[Almost imperceptibly, Soubi droops. Defeated-- tired-- no.] You're not my sacrifice, Ritsuka. [He's not, Soubi reminds himself. He's not and he can't be treated as one.] Please don't make me move you. [Pauses.] You're Seimei's precious brother; I really don't want to-- [What? Touch you? No. Hurt you? He already has, too badly for that to be anything but a sour joke.] ..interfere with you.
[And that's not even a lie. Somewhere above and behind his emotions that he must disregard, some part of Soubi still feels better treating Ritsuka as a master, Ritsuka who is far above him in the hierarchy of sacrifices and fighters, who was such a good owner. Partner or no, he's someone who deserves Soubi's deference. Ritsuka is a person, a very dear and valuable person of Seimei's, and Soubi is just Seimei's weapon. Soubi wonders if that's the right thing to think, or if he's just trying to justify his emotional hesitation. What would Seimei want? What would qualify as crossing the forbidden line and belonging to Ritsuka? Soubi doesn't know how he's supposed to treat Ritsuka and it scares him, as he is always scared when he doesn't know how to be a good boy, when he doesn't understand his orders well enough. The prospect of failure feels like being profoundly lost. And that's even when the stakes are lower. When Seimei might be deeply displeased, it's a question of whether Soubi's very existence is a blight on the universe. Talking to Ritsuka, right now when the way to treat him is so uncertain and yet so important, frightens Soubi silly. And having to navigate that, while already in deep pain from seeing the hurt in Ritsuka's face, and deconditioning himself not to listen to that sacrifice's voice, and incidentally pretending not to even care, is like juggling shuriken with burned hands. Soubi puffs out a long, annoyed breath, easy enough to pass off as any sort of incidental exhaustion.]
no subject
[And that's not even a lie. Somewhere above and behind his emotions that he must disregard, some part of Soubi still feels better treating Ritsuka as a master, Ritsuka who is far above him in the hierarchy of sacrifices and fighters, who was such a good owner. Partner or no, he's someone who deserves Soubi's deference. Ritsuka is a person, a very dear and valuable person of Seimei's, and Soubi is just Seimei's weapon. Soubi wonders if that's the right thing to think, or if he's just trying to justify his emotional hesitation. What would Seimei want? What would qualify as crossing the forbidden line and belonging to Ritsuka? Soubi doesn't know how he's supposed to treat Ritsuka and it scares him, as he is always scared when he doesn't know how to be a good boy, when he doesn't understand his orders well enough. The prospect of failure feels like being profoundly lost. And that's even when the stakes are lower. When Seimei might be deeply displeased, it's a question of whether Soubi's very existence is a blight on the universe. Talking to Ritsuka, right now when the way to treat him is so uncertain and yet so important, frightens Soubi silly. And having to navigate that, while already in deep pain from seeing the hurt in Ritsuka's face, and deconditioning himself not to listen to that sacrifice's voice, and incidentally pretending not to even care, is like juggling shuriken with burned hands. Soubi puffs out a long, annoyed breath, easy enough to pass off as any sort of incidental exhaustion.]