["Won't" makes Soubi's mental restrictions sound so willful. The truth is, it would hurt too much to accept your praise, and then have to relinquish it. Sometimes, what you say is too precious for him.
Even without being his sacrifice, you can still make Soubi feel like dying in your arms. His heart wants to be as quiet as it is content when you talk to him. And you'd be the last thing he saw, or felt. Like falling asleep on satin. It's something he doesn't dare let himself linger on, and doesn't really want. But not being yours pushes his thoughts into the inexorable awareness that this is all ending, and a part of him wishes so much that it wouldn't. It hurts to wonder if he'll ever be allowed to hug you again.
He's disciplined enough not to cling to you for his own sake, or mourn the fact that BELOVED hates to touch him. He's strong enough to accept, and obey, and everything ... will soon be as it should be, again. But even so, your words threaten to bring him to his knees. He wants to be everything you think he is. Yet - when you look at this fighter, you're seeing the best in yourself.]
Ritsuka, [he says, his own voice feather-soft,] if I was all a fighter should be, it was my honor to give to you and increase your strength. You gave me ... more than you should, and more than you know.
[Soubi was the very embodiment of strong and invincible, once, and as a fighter, he felt it. You should have met him before Seimei left him behind.]
[No one holds him like Soubi and Seimei holds him. His mother was too sick to hold him for long before she started attacking. His father just... never touched Ritsuka. Natsuo and Youji were his friends, but they had each other. Only Seimei and Soubi held him like he was something they loved with whole hearts. Not only did they love him, but they would protect him and could make him feel safe in the circumference of their arms. Their arms were strong and didn't judge. He was Ritsuka to them and that was the end.
So it was sickeningly cruel to know that when Soubi stopped hugging him, when this was all over, Soubi wouldn't consider him more than just "the Loveless sacrifice." Soubi would... possibly... no... WOULD see him as Seimei's brother. But Soubi himself would not risk such a hug again when this was all over. No one but Seimei would hold him again and Seimei wasn't even here. Seimei had taken Soubi and left.
What was Ritsuka supposed to do now? No Soubi, no Seimei, no fighter.
He was never going to get this again. Such a realization sat like a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. He felt ill all over again and closed his eyes tight and bowed his head. He didn't want to cry again. He didn't want Soubi to see the tears as they steadily fell.]
But it wasn't enough.
[Ritsuka wasn't enough. He was a fraud of the old Ritsuka to his mother and now, he simply wasn't enough of a Sacrifice to Soubi. The bond they had, the earrings, the link, everything.... it simply wasn't enough compared to his brother. Who was he enough for?]
[Soubi intends to treat you with as much familiarity as he's allowed. Whether that amounts to anything depends on your brother. He doesn't believe for one second that Seimei has truly left you defenceless, but he knows better than to take that thought to its logical conclusion. It's not his place to wonder who's watching out for you now, or perform a system expansion on your behalf. He's not in any mood to accept what he might find ... and he doesn't have a choice about that.
You're crying freely enough that he can feel it through his shirt. Soubi hugs you tighter, brushing the side of his cheek gently against the fur of your ears. It's an intimate gesture, well disguised as a casual touch. He's always used his body to give you reassurance and make you feel nice - to the extent that you'd tolerate it. He's always made it clear that there was no such thing as too close, for him. Exuding attraction at you, whenever you don't push him back, is deeply ingrained behavior. And maybe it'll help you stop feeling unwanted. Because that's not the problem at all.]
It can't be helped, [he soothes, trying to make you feel better. It's not that you did something, or neglected to. This was entirely up to Seimei. There's nothing in the world you could have done, to make him stop belonging to your brother. A blank can only be named once.
He'd kill for the right to ask you to come see him once in a while, and let him run his hands over you like this. And hug you. To suggest that you ask your brother if it would be okay if ... but it wouldn't be okay, and he knows it. So he keeps quiet.]
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dear_mun2012-02-21 01:17 am
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Even without being his sacrifice, you can still make Soubi feel like dying in your arms. His heart wants to be as quiet as it is content when you talk to him. And you'd be the last thing he saw, or felt. Like falling asleep on satin. It's something he doesn't dare let himself linger on, and doesn't really want. But not being yours pushes his thoughts into the inexorable awareness that this is all ending, and a part of him wishes so much that it wouldn't. It hurts to wonder if he'll ever be allowed to hug you again.
He's disciplined enough not to cling to you for his own sake, or mourn the fact that BELOVED hates to touch him. He's strong enough to accept, and obey, and everything ... will soon be as it should be, again. But even so, your words threaten to bring him to his knees. He wants to be everything you think he is. Yet - when you look at this fighter, you're seeing the best in yourself.]
Ritsuka, [he says, his own voice feather-soft,] if I was all a fighter should be, it was my honor to give to you and increase your strength. You gave me ... more than you should, and more than you know.
[Soubi was the very embodiment of strong and invincible, once, and as a fighter, he felt it. You should have met him before Seimei left him behind.]
Sorry for taking so long
So it was sickeningly cruel to know that when Soubi stopped hugging him, when this was all over, Soubi wouldn't consider him more than just "the Loveless sacrifice." Soubi would... possibly... no... WOULD see him as Seimei's brother. But Soubi himself would not risk such a hug again when this was all over. No one but Seimei would hold him again and Seimei wasn't even here. Seimei had taken Soubi and left.
What was Ritsuka supposed to do now? No Soubi, no Seimei, no fighter.
He was never going to get this again. Such a realization sat like a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. He felt ill all over again and closed his eyes tight and bowed his head. He didn't want to cry again. He didn't want Soubi to see the tears as they steadily fell.]
But it wasn't enough.
[Ritsuka wasn't enough. He was a fraud of the old Ritsuka to his mother and now, he simply wasn't enough of a Sacrifice to Soubi. The bond they had, the earrings, the link, everything.... it simply wasn't enough compared to his brother. Who was he enough for?]
NP. Yay, tag!
You're crying freely enough that he can feel it through his shirt. Soubi hugs you tighter, brushing the side of his cheek gently against the fur of your ears. It's an intimate gesture, well disguised as a casual touch. He's always used his body to give you reassurance and make you feel nice - to the extent that you'd tolerate it. He's always made it clear that there was no such thing as too close, for him. Exuding attraction at you, whenever you don't push him back, is deeply ingrained behavior. And maybe it'll help you stop feeling unwanted. Because that's not the problem at all.]
It can't be helped, [he soothes, trying to make you feel better. It's not that you did something, or neglected to. This was entirely up to Seimei. There's nothing in the world you could have done, to make him stop belonging to your brother. A blank can only be named once.
He'd kill for the right to ask you to come see him once in a while, and let him run his hands over you like this. And hug you. To suggest that you ask your brother if it would be okay if ... but it wouldn't be okay, and he knows it. So he keeps quiet.]