is that I'm tired of waiting. We've done things your way and as much as you see me as a bloody groupie sometimes, I don't happen to need to be attached. Keep out of my love life. Keep out of experiments that might involve me. Just keep out of everything.

You're just like him sometimes. I don't need another him.

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Another who?

[For being a genius, sometimes he could be incredibly daft.]

[Really? ]

You!

Me?

[Yes, really. Hard to believe I know.]

No most certainly not. One of me is plenty enough, I don't think I could stand dealing with myself to be honest.

That's-- Sherlock no. That's not--

[All the nose pinching forever.]

She resets me. Makes me forget that you faked your death. I'm tired of it.

[A brow quirks just a little, curious.]

So you would rather remember?

[You are a stupid genius.]

Yes. God yes. Having to go through thinking you're gone over and over-- You're dead. And then you come back. How would you feel if I did that?

What am I saying?

You would find it fascinating.

[Rude, John.]

...

[Perhaps he would, but he'd hate it every single time he thought he'd lost John. That was the entire point of faking his death after all. To keep John safe. Actually losing him, he doesn't want to think about it.]

Is that what you think?

[Mm, of course. Sherlock doesn't feel, he's a machine.]

So I can assume she likes seeing you suffer then, making you go through it over and over. Like some cruel sort of ground hogs day.

[This just hurts his head.]

My blogger is a sadist. We both know that.

If you're going to keep going, I wish you'd just stay gone. None of this is a miracle.

Aren't they all?

[From his own experience and John's he can accurately deduce they are.]

I've no control over this, John. We are both at the mercy of people pulling figurative strings. I've left you once before, I'd not do it again unless I absolutely had to. [Unless it meant life or death for his friend.]

[Pardon him while he calls bullshit. ]

You don't get to decide for me what's best Sherlock!

I made a decision based on many factors, one being that you have shown time and time again that you have no direct desire to die. So I did what I did, John. That you don't agree with it does not stop the fact that if I'd done differently you would not be here.

[He has no doubt about it.]

I had the facts, I made the decision. It doesn't mean it was an easy one, or in your eyes, the right one.

[All of this just makes him look so tired. ]

This... All of that? That's why I can't do it again.

So you'd rather I let you die.

[Not a question. A statement.]

[An easy answer.]

Yes. Or let me get over you. Live your life somewhere else if you feel the need to save us. But I'd rather you just kept living.

Isn't the point of living, to be around those who are important to you, John?

[He's still working on this whole not being an awkward emotionally closed off person thing, he still kind of sucks at it, but he thought coming back would be the right thing. God knows it was hard for John, maybe he doesn't realize just how hard, but it wasn't easy for Sherlock either.]

I have no intention of dying, but I also have no intention of just living on the edge of things. [To live three years and more craving to be back with his friend, to have things be as they had been. He's tired of it, he just wants things to be normal again.]

I...have no intention of doing this again.

Alive. Dead. Alive... Can't you just stay? Can't you find a reason to just stay? Please, Sherlock? I've never asked you for anything. Except cleaning up the flat sometimes or picking up some milk. I just want this one thing. I don't want to live through it again.

You point the fault at me when I've only left you once. Any repeat of it is no fault of mine, that is your mundane, John. [He's not taking the fall for this one. Though he doesn't like the obvious distress it's bringing to his friend.]

I can't promise you anything, not when we have little control over what these people may do to us. [There's sadly nothing he can do. There is no way for him to get to the ones puppeteering their strings. This isn't something like Moriarty where there was a physical being he could stop. There was no puzzle to solve to put an end to this.

[He'd not meant to take it out of you. He's just tired. ]

I hadn't-- I apologize. It isn't your fault. I simply want for us...

To do what we normally do. I miss losing sleep because of cases. Not nightmares or sadness or--

Or?

[He's curious what he meant to say.]

Then we want the same. The two of us, together again and solving cases. At Bakerstreet.

[Like nothing had even changed.]

[It's about 100% best that he doesn't finish that thought actually.]

So lets do it. No strangeness other than what happens to us. You never jump-- it could happen. They put their minds to it all the time. Why can't we?

I've heard denial can be a dangerous thing, John. We can't just pretend I didn't do what I did, but we can continue on.

[But. But finishing that thought would be good.]

Or if you mean here, well, it seems we can do whatever we want here.

I know, I know you did it for a reason. And I've hit you about a good dozen times because of it.

[At least he's smiling now.]

How can we do whatever we want here? It's a bit cruel isn't it? Knowing we're just puppets--

Listen to me. Every time you go, I get forced to think too much.

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