casually shits in the sandbox

[murdermongrel]

[BOOM. The star of NBC's Hannibal, ladies and gentlemen, make no mistake about it. Hannibal? Please. Small fries (of the potato variety). Will? Dumbshit. Abigail? Guess again!

Except Beverly. She can co-star. Bev is cool.]

You know, the whole show would be over super quick if they'd let us talk. What do you mean, dogs can't talk? We sure can! We can talk and go to heaven, cats can dance, and bears shit in the woods. It's true, I've seen them.

I mean, come on, it would all be over so quick! Just sit me and my fellas down and be all, "Now, Winston, did you see Will make those fishing lures all morbid and gross? Be honest." And we're all, "Hell no! That was all Hannibal! Will's amazing, you should let him out right now." And then they're all, "Holy shit, a talking dog! Talking dogs!"

...okay now I guess I can see why that would probably be a bad move.

But hey! Here you can do whatever you want with me, right? You can make me human! People believe humans. And then I'd have thumbs. You know what I could do with thumbs? Anything I wanted to. I could flush the toilet without falling in, I could get the food out of the bag without making a mess, I could even bathe myself! I could bathe Will! He's bathed me, like, a bazillion times.

I want thumbs. I mean, I want to have thumbs. I already had thumbs because of Hannibal! It's almost like his name gives away who the bad guy is!

I should be in the FBI, too. After I get thumbs.

Comments

[thelasthuman]

[Here's a dog. A magical stretchy dog.] What you can't do that already? Dude, you're missing out. Watch this!

[Jake's hand morphs and squishes and look.] thumbs man. Awesome.

I dunno about the bathing humans thing though. Finn's pretty good at that himself. They get kinda weird about it even as puppies.

[murdermongrel]

[Holy shit. That's amazing. Winston is amazed. It's all over his doggie face.]

You've got skills, buddy! [Cool skills, even.] But Will bathes me all the time! I just want to return the favor. A bath for a bath makes the whole world super clean, I think that's what his book said.

[Not quite, but good try.]

[thelasthuman]

I dunno man, human beings are pretty weird. I think it's because they don't have a lot of fur. I mean they've got it on their heads but all that extra skin is really sensitive. If you think your brother'd go for it though that's nanners man. I wish you the best.

[At the compliment though, Jake grins] The hand's nothing man. Give me a shape. Any shape and I'll do it. except triangles. Those are hard.

LOL I<3U

[fine_young]

But they want the show to continue, don't they? So that's not going to happen.

And if you know what the good Doctor is feeding you, why do you still eat it?

who doesn't love dogs

[murdermongrel]

I don't eat it anymore!

And I don't think you know what "good" means because cannibals aren't good. They're the opposite of good, and that's super bad because you want to be a good boy because no one likes their nose being rubbed in their own piss!

Or maybe they do, but then they should talk to someone with a doctor degree about it. Or maybe not tell anyone at all because that's weird.

[fine_young]

*He smiles and pets the dog. And yes, he smells like a pup version of Hannibal.* How can I refer to an elder self as anything but good?

[violint]

[ What in the flying fuck. ]

I don't think dogs should talk, and this is a good reason why.

[murdermongrel]

[You MONSTER!!!

You didn't kill Hannibal. You suck.]

I don't think cats should be allowed in the house, but I don't go around condescending to every one I see. That's rude!

[violint]

[ AT LEAST HE TRIED... ]

Maybe you should. If you talk, you might as well.

[designates]

[ so now apparently in addition to feeding Will people, Hannibal is now cooking with PCP. cool. cool cool cool. ]

I hope Alana is taking good care of you.

[ what the fuck else is he supposed to say oh I imagined you having a deeper voice or must be awesome being able to lick your own genitals ]

[murdermongrel]

[FUCK YEAH WILL - things people never say around Will because his dogs can't talk

But fuck yeah, Will! Winston's tail goes absolutely apeshit wagging, making it impossible for him to stay standing still. This is his design, making dogs so fucking happy they can't contain themselves.]

Alana is great! But she doesn't bathe me like you do, Will. You know all the tricks. I think the little one has fleas! You never let us get fleas. When are you coming back?

[designates]

I don't know. Soon, I hope.

[ chatting with his talking dog should be a lot more surreal and a lot less pathetically sad than this interaction is turning out to be, but this is a man who attracted hoards of fangirls on the Internet due to his unrelenting manpain alone. tumblr pretty much masturbated to pictures of him crying.

no, seriously; check the Hannibal tag. hashtagSomebodyPleaseHelpWillGrahm hashtagManpain hashtagWhiteMaleTears ]

I'm sorry I can't be there to help. Are you looking out for your siblings? [ reaching down to pet Winston. awww isn't this the picture of normality and family values right here? LSD r00lz

i cannot fuckin believe this

[famished]

[Did someone slip him a roofie. ]

... Ah.

ripley's believe it or not: dog edition

[murdermongrel]

[Aw dude, no. Look at this face. These big sad puppy eyes—

...oh. That must be the appeal. Well they're not so big and sad anymore, so suck a dick! Dismembered and rotting, even! You asshole!]

You should come by Alana's sometime, Doctor. All of us would really like to see you again.

Really.

im so done

[famished]

Would you like some sausage?

[spoiler it's abigail sausage pal. ]

peer pressure wins again

[shrikes]

[ okay everything else aside... ]

Where'd you learn the word "bazillion"?

your pressure is the bad kind. the one that turns into vanilla ice instead of queen.

[murdermongrel]

I learned it from the TV! Will leaves it on sometimes. It's really neat to hear what humans talk about.

And they're kind of silly. We do know it's not bacon, that's why we keep begging for more.

i see you trying to lure me into reciting borhap but it won't work i'm just a poor boy

[shrikes]

[ will graham: clearly not an avid fan of tedtalks ]

Humans are pretty silly, yeah. Will rescued you, didn't he?

[enabeled]

[ Well, everyone else has covered the confusion, so what more is there to say, really? ]

If they gave you lines they'd have to give all the dogs lines. So. Ultimately we're all much better off leaving that part for the people that need to be heard, before a pack of animals keeps them all from getting a word in edgewise.

Though I imagine that cats would talk less.

[murdermongrel]

[say what you need to say, abel. let it all out. he wants to see your animal insides.

nothing funny, winston just likes animals.]

You imagine wrong, buddy. Cats never shut up. Have you never had one? All they do is meow. That's it. Meow and scratch and spray all over the house.

And they bring you dead birds like you're supposed to congratulate them. That's why Will likes us. We don't remind him of murder every five seconds.

[enabeled]

I think you might be somewhat biased in your point of view. If Will Graham thinks that dogs never hunt to kill, the stress really must be going to his head.

He's in the wrong profession if he doesn't want to think about murder. Somehow he just keeps finding a gun in his hands.

[slightlyoffchilt]

[Stares. STARES.]

I should not have taken those Vicodin with that cognac.

[murdermongrel]

[Welcome to Will's world, Chilton. Are you mad that you'll never know him as well as his dogs do?]

Isn't that for pain? Why are you in pain? You don't look pained. You look pretty normal.

[Except.]

Fuzzy, but I appreciate fuzzy.

[shiitakes]

[ a co-star you say? ]

I'm gonna pass on the 'giving Will baths' one. For Will. Just in case he doesn't catch that.

[murdermongrel]

[beverly: the only person in hannibal who matters]

But Will bathes me all the time. I think you don't understand how good Will is at bathing us. I just want to return the favor.

I can't ever be as good a bather as Will, though. He's perfect. I haven't had fleas with him ever!